a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[on31ll]

there all on emails so tend to be a bit longer ! sorry for the people that struggle reading like tom !

 

[on31ll]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

 

[on31ll]

The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"

Susie says, "We need a computer"

Wendy says, "We need a car"

Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"

Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"

"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"

 

[on31ll]

i went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"

 

[on31ll]

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft c**t !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

 

[on31ll]

I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.

She said, "Have you got a nickname?"

"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"

"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled

"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"

 

[on31ll]

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what f******g hit it.

 

[on31ll]

The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"

I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.

 

[on31ll]

A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.

 

[on31ll]

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

She says that it makes here sleepy and her bum sore.

 

[on31ll]

these short enough for you tomlane ?

 

[on31ll]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.
Barmanasks, "What's wrong with Stout?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was ****ing skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

 

[on31ll]

A man approaches a young woman in a shop.
He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a fewminutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with **** like yours, she appears out of ****ing nowhere!"

 

[on31ll]

Julia Gillard has announced she intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

 

[on31ll]

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the ****ing field were you before you realised it was caught?"

 

[on31ll]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil

 

[on31ll]

Sky news report.
The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack

 

[on31ll]

a blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[on31ll]

Mr Camoron was at a Scottish school and asking the children the difference between the words accident and tragedy and there meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Camoron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"Incorrect," said Camoron. "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not", explained Camoron, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Camoron searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, little Joe raised his hand and said: "If a plane carrying you and Mr. Clogg and Mr. Milliban', was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic" exclaimed Camoron, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well", said Joe,

"it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either!"

 

[on31ll]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"