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a monday pick me up contains adult humour
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View the thread, titled "a monday pick me up contains adult humour" which is posted in UK Plumbers Forums on UK Plumbers Forums.
B
Barry98
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
This one seems familiar, but too many posts to check through now.
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun,
Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness,if she could help it, and do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?', asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he
said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?', said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old *******, said the old nun.
'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!'
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun,
Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness,if she could help it, and do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?', asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he
said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?', said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old *******, said the old nun.
'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!'
K
kay-jay
K
kay-jay
B
Barry98
Hehehe
B
Barry98
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and
sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the
airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the F*ck do you want?'
'Ah!' he says
"Ryanair".
sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the
airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the F*ck do you want?'
'Ah!' he says
"Ryanair".
B
Barry98
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
B
Barry98
A Beer is always wet, a woman is not..1 point for beer!
Beer is horrible, when it is hot..1 point for women!
A cold beer satisfies you..1 point for beer!
For a beer, you pay taxes..1 point for women!
If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry..1 point for beer!
You can always be sure that, you are the first one Opening a beer..1 point for beer!
If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself..1 point for beer!
You know exactly how much a beer costs..1 point for beer!
A beer does not have a mother..1 point for beer!
A Beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after having it..1 point for beer!
So the Score is...
Beer beats women
8 to 2
If you're a guy, enjoy this message..If you are a woman reading this and getting angry, know that a beer would never get angry..FINAL SCORE : 9 to 2
Beer is horrible, when it is hot..1 point for women!
A cold beer satisfies you..1 point for beer!
For a beer, you pay taxes..1 point for women!
If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry..1 point for beer!
You can always be sure that, you are the first one Opening a beer..1 point for beer!
If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself..1 point for beer!
You know exactly how much a beer costs..1 point for beer!
A beer does not have a mother..1 point for beer!
A Beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after having it..1 point for beer!
So the Score is...
Beer beats women
8 to 2
If you're a guy, enjoy this message..If you are a woman reading this and getting angry, know that a beer would never get angry..FINAL SCORE : 9 to 2
nickin that for fb bod
Fella chats up a nice looking girl in a pub and as the evening progresses asks if she would like to join him back at his place ..I'd love to but i'm on my monthly cycle ..no problem says he I,v got my honda fifty outside if I go slowly you can follow me!!!! regards turnpin
B
Barry98
January sales have been ****! Boots don't sell boots, Curries don't sell curries, Selfridges don't sell fridges, and as for Virgin Megastore
K
kay-jay
K
kay-jay
one for system to mull over.........
K
kay-jay
a snapshot into zeebedanks teenage years.....
P
Paulplumb
Just had this sent me apologies if it's been posted before
Dear Sir
On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.
Also for the charming photograph of your wife that you enclosed.
Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected,
I must point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".
Kind regards
Editor Channel Four
Dear Sir
On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.
Also for the charming photograph of your wife that you enclosed.
Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected,
I must point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".
Kind regards
Editor Channel Four
R
Ray Stafford
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of hot looking young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam over to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of hot looking young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam over to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.
R
Ray Stafford
R
Ray Stafford
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for."
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for."
P
Paulplumb
The man with the recent hand transplant has just been caught shoplifting in Tesco......... turns out the donor was a scouser !
M
Masood
A monkey, who was cleverer than the rest, discovered that if he used sticks and stones as tools, he could get far more food than with his bare hands. So, he got to thinking, and experimenting, and refining, until eventually he ended up with a four-point tool. Each point was designed for a particular job, be it getting honey from a hive without being stung, or pulling grubs out of tree bark. Monkey was very. very proud of his four-point tool, and became the envy of all the other monkeys.
One day, Monkey woke to find that his four-point tool was missing. Heartbroken and angry, he started searching for it. He looked high and low, in every nook and cranny, to no avail. He started interrogating the other animals, trying to find his beloved four-point tool.
After many days, he heard a rumour that a Jaguar had been seen near his tree on the day the four-point tool went missing. Monkey went off in search of Jaguar. Finally confronting him in a cave, Monkey demanded whether Jaguar knew of the whereabouts of his four-point tool. Jaguar, rather shamefacedly admitted that he'd eaten it. Monkey demanded to know why a Jaguar would eat a four-point tool. Jaguar replied, "I can't help it, it's in my nature - I'm a 4.2 litre Jaguar"...
One day, Monkey woke to find that his four-point tool was missing. Heartbroken and angry, he started searching for it. He looked high and low, in every nook and cranny, to no avail. He started interrogating the other animals, trying to find his beloved four-point tool.
After many days, he heard a rumour that a Jaguar had been seen near his tree on the day the four-point tool went missing. Monkey went off in search of Jaguar. Finally confronting him in a cave, Monkey demanded whether Jaguar knew of the whereabouts of his four-point tool. Jaguar, rather shamefacedly admitted that he'd eaten it. Monkey demanded to know why a Jaguar would eat a four-point tool. Jaguar replied, "I can't help it, it's in my nature - I'm a 4.2 litre Jaguar"...
K
kay-jay
paddy's wife has never had an ****** so the doctor diagnosed that she was overheating during sex so paddy gets his mate murphy round to waft a towel on them while they have sex. after 20 mins still no ****** so murphy suggests they swap "i'll shag her and you waft the towel paddy"
within seconds paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the most amazing ******. paddy turns to murphy and says
"that my friend is how you waft a towel":biggrin5:
within seconds paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the most amazing ******. paddy turns to murphy and says
"that my friend is how you waft a towel":biggrin5:
J
julesverne
Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen (Chatroulette Version) - YouTube
this made me laugh my **** off so much
could someone from the poowers that be delete the post above not sure what happened
this made me laugh my **** off so much
could someone from the poowers that be delete the post above not sure what happened
T
TomLane
T
TomLane
R
Ray Stafford
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone in a BMW would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Torch: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury service.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone in a BMW would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Torch: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury service.
J
julesverne
i think i'm going to hell for this one because i nearly pee'd myself laughing
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