a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Went to the doctors the other day and he told me i had chlamidya, gonnhorhea and onomatopoeia. I asked him "What the hell is onomatopoeia?" He said "Its exactly what it sounds like"

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Went to a fancy dress party at the weekend dressed as a loaf of bread...........The birds were all over me!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Ar lass has been missing a week now. The Police have told me to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My racing snail wasn't winning races anymore so i took his shell off thinking it would reduce weight and make him more aerodynamic............. hasn't worked though, if anything it's made him more sluggish

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I hate double standards. Like if a girl goes out and sleeps with loads of guys she's considered a "****".
Yet if a guy does it...he's considered a "homosexual".

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The kids have been going on and on at me for ages about going to Alton Towers, so I thought today was as good a day as any..... They were gutted when I got home!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach, a human hair can hold 3kg, the length of a ***** is three times the length of the thumb, the femur is as hard as concrete, a woman's heart beats faster then a man's, women blink twice as much as men, we use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman has read this entire sentence..... the mans still lookin at his thumb.

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My missus being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on her forehead!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak.

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I see the price of Oxo cubes and Bovril has shot up again.
The stock market's gone crazy!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I'm up in court next week charged with hitting an african woman in B & Q. Not entirely my fault, me Dad asked me to find a black an decker

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Men have two emotions: Hungry & *****. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer,Then, on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. We might be England, but by heck are we funny!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

When David Beckham scores a goal, I drink 8 pints of Becks, when Paul Scholes scores I drink 8 pints of Skol, when Tommy Miller scores I drink 8 pints of Miller....... thank CHRIST David Seaman played in goal!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

what's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? one is a marsupial and the other is a geordie trapped in a lift