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Two electricians were walking to the bike shed when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second electrician replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
 
Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."
 
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"


It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
 
Having the nickname 'Horse' is a sure fire way of getting birds back to mine.


They quickly lose interest however when I stop halfway to have a **** in the middle of the road.
 
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
 
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'




Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'



Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new$300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red..

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight..'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ....

I thought I had a crack in my
$300 Armani leather shoes...!
 
So much truth in this!

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 4
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pocketbook. This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 5
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, although unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 6
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only,” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!
In addition, we will no longer be having the gift exchange because the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and management believes $10.00 is a little cheap.
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. There will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts.
Happy Now?
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: The Holiday Party
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for “Santa” does happen to be “Satan.” There is no evil connotation to our own little “man in a red suit.”
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: The ****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian jerks: I’ve had it with you people! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it. You’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, they scream when you slice them. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.
Pauline, the pig from HELL!
—————————————————————————
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Have a SUCCESSFUL day!
John
Credits: Orphaned Work, Sfglobe and Poznyakov via Shutterstock
 
The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and
would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer,
"Ask him where the money is."


The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,
"Where's the money?"


Guido signs back,
"I don't know what you are talking about."


The lawyer tells the Godfather,
"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."


The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"


The lawyer signs to Guido,
"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."


Guido trembles and signs back,
"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"


The lawyer replies,
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 
During a commercial airline flight an off duty pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began breastfeeding the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that a paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The pilot sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been sucking barley sugars."
 
Call a women beautiful 1000 times and she will never notice.

call her fat once and she will never forget.

that's because elephants never forget.
 
An older Gent and his lovely wife enter a pub and walk up to the bar.
The Husband asks the wife to order him his usual because he has to use the Gents.
As she waits to gets the busy barmans attention, she notices a young man next to her staring.
"Can I help you?" she said.
"I would just love to fondle your breasts!" Said the young man.
Dirty b'stard, she thought.
"That's not all, I would also love to lift up your dress and smother your bum with kisses! "
Absolutely disgraceful, dirty little b'stard, she thought again!
"That's not all he said, I'd really love to turn you upside down, completely fill your Jack&Danny with beer, and drink it all!"
Just then her Husband returned from the Gents.
"Bobby" she called to her Hubby panicking.
"What's up Treacle"
"This young upstart has just said he'd like to fondle my breasts!"
"Dirty little b'stard" said Bobby, whilst rolling up one sleeve.
"That's not all, he also said he'd love to smother my bum in kisses".
"F#@k that, dirty little b'stard" said Bobby whilst rolling up his other sleeve, "I'm gonna f#@k'n kill him"!
"Thats not all, he then said that he'd love to turn me upside down, fill my Jack@Danny with beer and drink it!"
Jack then started to roll both of his sleeves back down, and grabbed his coat.
"What are you doing" asked Bobbys wife. "Take him out an give him a beating"
"Bollox", said Bobby. "Any man that can hold that much beer, I'm not about to f#@k with!"
 
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.The only friction in their marriage was the husband"s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and he smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn"t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Sunday morning as she was preparing the chicken for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of chicken guts into his shorts.Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty well...About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.He said, "Honey you were right! All these years you have warned me and I didn"t listen to you"."What do you mean?" asked his wife."Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened"."But by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in".
 
There was a young lady quite odd
who wanted a baby from God
But was not the Almighty
that popped up her nighty
but the Vicar the dirty old sod............Regards Turnpin:rofl:
 
Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself.

It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"

"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."

"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"

"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special!"

With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!"
 
At a party thrown for fairy tale figures Snow White got a little tipsy and decided to try her luck with Pinocchio and when finaly she seduced him to the bedroom and stripped right off and with Pinocchio laid out on the bed she positioned herself so as to sit on his faced and let out a cry ......lie Pinocchio lie.....lol regards Turnpin:smile5:
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't **** with Mommy when she's been drinking."
 
Walking back from the pub the other night I heard a noise in someone's bin. I took a look and found a cat. I picked it up and looked it over and couldn't help thinking who'd throw out a perfectly good cat like that!
 
That reminds me of a time when I was walking home through a maze of a housing estate around 1am in the morning after a good night out and a ruddy fox jumped out of a wheellie bin right beside me, Jeez did that make me jump!
 
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
 
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