A big party in Ilfracombe tonight then
Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws
a monday pick me up contains adult humour
- Thread starter Barry98
- Start date
-
- Tags
- None
View the thread, titled "a monday pick me up contains adult humour" which is posted in UK Plumbers Forums on UK Plumbers Forums.
A big party in Ilfracombe tonight then
P
PlumbBobBob
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...
D
Dotty
Can't help but laugh at this one!
[video=youtube;QkafqWiAHhA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkafqWiAHhA[/video]
[video=youtube;QkafqWiAHhA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkafqWiAHhA[/video]
D
Dotty
I think it is absolutely necessary to look at things from a woman's point of view!
Men Will Never Understand Unless We See It From A Womans Point Of View | The Nug
Men Will Never Understand Unless We See It From A Womans Point Of View | The Nug
T
tamz
[FONT=&]
One day a man comes home from work and his wife says, "Darling, we have a dripping tap in the upstairs bathroom, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "Do i look like, a plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Darling, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "Do I look like a mechanic?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining heavy. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Darling, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "Do I look like a roofer?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. the tap is fixed and so is the car.
He asks his wife "How did you get them fixed?".
"Oh, I had a Bob the builder down the road come in and fix them," she says.
"Bloody great! How much has that cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Well thats ok then, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "a fkn baker?"[/FONT]
One day a man comes home from work and his wife says, "Darling, we have a dripping tap in the upstairs bathroom, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "Do i look like, a plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Darling, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "Do I look like a mechanic?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining heavy. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Darling, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "Do I look like a roofer?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. the tap is fixed and so is the car.
He asks his wife "How did you get them fixed?".
"Oh, I had a Bob the builder down the road come in and fix them," she says.
"Bloody great! How much has that cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Well thats ok then, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "a fkn baker?"[/FONT]
D
Dotty
[DLMURL="http://*********/gallery/wJSRE"]The 10 Best Chewbacca Quotes - Imgur[/DLMURL]
Last edited by a moderator:
gwwgrrraaaaawwwwhhhgr
K
kay-jay
P
PlumbBobBob
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
B
Barry98
Wonder what you've been searching google for this aft
M
mountainman
Finally found the missus' G Spot.
Tut, who would have figured that her younger sister had it all this time?
Tut, who would have figured that her younger sister had it all this time?
M
mountainman
The Karma Sutra has a new chapter entitled 'The Plumber'.
You both stay in all day and nobody comes!
You both stay in all day and nobody comes!
M
mountainman
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK !!* I can’t park the car !!* You do it, you smug ******* !!"
*
back and forth..... in and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK !!* I can’t park the car !!* You do it, you smug ******* !!"
*
B
Bunker
B
Barry98
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those morons at Jewsons deliver the bloody bricks on time.'
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those morons at Jewsons deliver the bloody bricks on time.'
B
Billy Bob Bob
An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the dog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the dog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
M
Masood
In the latest revised version that's been updated:
Plumbers are like call girls, they work their nuts off but the customers moan and moan but are never satisfied and everyone thinks they earn millions...
D
Dotty
Paddy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read:
Cheese Sandwich: €1.50
Chicken Sandwich: €2.50
Hand Job: €10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers Paddy, "are you the one who gives the hand- jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."
Paddy replies "Well, wash ur fecking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!
Cheese Sandwich: €1.50
Chicken Sandwich: €2.50
Hand Job: €10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers Paddy, "are you the one who gives the hand- jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."
Paddy replies "Well, wash ur fecking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!
B
Barry98
In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about, 'what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?'
Answer: Throw in your washing...
We were all having a good laugh about this when this big ******* tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits"
I said, "Oh mate, I'm so sorry. Did he drown?"
"No", he replied. "He choked on a sock"
Answer: Throw in your washing...
We were all having a good laugh about this when this big ******* tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits"
I said, "Oh mate, I'm so sorry. Did he drown?"
"No", he replied. "He choked on a sock"
B
Barry98
R
Rickster123
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
B
Barry98
R
Rickster123
A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.
A neighbour looks over the fence and says:
“Why are you digging that big deep hole?”
“My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
“I'm really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,
“but why such a big deep hole for a goldfish?”
The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside your ****ing cat.”
A neighbour looks over the fence and says:
“Why are you digging that big deep hole?”
“My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
“I'm really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,
“but why such a big deep hole for a goldfish?”
The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside your ****ing cat.”
A wife said to her hubby the doctor rang and wants you to attend an appointment tomorrow at 9 a.m with a ***** ,urine and a stool sample...no can do he said early start on a new job ...that's o.k she said I'll just drop in a pair of your pant's ....regards Turnpin😀
R
Rickster123
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
Official Sponsors of Plumbers Talk
Reply to the thread, titled "a monday pick me up contains adult humour" which is posted in UK Plumbers Forums on Plumbers Forums.
Similar plumbing topics
- Worcester Boiler broken
- Boiler Advice Forum
We recommend City Plumbing Supplies, BES, and Plumbing Superstore for all plumbing supplies.
