a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[SimonG]

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night, apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is an unacceptable way to describe the number 69.

 

[spanner]

Lolz thatched amazing

 

[galaxy_plumbing]

[video=youtube;W714sCvy2EM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W714sCvy2EM[/video]

lol.

 

[lame plumber]

the funniest part of the vid is his haircut!

 

[turnpin]

My mate pulled at the weekend he said she was a 1664 ?...he explained she looked like 16 from behind and 64 from the front ..after a lot of drink she dragged him back to hers and led him to the bedroom ..he said the room was full of shelves with all types of teddy's and doll's sitting on them ...after a night of passion she woke him with a cup of tea ...he said how was it for you last night ...she replied he could choose anything from the bottom shelf.....lol regards Turnpinunk:

 

[CES]

 

[Dotty]

I went up to my wife holding a gun and said, "Any last words?"


Two hours later, I killed her

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Dotty]

New regulation in South Africa.

 

[julesverne]

if being attacked by a bunch of pyschpathic clowns to protect yourself always go for the juggler

 

[Dotty]

On average, a Welshman will have sex two to three times a week whereas a Chinese man will have sex only once or twice a year.







This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Chinese.......

 

[Dotty]

Not suitable for work or kids.....

That's A Damn Hot Gym Workout! | Funny Pe Net

 

[Dotty]

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

 

[Masood]

Well that wasn't very well thought-out, was it?

 

[Masood]

This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Chinese.......

Really?! Everyone says you're Ni Hai. I just assumed that was your real name...

 

[Dotty]

Really?! Everyone says you're Ni Hai. I just assumed that was your real name...

Git. I may make you a bacon sarnie in revenge.

Fatwa that!

 

[kay-jay]

Fatwa that!

What about your hat?[emoji38][emoji38][emoji38]

 

[Dotty]

Took me a moment.........


Turd........

 

[CES]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

A sweet-looking old lady enters in a sex-shop. She walks hesitantly, her hands shake, her whole body is taken by random spasms and tremors, she shows all the signs of advanced Parkinson.

When she arrives at the counter, she holds tight on it to steady herself. Her shakes are so bad that you can hear the faint dingaling of things rattling on the counter's glass shelves.

The clerk is a bit taken aback, but still asks: "How can I help you, Madame?"

Stuttering slightly, the old lady asks:

"Do you-ou s-sell ****** here?"

"Er... Yes, we do..."

"D-do you ha-have that big pi-pink one... The one w-with t-three speeds... T-t-twe-elve inches long?"

"Well... Er... Yes, we have something like that..."

The old lady leans on the counter, which shakes all the more. With an intent look on her face, almost grimacing, she yells in one go:

"HOW DO YOU SWITCH THE BUGGER OFF???"

 

[CES]

Obviously we need teachers first to educate our advertisers!!

 

[mike-c]

[video=youtube;2bPwfLe13Uo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bPwfLe13Uo[/video]

 

[CES]

Went for for a ride with the mrs... Anyone wanna buy a bike?

 

[lame plumber]

could have been a great ride once upon a time, the bike that is...........................

 

[CES]

 

[CES]

Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet,
sweeping is your job

 

[brum]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two but their problem is getting in..brum

 

[lame plumber]

cheap tarts vibrator? coke bottle full of blue bottles

how does a cheap tart keep the flies off her tea when eating it, she opens her legs

Oz jokes made less racist

 

[Barry98]

iPhone 6 ordered last week two packages first ones just arrived

 

[newcastle phill]

Is that your free gift

 

[Barry98]

Is that your free gift

Yeah wonder what there getting at

 

[newcastle phill]

I pondered this....

I think its once you realise youve been raped after 2 month you can beat your self silly with buyers remorse

.....enjoy

 

[Dotty]

Ermintrude's new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as they were on their way to see his parents, so he called them up and said...

"Sorry Mum, We're going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh Guy!" Ermintrude's mum sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

 

[Ermintrude]

Ha ha ha ! You've seen my wife I wish she had a puncture!

 

[Dotty]

Ha ha ha ! You've seen my wife I wish she had a puncture!

your wife's lovely! You're punching well above your weight!

And that's a lotta weight!