a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[newcastle phill]

I wish mine had money....!

 

[kay-jay]

I wish mine had money....!

She does. Yours! [emoji38]

 

[Ermintrude]

No he's got none keeps buying default yellow plastic drills

 

[Ermintrude]

Dewalt

 

[gasmanrob]

Dewalt

No you were right first time

 

[Dotty]

22 Reasons To Love Ireland | The Poke

 

[Whyme]

I've started in the **** industry.
I'm only in foot fetish films right now but I am working my way up.

 

[CES]

Be careful where you sleep

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

learned a new language

 

[CES]

 

[CES]

 

[lame plumber]

Couple driving home in the pouring rain, they run over a Badger. They get out and find it’s still breathing but freezing cold. Husband says “Put it between your legs to warm it up”, wife replies “But it’s all wet and it stinks”, he says “Well hold its ****ing nose then!”



There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?”, he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

A guy walks into a dentist office and wants a tooth removed. The dentist says that I can give a shot of novocane .and remove the tooth with no pain to you. The guy says that he can’t have shots, do you have anything else?The dentist leaves the room and returns with a bottle tucked under his arm, The dentist explains that there is gas in this bottle and I can put you to sleep, and when you wake up the tooth will be removed. The man says that he can’t have gas, do you have anything else ? The dentist leaves the room and comes back with two little blue pills in his hand. Here take these. The man washes down the pills and asked the dentist, what he just swallowed. The dentist replied that he just gave him some ******. The man says, Why would you give me ****** ? !!?The dentist replied,Well ..... when I pull that tooth your going to need something to hold onto

 

[Masood]

Thought for the day:

 

[kay-jay]

After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the ****ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

 

[Masood]

After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the ****ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

Stealing that one for facebook, Kevan!

 

[kay-jay]

Stealing that one for facebook, Kevan!

Where do you think I found it? Lol [emoji38]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[lame plumber]

 

[Rickster123]

 

[Masood]

Can we have these made up as UKPF members' uniform???

 

[Dotty]

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

 

[Masood]

He's got a point...

So has he...

 

[Masood]

WTF?????

 

[stevetheplumber]

i went out last night and got completely bladdered woke up this morning next to some bird who was farting and snoring for england
thats lucky i thought ive made it home

 

[lame plumber]

WTF?????

Back to school with Primart??

 

[CES]

WTF?????

so...they accepted my design without telling me!... I knew I should have copyrighted that!...

 

[Masood]

This is brilliant!

 

[stevetheplumber]

I came home from work early to find my wife without any clothes on.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Erm... I thought we could have a bit of fun," she replied. "Let's play naked hide and seek."
"You're on!" I said, stripping as I ran upstairs. "I'll hide first!"
I went into our bedroom and opened the wardrobe door. My mate Dave was sat there in the nude.
"I'm really sorry, mate," he said.
"Don't worry," I giggled. "I'll hide under the bed!"

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

[video]https://www.************/video.php?v=772326369484709&fref=nf[/video]

 

[Masood]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little *******. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

 

[turnpin]

Guy breaks down in the middle of nowhere walks miles through the rain ...arrives at a farm and asks to use phone to call breakdown company ..grumpy old farmer says phones out so he will have to share bed with him and beautiful young wife ..she wakes him in the middle of the night demanding he make love to her ...but he says worried he will wake the old man she said pluck a hair out of his asre and if he dos'ent move he 's fast asleep ....this is repeated three times more until the early hours of the morning .....upon calling the breakdown company he turns to thank the old farmer for his hospitality when the old boy takes him outside and says I dont mind if you make love to my young wife as I struggle these days but ffs dont use my asre as a scoreboard....regards Turnpin:smile5:

 

[Bunker]

You may have seen this before but just in case:

 

[Bunker]

Saw this today, genuinely. Marvellous bit of labelling...

 

[mountainman]

Saw this today, genuinely. Marvellous bit of labelling...

I suppose it's because the programmer is set to 'twice'.