a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Billy Bob Bob]

who wants croppies mobile? yeah ooooh night night

i have his number,give us a grand and you can have it

 

[lame plumber]

i have his number,give us a grand and you can have it

I was hoping he'd pay so we wouldnt pass it on

 

[Dotty]

who wants croppies mobile? yeah ooooh night night

You bloody well said you lost it!

 

[Dotty]

He's probably gonna switch it off so think we should bombard him with texts instead

That's a good'un....

 

[mountainman]

 

[lame plumber]

You bloody well said you lost it!

never admit to having useful information and never let on youve lost something that was useful either, oh I've found it again

 

[SimonG]

TEESSIDE HURRICANE APPEAL TODAY





A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8
on the Richter Scale hit Teesside in the early hours of Thursday with
its epicentre in Middlesbrough. Victims were seen wandering around
aimlessly, muttering "fukinelll".


The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Benidorm and the Costa
Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out
cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros
arrived.


Radio Tees FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Teesside. One resident - Tracy
Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 3 said, "It was such a shock, my
little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My
youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I
was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the
next morning."


Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal.


The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners
and Bone China from the Pound shop.


HOW CAN YOU HELP?


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) with hoods
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Pyjamas for all day use
Any other items usually sold in Primark.


Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Parmos
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.


22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, parmo and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys **** and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


**BREAKING NEWS**


Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Great Ayton" said the girl, wot's that gotta do wi yow?"


Please don't forward this to anyone living in Teesside - oh, sod it,
they won't be able to read it, anyway.

 

[julesverne]

This guy came upto me and said I'm going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.

i said "Is that a fret"

 

[Barry98]

R.i.p

 

[Ch4 plumbing]

R.i.p

If only you was right!!

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Mystery - last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in Casualty.
When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, never saw her once.
I think she's lying. She still hasn't come home yet. I'm starving.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

The Queen is in Glasgow where she bumped into Alex Salmond.
HM: “How nice to see you Mr Salmond”.
AS: “Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland
when we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and
then I’ll be a King”?
HM: “No, we don’t like that idea Mr Salmond”.
AS: “Empire, and I'll be Emperor”?
HM: “No. I don’t think so Mr Salmond”.
AS: “OK, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a
Prince”?
HM: “No, Mr Salmond. May I suggest that we call it a Country?

 

[villa_tom]

..........

 

[Barry98]

You've been warned

 

[Dotty]

You've been warned

I'm fairly hairy, I think I'm safe.......

 

[CES]

Officers from Operation Yewtree are investigating Pans People, it's alleged that they caused hundreds of young boys to self abuse in the '70s.

 

[kay-jay]

this proves everything i know about landrovers and their owners!!!:yawn:

https://www.************/photo.php?v=804325456278749&set=vb.149874618390506&type=2&theater

 

[Dotty]

Good job it's not a Landrover then!

 

[JCplumb]

made me laugh.

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Dotty]

Sunday morning in a little chapel in the welsh valleys.
The vicar is in the pulpit and says, "Who here in the congregation can tell me they have seen a ghost?"
Silence from the congregation.
The vicar then says, "Who here in the congregation can tell me that they have seen and spoken to a ghost?"
Again silence from the congregation.
The vicar then says, "Who here in the congregation can tell me that they have seen and spoken and made love to a ghost?
A voice from the back shouts out,"I have vicar!"
"Thomas Evans", says the vicar, "You mean to tell me that you have seen, spoken to and made love to ghost?"
The man replies "Oh! Sorry vicar I thought you said a goat!"

 

[turnpin]

A couple who have been married a long time are having a blazing row......he said ..when you die I am putting on your headstone here lies my wife as cold as ever........she furiously replies.....oh yeah when you die I am putting on your headstone..here lies my husband.........stiff at last......regards Turnpinunk:

 

[SimonG]

I thought it was a seaside tragedy when I saw the headline............."young lad tossed off Cliff".

Just goes to show, you never know what dangers are lurking in the Shadows.

 

[Dotty]

Perpetual motion has been discovered......

(CAUTION! Wife Unfriendly)

lads 33 - Freshers Exposed

 

[townfanjon]

Perpetual motion has been discovered......

(CAUTION! Wife Unfriendly)

lads 33 - Freshers Exposed

Oh that's just wonderful, I can't stop watching it lol

 

[galaxy_plumbing]

Well Worn Mens Work Trainers | eBay

ha ha ha

 

[mountainman]

 

[mountainman]

 

[Whyme]

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my mrs while she was in the bath. I tried to help,
but I could only knock one out.

 

[Whyme]

My mum bet me £100 I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

 

[SimonG]

I've just started a new job as a comedian in an old peoples home.

They don't understand the jokes, but they still pi$$ themselves.

 

[SimonG]

I shoved some purple grapes up my girlfriends a$$ during kinky sex last night, she didn't scream or anything.......just let out a little wine.