a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Paulplumb]

An old boy asks his mate if he knows anyone who will murder his wife. His mate says sure Gino will do it. Gino turns up and says I'll kill your wife, I'll shoot right under the titty. The old boy says I want her dead not kneecapped.

 

[Howsie]

https://www.************/onthetools/videos/1795451497407395/

 

[Masood]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic..
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
An Arse Hole is usually in charge!!!

 

[Masood]

 

[Howsie]

https://www.************/NegDupreeOfficial/videos/10154592183336385/

 

[stani]

 

[turnpin]

View attachment 27374

Perhaps it should say .....Good but no cigar..lol regards Turnpin:sifone:

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Purposeful photo ?Wonder how many of you will click on enlarge picture qBeauty Removable Waterproof Temporary Tattoo Butterfly Tattoo Body Art Sticker | eBay

 

[stani]

I cannot tell a lie, I did.

 

[stani]

 

[townfanjon]

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

[rpm]

Little Jonnny, raised his hand and asked "Miss, do farts have lumps in them?" No they don`t why? "Well in that case I`ve just **** myself".

 

[stani]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmC62Eg82E8&feature=share


This is absolutely brilliant!!!
A must to watch.

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[AlexGas]

Why!???
[video]https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CpmW9rZ4VMs[/video]

 

[lame plumber]

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'



Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

good,but last line killed it

 

[stani]

 

[turnpin]

: woman goes to see her vicar and say's she has two female parrot's who can only say the phrase....we're prostitutes do you fancy a good time.....the vicar say's do not worry my child...I have two male parrot's at home and I've taught them both to pray and quote chapters from the good book ....bring them over tomorrow and my two will soon have them back on the straight and narrow......she turned up the next day and introduced the she birds into the cage.....one of the females then said we're prostitutes fancy a good time.....one of the males looked at his mate and said put the rosary beads away our prayers have been answered....lol...regards Turnpin

 

[Best]

 

[rpm]

Just Taser it for gawds sake!

 

[Masood]

View attachment 27805 Just Taser it for gawds sake!

Imaging him calling in sick - "Can't come to work, I'm feeling a bit horse".....

 

[rpm]

Wife; What you doing?
Husband; Nothing.

Wife; You`ve been looking at our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband; I was looking for the expiration date.

(shamelessly borrowed)

 

[rpm]

Just had strobe lights installed in the bedroom.


Now it looks like the wife is moving when we have sex.

 

[stani]

 

[Best]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[stani]

 

[Plumbstar Tom]

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

 

[turnpin]

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

BOOM BOOM.......LOL regards Turnpin

 

[Dotty]

I always call my wife's name out when I'm having sex.

I like to make sure she's not around!

 

[stani]