a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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Barry98

Woke up this morning and decided to cycle to work,
but when i went out it was slinging it down.
So i thought i'd go back to bed for 20 minutes.
When i got back in bed i decided to give the missus one from behind.
I said "its slinging it down out there" and she replied
" i know and that stupid sod is cycling to work"
 
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There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
 
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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Aussie said, "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife ,y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ...wow! that's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
 
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in case of emergencies


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I went on a date with a girl with a stutter.

The waiter asked what she would like to order.

She said, "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n..."

At that point, I decided to help her out and shouted, "BATMAN!"
 
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a blonde drops off her black dress at the cleaners
on her way out the woman at the counter says 'come again'
the blonde says ' no its toothpaste this time you nosey pig'
 
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A few years ago, my wife told me that the pain of childbirth was indescribable.

Fair play to her though, every chance she gets, she tries.
 
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My new girlfriend and I had our 9th date last night. We've always gone out to eat previously so we decided for a change to watch the new movie. Our relationship so far can best be described as:

Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Batman!
 
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Paddy meet`s Mick coming out of confession at church did father O`Shea forgive your sin`s ..no say`s Mick I told him I had been unfaithful to the Wife..Father said with who were you unfaithful ..I can`t say father ..then let me help you my son was it Mrs O`reilly ..no father...was it Freda O`flannagen ..no father.. was it Mary O'Connor...no father ..well my son I cannot forgive your sin`s go and come back when you feel you can tell me...Paddy say`s that`s a shame then ..not really said Mick I got three hot tip`s while I was there...regards turnpin:35:
 
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