a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Dotty]

22 Reasons To Love Ireland | The Poke

 

[Whyme]

I've started in the **** industry.
I'm only in foot fetish films right now but I am working my way up.

 

[CES]

Be careful where you sleep

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

learned a new language

 

[CES]

 

[CES]

 

[lame plumber]

Couple driving home in the pouring rain, they run over a Badger. They get out and find it’s still breathing but freezing cold. Husband says “Put it between your legs to warm it up”, wife replies “But it’s all wet and it stinks”, he says “Well hold its ****ing nose then!”



There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?”, he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

A guy walks into a dentist office and wants a tooth removed. The dentist says that I can give a shot of novocane .and remove the tooth with no pain to you. The guy says that he can’t have shots, do you have anything else?The dentist leaves the room and returns with a bottle tucked under his arm, The dentist explains that there is gas in this bottle and I can put you to sleep, and when you wake up the tooth will be removed. The man says that he can’t have gas, do you have anything else ? The dentist leaves the room and comes back with two little blue pills in his hand. Here take these. The man washes down the pills and asked the dentist, what he just swallowed. The dentist replied that he just gave him some ******. The man says, Why would you give me ****** ? !!?The dentist replied,Well ..... when I pull that tooth your going to need something to hold onto

 

[Masood]

Thought for the day:

 

[kay-jay]

After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the ****ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

 

[Masood]

After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the ****ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

Stealing that one for facebook, Kevan!

 

[kay-jay]

Stealing that one for facebook, Kevan!

Where do you think I found it? Lol [emoji38]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[lame plumber]

 

[Rickster123]

 

[Masood]

Can we have these made up as UKPF members' uniform???