a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Masood]

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he slapped my arse, grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

Belly-laughed at that!

 

[stevetheplumber]

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch *****, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'


The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him to. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What exactly did you say to me?'


The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ….. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch *****, my testicles weigh 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.'


The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown'! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."

 

[townfanjon]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[village idiot]

That Irish bloke (I've 4gotten his name, it comes on so often in Irish jokes?) and his friend are walking down a street when they find TWO grenades lying by the road side. They pick it up and decide to take it to the police station. On their way there, one of them said: ''What if one of the grenade explodes on our way there, what shall we tell the police?'' We will tell them we only found one, says his friend.

 

[Masood]

 

[lame plumber]

 

[spanner]

Haaaa nutz

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

View attachment 23820

mas,I PMSL over that one

 

[turnpin]

 

[townfanjon]

View attachment 23834

Theres a pic doing the rounds where somebody has painted a cylinder like a minion lol

 

[spanner]

View attachment 23834

Think it's called an hexpasion Bessel..lolz

 

[turnpin]

Have to admit my pal sent it to me said it came off Facebook.....which I don't do so can't confirm....regards Turnpin

 

[ShaunCorbs]

Theres a pic doing the rounds where somebody has painted a cylinder like a minion lol

 

[townfanjon]

Admin, remove or laugh lol

 

[Dotty]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the ****!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I confess - I’m a rabbit!"

 

[stevetheplumber]

lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me," says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at?" he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

 

[Masood]

Hungry?

12 Mistranslated Menus | The Poke

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[lame plumber]

https://www.************/KimboSliceFights/videos/872288662887728/?pnref=story

how to get rid of customers looking over your shoulder

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[stevetheplumber]

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely, Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his bum. And that Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan

 

[stevetheplumber]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed
to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
news. The donkey's died'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened
with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made
a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

 

[stevetheplumber]

Man in bar orders a gin and tonic....
Lady next to him, “What a coincidence, I’ve just ordered that”
Man, “I'm Celebrating.”
Lady, “Me too”
Man, “What a coincidence. Why are you celebrating?”
Lady, “My husband and I have tried for four years for a baby and today I’ve found out I’m pregnant.”
Man, “What a coincidence! I am a farmer and for four years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs, today all are laying eggs.”
Lady, “Wow! How did that happen?
Man, “I used a different cock”
Lady smiled, “What a coincidence.”

 

[stevetheplumber]

.An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

 

[townfanjon]

One i pulled last night

 

[ShaunCorbs]

One i pulled last night View attachment 24167

hope you put it back

 

[spanner]

hope you put it back

OmG that's hoodge..jheez.!

 

[kay-jay]

I just got kicked out of hospital.
Apparently the 'stroke patients here' sign meant something else....

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving, and you should all take heed.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at a pub in town and had a few too many vodies
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough we passed a police road block, but, since it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

 

[stevetheplumber]

went to a sex shop today to get a blow up doll and the best one they had was the muslim one
Blows its self up

 

[Masood]

went to a sex shop today to get a blow up doll and the best one they had was the muslim one
Blows its self up

PMSL! Stealing that one...

 

[turnpin]

Mrs told me this one was on FB....
A ninety year old chap went to the chemist and asked for ******
The assistant returned with a strip
The old boy asks him can you cut each one into 4
The chemist replied at that size they wouldn't really give him the effect he might have hoped for
The old chap said look son I'm 90 years old and lost interest in sex year's ago
The chemist ask's what did he want them for
I only need a them to work just enough so I don't keep p**sing on my feet when I use the loo.....
Lol...regards Turnpin:rofl: