a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[kay-jay]

Two electricians were walking to the bike shed when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second electrician replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

[Ermintrude]

Really sad.....

My old apprentice is joining heat team ....

Is he fleck

 

[stevetheplumber]

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

 

[brum]

Lets me off the hook then !

I wouldn't mind but "un oeuf" aint even in English dictionary, I checked.

I rest my case ..brum

 

[Rickster123]

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"


It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

 

[chris watkins]

I rest my case ..brum

et ils disent ironie est mort :jester:

 

[Rickster123]

Having the nickname 'Horse' is a sure fire way of getting birds back to mine.


They quickly lose interest however when I stop halfway to have a **** in the middle of the road.

 

[stevetheplumber]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'




Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'



Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new$300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red..

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight..'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ....

I thought I had a crack in my
$300 Armani leather shoes...!

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

So much truth in this!

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 4
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pocketbook. This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 5
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, although unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 6
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only,” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!
In addition, we will no longer be having the gift exchange because the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and management believes $10.00 is a little cheap.
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. There will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts.
Happy Now?
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: The Holiday Party
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for “Santa” does happen to be “Satan.” There is no evil connotation to our own little “man in a red suit.”
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: The ****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian jerks: I’ve had it with you people! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it. You’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, they scream when you slice them. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.
Pauline, the pig from HELL!
—————————————————————————
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Have a SUCCESSFUL day!
John
Credits: Orphaned Work, Sfglobe and Poznyakov via Shutterstock

 

[stevetheplumber]

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and
would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer,
"Ask him where the money is."


The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,
"Where's the money?"


Guido signs back,
"I don't know what you are talking about."


The lawyer tells the Godfather,
"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."


The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"


The lawyer signs to Guido,
"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."


Guido trembles and signs back,
"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"


The lawyer replies,
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

During a commercial airline flight an off duty pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began breastfeeding the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that a paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The pilot sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been sucking barley sugars."

 

[gasmanrob]

Just passed chris rea on the motorway... I wonder where he's going

 

[rpm]

Just passed chris rea on the motorway... I wonder where he's going

Driving home for Christmas on the Road to Hell.

 

[brum]

How do you make a pound of fat look good? Put a nipple on it..brum