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Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws
P
PlumbBobBob
- May 23, 2015
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B
Billy Bob Bob
My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week!
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week!
B
Billy Bob Bob
View attachment 26040
Can anyone make that into a thumbnail picture, don't know why it's gone like that
It's ok sorted now
Can anyone make that into a thumbnail picture, don't know why it's gone like that
It's ok sorted now
Last edited:
M
Masood
Sunday Sport headlines...
17 Sunday Sport headlines so ridiculous that you?ll chortle quite a bit actually | The Poke
Some absolute corkers!
17 Sunday Sport headlines so ridiculous that you?ll chortle quite a bit actually | The Poke
Some absolute corkers!
I laughed out loud at a couple of them.
' I know the difference between a cock and a sausage, and that was a cock... And it was on bonk! '
M
Masood
That reminded me of the Postman Pat some Irish blokes reworked the audio to Postman Patrick video clips. Not for kids though, -
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=__FpOhlzV7I
- May 23, 2015
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K
kay-jay
Now thats a freemasons jolly if ever i saw one!croppies been let out again and hes brought his friends
croppies been let out again and hes brought his friends
I'm off to norn Ireland on Sunday, I hope they've gone by then.
M
Masood
Man looses his testicles in a freak accident and the only thing available of the same size are some pickled onions so the surgeon patches him up and sends him an appointment for a check up three months later....how you getting along he asks...any side affects/problem's?.....the man replies only one problem I can't help but get a hard on when I pass a cheese sandwich.....lol regards Turnpin:rofl:
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M
Masood
D
Dotty
This will make you think twice the next time you believe it right that in some areas of the world it's easy to purchase a gun.
What follows is an actual photo of people being shot at close range.
Seeing people actually pulling the trigger on another human may not be your cup of tea.
Violence is a brutal event.
Most of us tend to sit back in our living rooms, view the barrage of information that comes across from the media and we become desensitised to the real gravity and danger of the world in which we live.
Please bear in mind that the victim has no means of protection.
Brutal, isn't it.
What follows is an actual photo of people being shot at close range.
Seeing people actually pulling the trigger on another human may not be your cup of tea.
Violence is a brutal event.
Most of us tend to sit back in our living rooms, view the barrage of information that comes across from the media and we become desensitised to the real gravity and danger of the world in which we live.
Please bear in mind that the victim has no means of protection.
Brutal, isn't it.
M
Masood
Those poor, dear girls. We should go over there immediately to be their personal bodyguards. I volunteer to body search them all for hidden weapons....
Careful! I think they are all carrying large pointy items on them.
So would Masood if went over to play bodyguard, I guess it wouldn't be a concealed weapon for very long.
D
Dotty
M
Masood
J
julesverne
The little boy had been looking out of the airplane's window.
He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy replied, "Yes, she did."
"Well," said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy replied, "Yes, she did."
"Well," said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
J
julesverne
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give more than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far bum kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
Its the Bull**** and bum Kissing will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give more than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far bum kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
Its the Bull**** and bum Kissing will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
J
julesverne
P
PlumbBobBob
J
julesverne
As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.
"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.
"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"
"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand about watching a woman make sandwiches."
"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.
"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"
"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand about watching a woman make sandwiches."
M
Masood
Some absolute belters here if you're after a new hairstyle!
12 deeply regrettable haircuts of our time | The Poke
12 deeply regrettable haircuts of our time | The Poke
B
Billy Bob Bob
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, 'Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?'
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees
so that he's on her level, and says, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ...
'I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk!!..
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees
so that he's on her level, and says, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ...
'I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk!!..
B
Billy Bob Bob
Two policeman knock on the door and ask the man who answers can he confirm if the lady in the photo is his wife......one of the policemen said I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus....to which the man replie's I know but she's got a cracking personality...... lol regards Turnpin:rofl:
A man was at the bar of a posh hotel getting himself a scotch when he accidentally elbowed a young lady in her breast oh my goodness I am so sorry he said but if your heart is as soft as your breast I hope you can forgive me.......she replied if your dick is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 202......lol regards Turnpin:rofl:
M
Masood
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
K
kay-jay
For sale
Mwb ford transit
120k miles
Good runner
Hardly any rusthttp://cloud.tapatalk.com/s/57d84bcc1c71f/FB_IMG_1473792848806.jpg?
Mwb ford transit
120k miles
Good runner
Hardly any rusthttp://cloud.tapatalk.com/s/57d84bcc1c71f/FB_IMG_1473792848806.jpg?
K
kay-jay
K
kay-jay
D
Dotty
- May 23, 2015
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- Heating Engineer (Has GSR)
Young fella go's into a chemist and ask's for a packet of condom's pay's and give the man behind the counter a big smile and laugh's as he leave's......this go's on for three day's....on the third day as he leave's the chemist say's to his assistant follow him and let me know where he go's......on his return the chemist say's well.....round your house came the reply......lol regards Turnpin:smilielol5:
- Dec 23, 2011
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- Business Name
- ATouchofgas
You can now get insurance for sex in the UK!
So make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-
Sex with your wife - Legal & General
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line
Sex with your partner - Standard Life
Sex with someone different - Go Compare
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than
Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability
Sex with an OAP - Saga
Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident
and finally
Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com
Make sure you are adequately covered! Or should that read make sure you adequately covered
So make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-
Sex with your wife - Legal & General
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line
Sex with your partner - Standard Life
Sex with someone different - Go Compare
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than
Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability
Sex with an OAP - Saga
Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident
and finally
Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com
Make sure you are adequately covered! Or should that read make sure you adequately covered
M
Masood
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic..
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
An Arse Hole is usually in charge!!!
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic..
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
An Arse Hole is usually in charge!!!
Perhaps it should say .....Good but no cigar..lol regards Turnpin:sifone:
B
Billy Bob Bob
Purposeful photo ?Wonder how many of you will click on enlarge picture qBeauty Removable Waterproof Temporary Tattoo Butterfly Tattoo Body Art Sticker | eBay
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