a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[townfanjon]

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

[rpm]

Little Jonnny, raised his hand and asked "Miss, do farts have lumps in them?" No they don`t why? "Well in that case I`ve just **** myself".

 

[stani]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmC62Eg82E8&feature=share


This is absolutely brilliant!!!
A must to watch.

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[AlexGas]

Why!???
[video]https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CpmW9rZ4VMs[/video]

 

[lame plumber]

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'



Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

good,but last line killed it

 

[stani]

 

[turnpin]

: woman goes to see her vicar and say's she has two female parrot's who can only say the phrase....we're prostitutes do you fancy a good time.....the vicar say's do not worry my child...I have two male parrot's at home and I've taught them both to pray and quote chapters from the good book ....bring them over tomorrow and my two will soon have them back on the straight and narrow......she turned up the next day and introduced the she birds into the cage.....one of the females then said we're prostitutes fancy a good time.....one of the males looked at his mate and said put the rosary beads away our prayers have been answered....lol...regards Turnpin

 

[Best]

 

[rpm]

Just Taser it for gawds sake!

 

[Masood]

View attachment 27805 Just Taser it for gawds sake!

Imaging him calling in sick - "Can't come to work, I'm feeling a bit horse".....

 

[rpm]

Wife; What you doing?
Husband; Nothing.

Wife; You`ve been looking at our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband; I was looking for the expiration date.

(shamelessly borrowed)

 

[rpm]

Just had strobe lights installed in the bedroom.


Now it looks like the wife is moving when we have sex.

 

[stani]

 

[Best]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[Plumbstar Tom]

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

 

[turnpin]

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

BOOM BOOM.......LOL regards Turnpin

 

[Dotty]

I always call my wife's name out when I'm having sex.

I like to make sure she's not around!

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

Come on then Steve, step forward, man up or, run like the clappers.



This actually made me feel ill.

 

[tamz]

I've shagged worse

 

[Paulplumb]

[video=youtube_share;LBwcrbY5ET0]https://youtu.be/LBwcrbY5ET0[/video]

 

[townfanjon]

I thought I would share this with you .... but probably only the football supporters among you will fully appreciate how funny it was.

Huddersfield town played Port vale in the cup this afternoon, a vale fan got chucked out by the rozzers as he passed the town fans , the Town fans started singing

" shot in a minute , your getting shot in a minute, shot in a minute , your getting shot in a minute , even the police laughed.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[Atouchofgas]

Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc walking past I said, "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?" He says," no this is the burns unit!
happy rabbie burns day

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[turnpin]

:biggrin:A woman went to the dentist and sat down in the chair dentist said you need a filling....oooh she said I'd much rather have a baby......dentist said make your mind up so I can adjust the seat....lol regards Turnpin

 

[joni os]

View attachment 28918

Many a true word spoken in jest.

 

[julesverne]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her
in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card
bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a ******* cold....

 

[julesverne]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her
in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card
bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a ******* cold....

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[PlumbBobBob]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!

 

[stani]

 

[turnpin]

Fella goes home and asks his wife..fancy trying a new position she agrees right he says lets both strip off and with you facing away from me wrap your left leg around mine then do the same with your right now lets do the same with our arms and there she is having the ride of her life after awhile they collapse in a sweaty heap and she says wow that's the best sex I've ever had with you where did you learn to do that?....oh he replied your sister showed me last night......:rofl:....regards Turnpin