a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Howsie]

Baton Twirl Like No One is Watching

Is that Croppie?

 

[Howsie]

Dance like no-one's watching...

https://youtu.be/s2HdEYLlHCI

I actually feel very uncomfortable watching that. I think I could cringe to death.

 

[julesverne]

The little boy had been looking out of the airplane's window.

He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.

The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy replied, "Yes, she did."

"Well," said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

 

[julesverne]

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give more than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far bum kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
Its the Bull**** and bum Kissing will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

 

[julesverne]

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."
I said, "How come?"
He said, "Well ... your wife is a ******* minger."

 

[PlumbBobBob]

https://www.************/IveLostMyM...41827.426976694096910/916699228457985/?type=3

 

[julesverne]

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand about watching a woman make sandwiches."

 

[Masood]

Some absolute belters here if you're after a new hairstyle!

12 deeply regrettable haircuts of our time | The Poke

 

[1Steven]

 

[kay-jay]

Spent my saturday morning on a spot of home improvement.
Not exactly as intended but it will do.

 

[kay-jay]

Any religious folk in here want a fancy light switch?

 

[1Steven]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, 'Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?'
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees
so that he's on her level, and says, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ...
'I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk!!..

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[stani]