a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[julesverne]

Call a women beautiful 1000 times and she will never notice.

call her fat once and she will never forget.

that's because elephants never forget.

 

[Dotty]

An older Gent and his lovely wife enter a pub and walk up to the bar.
The Husband asks the wife to order him his usual because he has to use the Gents.
As she waits to gets the busy barmans attention, she notices a young man next to her staring.
"Can I help you?" she said.
"I would just love to fondle your breasts!" Said the young man.
Dirty b'stard, she thought.
"That's not all, I would also love to lift up your dress and smother your bum with kisses! "
Absolutely disgraceful, dirty little b'stard, she thought again!
"That's not all he said, I'd really love to turn you upside down, completely fill your Jack&Danny with beer, and drink it all!"
Just then her Husband returned from the Gents.
"Bobby" she called to her Hubby panicking.
"What's up Treacle"
"This young upstart has just said he'd like to fondle my breasts!"
"Dirty little b'stard" said Bobby, whilst rolling up one sleeve.
"That's not all, he also said he'd love to smother my bum in kisses".
"F#@k that, dirty little b'stard" said Bobby whilst rolling up his other sleeve, "I'm gonna f#@k'n kill him"!
"Thats not all, he then said that he'd love to turn me upside down, fill my Jack@Danny with beer and drink it!"
Jack then started to roll both of his sleeves back down, and grabbed his coat.
"What are you doing" asked Bobbys wife. "Take him out an give him a beating"
"Bollox", said Bobby. "Any man that can hold that much beer, I'm not about to f#@k with!"

 

[Dotty]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.The only friction in their marriage was the husband"s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and he smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn"t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Sunday morning as she was preparing the chicken for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of chicken guts into his shorts.Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty well...About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.He said, "Honey you were right! All these years you have warned me and I didn"t listen to you"."What do you mean?" asked his wife."Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened"."But by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in".

 

[turnpin]

There was a young lady quite odd
who wanted a baby from God
But was not the Almighty
that popped up her nighty
but the Vicar the dirty old sod............Regards Turnpin:rofl:

 

[Dotty]

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself.

It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"

"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."

"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"

"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special!"

With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!"

 

[turnpin]

At a party thrown for fairy tale figures Snow White got a little tipsy and decided to try her luck with Pinocchio and when finaly she seduced him to the bedroom and stripped right off and with Pinocchio laid out on the bed she positioned herself so as to sit on his faced and let out a cry ......lie Pinocchio lie.....lol regards Turnpin:smile5:

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't **** with Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

[gasmanrob]

Walking back from the pub the other night I heard a noise in someone's bin. I took a look and found a cat. I picked it up and looked it over and couldn't help thinking who'd throw out a perfectly good cat like that!

 

[rpm]

That reminds me of a time when I was walking home through a maze of a housing estate around 1am in the morning after a good night out and a ruddy fox jumped out of a wheellie bin right beside me, Jeez did that make me jump!

 

[Dotty]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

 

[Dotty]

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
The priest is silent for a moment, and then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that ****ing smirk off your face.”

 

[newcastle phill]

I thought new girlfriend might actually be the "one", but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform I finally decided that if she cant hold down a frugging job she's not the one for me.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

when Ebola hits the uk there's only one thing we can do....
Take petes car,go to mums,kill Philip,grab Liz Go to the Winchester....
and have a nice cold pint and wait for all this to blow over

 

[rpm]

when Ebola hits the uk there's only one thing we can do....
Take petes car,go to mums,kill Philip,grab Liz Go to the Winchester....
and have a nice cold pint and wait for all this to blow over

Cracking film that.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Cracking film that.

yep,seen it a few times