a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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Masood said:
Those poor, dear girls. We should go over there immediately to be their personal bodyguards. I volunteer to body search them all for hidden weapons....
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Careful! I think they are all carrying large pointy items on them.
 
... image.jpg
 
The little boy had been looking out of the airplane's window.

He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.

The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy replied, "Yes, she did."

"Well," said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
 
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give more than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far bum kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
Its the Bull**** and bum Kissing will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!
 
As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."
I said, "How come?"
He said, "Well ... your wife is a ******* minger."
 
As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand about watching a woman make sandwiches."
 
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, 'Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?'
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees
so that he's on her level, and says, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ...
'I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk!!..
 
3 fella's walking down a country lane and spot a pig's bum sticking out of the bush's...1st guy said I wish that was Pam Anderson's bum........second guy said I wish it was Jennifer Aniston,s bum.....third guy said I wish it was dark.......lol regards Turnpin:rofl:
 
Two policeman knock on the door and ask the man who answers can he confirm if the lady in the photo is his wife......one of the policemen said I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus....to which the man replie's I know but she's got a cracking personality...... lol regards Turnpin:rofl:
 
A man was at the bar of a posh hotel getting himself a scotch when he accidentally elbowed a young lady in her breast oh my goodness I am so sorry he said but if your heart is as soft as your breast I hope you can forgive me.......she replied if your dick is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 202......lol regards Turnpin:rofl:
 
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
 
A mate of mine got in a packed lift and let one rip.....it was so wrong on all level's.....lol regards Turnpin
 
Same mate got in a lift and said to the pretty young thing beside him can I smell your fanny ....she gave him a dirty look and said certainly not........must be your feet then he replied...lol regards Turnpin:smile5:
 
Go on own up whose downloaded it :D
 
This is the Italian Minister Maria Elena Boschi, signing up for her new Government position.
In my opinion, quite the wrong choice of shoe colour to wear with that suit for such an occasion.

image.jpg
 
I would have expected a 'Tramp Stamp' as a minimum.

I hope for her sake she learns from this
 
Young fella go's into a chemist and ask's for a packet of condom's pay's and give the man behind the counter a big smile and laugh's as he leave's......this go's on for three day's....on the third day as he leave's the chemist say's to his assistant follow him and let me know where he go's......on his return the chemist say's well.....round your house came the reply......lol regards Turnpin:smilielol5:
 
You can now get insurance for sex in the UK!

So make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-


Sex with your wife - Legal & General

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone different - Go Compare

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than

Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union

Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability

Sex with an OAP - Saga

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident


and finally


Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com



Make sure you are adequately covered! Or should that read make sure you adequately covered
 
An old boy asks his mate if he knows anyone who will murder his wife. His mate says sure Gino will do it. Gino turns up and says I'll kill your wife, I'll shoot right under the titty. The old boy says I want her dead not kneecapped.
 
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic..
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
An Arse Hole is usually in charge!!!
 
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