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View the thread, titled "a monday pick me up contains adult humour" which is posted in UK Plumbers Forums on UK Plumbers Forums.
P
PlumbBobBob
This gave me a right chuckle...
Michael Yon
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Michael Yon
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
R
Rickster123
Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
R
Rickster123
What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a ***** drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
M
Masood
Love the planet!!!!
http://www.****forforest.com/en/about.html
Warning - nudity and wacko content...
http://www.****forforest.com/en/about.html
Warning - nudity and wacko content...
M
Masood
Ooops - insert the f word in the link..
B
Billy Bob Bob
Orville has been left speechless following Keith Harris' death
B
Billy Bob Bob
Keith Harris is now at peace..
And now Orville's Harris is also finally at peace.
And now Orville's Harris is also finally at peace.
D
Dotty
A bakery owner hires a young female assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thongs.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As she retrieves the second loaf
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip,
She yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little!!.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As she retrieves the second loaf
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip,
She yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little!!.
D
Dotty
A bakery owner hires a young female assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thongs.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As she retrieves the second loaf
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip,
She yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little!!.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As she retrieves the second loaf
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip,
She yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little!!.
NEWS FLASH!!!!
Thieves have broken into FIFA headquarters
And have stolen The 2018 world cup results
Thieves have broken into FIFA headquarters
And have stolen The 2018 world cup results
B
Billy Bob Bob
J
julesverne
I accidentally filled my blow up doll with helium the other day and now the pig is playing hard to get.
Man Shoves His Parrot In The Freezer To Discipline It…It Goes Way Better Than Expected
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
A Jamaican in New York can't find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:
JAMAICAN MEDICINE GUARANTEED TREATMENT FOR ANY ILLNESS – $100.00 IF YOU ARE NOT CURED, GET BACK $1,000.00.
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to teach this Jamaican a lesson and earn an easy $1,000.00so he goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Jamaican: "Nurse, bring medicine from bottle number 22 and put 3 drops in this patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh…this is kerosene!"
Jamaican: "Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $100.00."
The lawyer, annoyed at being duped so easily, goes back after a few days to try to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Jamaican: "Nurse, bring medicine from bottle number 22 and put 3 drops in this patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "No way! That is kerosene. You gave it to me last time for restoring my taste."
Jamaican: "Congratulations. You got your memory back. Give me $100.00."
The fuming lawyer pays him, then, determined to get back his $200.00 plus $800.00 extra, he comes back a week later, walking with a white cane.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak." Jamaican: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $1,000.00." (hands him a note) Lawyer: (staring at the note) "But this is $50.00,not $1,000.00!" Jamaican: "Congratulations, your eyesight is restored. Let me have it back and give me $100.00
JAMAICAN MEDICINE GUARANTEED TREATMENT FOR ANY ILLNESS – $100.00 IF YOU ARE NOT CURED, GET BACK $1,000.00.
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to teach this Jamaican a lesson and earn an easy $1,000.00so he goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Jamaican: "Nurse, bring medicine from bottle number 22 and put 3 drops in this patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh…this is kerosene!"
Jamaican: "Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $100.00."
The lawyer, annoyed at being duped so easily, goes back after a few days to try to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Jamaican: "Nurse, bring medicine from bottle number 22 and put 3 drops in this patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "No way! That is kerosene. You gave it to me last time for restoring my taste."
Jamaican: "Congratulations. You got your memory back. Give me $100.00."
The fuming lawyer pays him, then, determined to get back his $200.00 plus $800.00 extra, he comes back a week later, walking with a white cane.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak." Jamaican: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $1,000.00." (hands him a note) Lawyer: (staring at the note) "But this is $50.00,not $1,000.00!" Jamaican: "Congratulations, your eyesight is restored. Let me have it back and give me $100.00
B
Billy Bob Bob
Three dizzy blondes are out in the wilds when they come across some tracks....1st blonde says they are bear tracks ...2nd blonde says no they are mountain lion tracks ..3rd blonde disagree's and say's they are wolf track's.....they were still arguing when the train hit them....lol:8:
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Three nun's are waiting to get into heaven St. peter say's.....before I can let you in you must answer one question he says to the first one who was the first woman God created.....Eve she replied ...Congrats in you go .....he then says to the second where did she live......Garden of Eden...Congrats in you go .....he says to the third As you are the Mother Supirior your question will be more difficult...he ask's her what was the first word's Eve said when she first saw Adam moving toward's her......Oooh that's a hard one!!......Congrats in you go....lol regards Turnpin:8:
J
julesverne
Husband says to wife.
I bet you cant make me happy and pished off at the same time.
Wife says your dick is bigger than your brothers.
I bet you cant make me happy and pished off at the same time.
Wife says your dick is bigger than your brothers.
A man has been out drinking all day the bartender finally day's that the bar is closing.So the man stood up to leave and falls flat on his face...he tribe's again same result.So he thought the best plan was to crawl outside hoping the fresh air would sober him up.Once outside he tried to stand up once more and again falls over.So he resign's himself to crawl all the way home when he finally arrived he tried once more just about managing to open the front door before once more crashing to the floor he crawled to his bed and with a last effort somehow managed to fall into bed....He was awakened the next morning with his wife standing over him screaming
So you've been out drinking all day again .....he replies...what makes you say that with an innocent look on his face......the pub just called .....youv'e left your wheelchair there again...lol regards Turnpin:17:
So you've been out drinking all day again .....he replies...what makes you say that with an innocent look on his face......the pub just called .....youv'e left your wheelchair there again...lol regards Turnpin:17:
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