a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Dotty]

I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night.
She said to me, "Have you got a nickname?"
l said, "Yes, my mates call me 'The Sledge.'"
She giggled and said, "Is that because you're a smooth ride?"
l said, "No, it's because l always get pulled by dogs!!"

 

[Dotty]

Anne Summers has announced it's going to start selling a lager-flavoured gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their fannies, in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.

Campaigners have condemned the move, because of fears that it will lead to 24-hour minge drinking.......

 

[Dotty]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.

 

[Dotty]

Job interviews are so silly, they always ask the same mundane questions.

Like "Why are you naked?"

 

[Dotty]

Love that warm cosy feeling when you put clothes on straight out of the tumble dryer..

This woman in the laundrette is giving me some strange looks though..






Maybe its her dress....

 

[julesverne]

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He gets in bed next to his wife who,s reading. This is the pig I sleep with when you have an headache. The wife says I'll think you'll find that is a sheep. Man says I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep

 

[turnpin]

Went into a motorway service station picked up a can of cola a mars bar and a packet of cheese and onion....told the cashier only have a fifty pound note....she replied dont worry put the mars back back and we'll call it quits:wazzzup:

 

[Ermintrude]

Oz any response?

 

[kay-jay]

 

[oz-plumber]

Oz any response?

Yes,

The only place where we can buy pints is at those faux English and Irish Bars that are popping up all over the place.

So...any Aussie bloke that hangs around those places drinking pints is a poofter!!!

Hows that for a reply?

 

[Dotty]

The England football team visited a Sao Paolo orphanage this week.

"It's so sad to see their little faces with no hope at all" said Jose aged 6.

 

[Dotty]

A young man walks over to his father one day and asks if they could have a talk about sex. His father agrees and is eager to help his son with any questions he may have.

"Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" asked the son.

"Well son," answered the all knowing father. "A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."

"The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose."

"The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest french perfumes."

"The taste of a vagina, is sweeter than the purest nectar."

"All in all son, it`s like I said ,a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."

"Gee dad ,a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it."

A few moments of silence go by, then the boy asks another question.

"Dad, What does a vagina look like after sex?"

"Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"

 

[Dotty]

David Beckham says striker Wayne Rooney is essential to England's chances to win the World Cup because he "scares" opposition defences.




That's not nice, he can't help being ugly.

 

[Dotty]

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the van."

 

[Ray Stafford]

 

[mountainman]

Apparently jimmy saville is ****ed off !
He has been praying like **** for a young one to turn up and Rick mayall arrives ????

 

[Masood]

What the *&^%$????

 

[Masood]

 

[erpkid]

No no no no..................I now have to scoop out my eyeballs !

 

[erpkid]

BTW is he wearing those pants right?

 

[PlumbBobBob]

i don't know if he is wearing them right or not i just know they are plain wrong on every level

 

[kris]

There not for the sain

 

[erpkid]

This is more like it. A splash of colour and no anatomical nonsense

 

[Paulplumb]

[video]http://m.youtube.com/results?q=man+flying+beside+van&sm=3[/video]

thought this quite funny

* sorry can only seem to post link to video search results. It's the flyijg builder one

 

[Ermintrude]

 

[Masood]

There not for the sain

That's normal attire under a kilt, no? :devil2:

 

[kay-jay]

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1584736811751659&set=vb.100006460656099&type=2&theater

 

[kay-jay]

wtf? seriously wtf?

 

[clarky101]

Women gives birth....
.midwife says 'oooo, got good n bad news'
'lets have the bad news first' says women,
'sorry to say this but your baby is ginger'
' oh, better have the good news then'
' it's still born'.......

 

[kay-jay]

 

[CES]

Is it just me or are shop assistants getting ruder by the day ? I went into Xxxx sports shop on my way to work this morning to change my football top & the male assistant went crazy, what is it with you he screamed, 1st you came in to change your Italy top to a Uruguay top now you want to change the Uruguay top for a Costa Rica top, when will this end...?
I said Friday night probably...

 

[Dotty]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar enjoying a drink after a hard day working away from home.
“You know,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee bar called McManus’. The landlord there really knows how to look after the regulars. After you’ve bought 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.”
“Reminds me of my old local, the Black Horse,” said the Englishman, “the guvnor there always gave me my third drink free.”
“That’s nothing,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there’s O’Malley’s Bar. As soon as you get through the door they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had plenty of drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”
“Fantastic,” said the Englishman, “and this actually happened to you?”

“Not me, personally, no,” said the Irishman “but it happened to my sister!”

 

[Dotty]

The wife said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."
Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
We went out when England played.......

 

[mountainman]

When England come back from the world cup Roy has arranged a friendly against Iceland and if it goes well there will be further games with Asda and Tesco's

 

[SimonG]

Me & my missus favourite sexual position is called the ''England football team'' ! . . .
Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no
communication & we never make it past the 1st stage.
There's horrible dribbling & never a clean sheet.
Its over far too quickly & when it does end I know it'll be at least
another four ****in years before it happens again!