Why the long faces, No Joke corner perhaps

[Plouasne]

Just about every forum I have been a member of has had a joke section, I cannot see one in this section, so can I kick a joke section off please

Farmer Seamus

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F**k would you have said?
************************************************************

For the ladies who complain about French hairdressers

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who Knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.......
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the Hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"


"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's
a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at
No extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and
Explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would
personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to
me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fu***d up your hair?"
*****************************************************************

Pierre, brave French fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: “Pierre, kiss me!” Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.

“What are you doing, Pierre?”, says the startled Marie.

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

“Pierre! What are you doing?’, asks the bewildered Marie.

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!”

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!”

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,

“PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!”

 

[GreenArmy]

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.
The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."
With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Q. Why do Doctors like to operate on the French?
A. Because they have no guts and their heads and asses are interchangeable.

 

[Jason.S]

Keep em coming lads

 

[Plouasne]

Farting problem

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says,

"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing

Lost??

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[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhRcnLb4Afg&NR=1]YouTube - BMW funny[/ame]

tattoo remover (lower back tattoo removal - funny snl skit) - video

tattoo remover (lower back tattoo removal - funny snl skit) - video

Whats in a name ??

A Red Indian asks his father how he names the children,, son its like this, every time your mother has a baby, I lift up the flap of the Tepee, and the first thing I see, I name the baby after it, that's how your sister is called, Morning Star, your first brother is called Two Eagles Fighting, your other brother, Buffalo Running, have you any more questions, Two Dogs Shagging ??

 

[Puddle]

Just to be topical,we are on a plumbing site ,

There was a young plumber called lee
who was doing some plumbing on a girl by the sea
she said stop your plumbing,there's someone coming
I know said the plumber,it's me

boom !boom!

Its the way you type 'em

 

[Plouasne]

Twins, and the Virginity test

Twins, and the Virginity test


The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news! '

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more'

I asked, 'What do you mean there's more?'

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'



A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he can tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel.'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue, and if she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her head with the shovel.'

Confession-Good for the soul!


A married Irishman went into the confessional and

said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He
Paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in
The poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as
putting it in!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she
Said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink
the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog
died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be
saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there
are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the
service?
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to
a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old I'm telling everybody."

Liverpool or Everton ??

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am an Everton fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you an Everton fan?

'Because my mum is an Everton fan, and my dad is an Everton fan, so I'm an Everton fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be an Everton fan'.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'

Try this link for the full works of jokes

the france forum • View forum - Joke Joint

 

[unguided1]

I hear liverpool have signed on two new players, ones japanese and the other is italian, they are called nickai mota and scamatelli.

 

[Puddle]

Rare photo of the 1940 Tour de France

picture to follow...hopefully

 

[Puddle]

http://www.ukplumbersforums.co.uk/attachment.php?attachmentid=179&stc=1&d=1249667004

 

[Plouasne]

Think that I can top that one

Q) Why did the French plant popular trees down each side of the roads

A) So that the Germans can march in the shade

 

[Plouasne]

Re: Why the long faces, No Joke corner perhaps, The Tax Person

Last 10 pence

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

 

[Dave]

i like that one...gunna borrow it for the tilers forum...

 

[Plouasne]

Paddy's fingers


Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,

'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,

'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,

' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

Does this mean that I am an old phart now ? Plouasne Senior Member, elevated from Junior to senior within 10 days of joining, this is better than the quick 'become a plumber in 4 weeks) plumbing courses

Paddy's fingers


Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,

'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,

'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,

' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

Italian Golfer


An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'


I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'


'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'


'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'


'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'


'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'


'Who said my Nono's dead?'


Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?'


'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.


The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'


'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'


At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'


'Who said he wanted to?'

 

[Plouasne]

The Aircraft Aisle Seat

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London, one took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.




Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.




He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...




'Why does it have to be this way?




How long must this go on?




This fighting between our nations?




This hatred?




This animosity?




This spitting in shoes and ****ing in Cokes?'

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

When all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation .

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,' says St. Peter, 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that..'

 

[Plouasne]

Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square
handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.

“Six pence,” says the chemist.

“How much for a new one?”

“Ten pence,”says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square
handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his
sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.

“We’ll have a new one.”

HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTRE

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center. Claude was never invited back to entertain.

Belgique jokes, the French tend to have jokes about the Belgium's like the English do about the Irish, so a couple of them

How do you drive a Belgique crazy ?? put him in a round room and tell him to dust the corners

How can you tell a Belgique in an orgy ?? he is the only one screwing his wife

 

[Plouasne]

Re: Why the long faces, No Joke corner perhaps, Christmas Party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Pauline
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our ' Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE : 6th November

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table....you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays a re allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!


Pauline.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.

They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

The pig from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

 

[Plouasne]

The "Smart" Aussie Blond

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in a small town in Tasmania.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his
usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th
row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with
her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work and in the community, and from
reaching our full potential as people.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general... and all in the name of humour!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,
and the blonde yells:
'You stay out of this mate!
I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!'

 

[emergencyman]

A man goes into the plumbers merchants and buys a 22mm compression double check valve .
It turns out its the wrong size so he takes it back, but the merchant refuses. "Why wont you take it back? " says the plumber.
The merchant replies " Because its a non return valve".

_______________________________________________________________-

I got on the bus ( in Yorkshire ) the other day and I think the man in front was a plumber . He said to the driver " next stopcock ".
____________________________________________________

What did the plumber say when he dumped his girlfriend ?
Its all over flo.
_____________________________________________________

A woman called me( plumber) the other day and said she had a drip in her cellar.
I stood at the top of the steps and shouted " come out here, you F**** drip."

___________________________________________________________________

 

[Puddle]

CONFUCIUS SAY



If you can't find the bookyou wantYou're probably




shoppingat the

 

[Puddle]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard so the guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Labrador replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering around suspicious characters and listening in to everything. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar - He never did any of that sh%t.