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a monday pick me up contains adult humour
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View the thread, titled "a monday pick me up contains adult humour" which is posted in UK Plumbers Forums on UK Plumbers Forums.
B
Billy Bob Bob
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call
Brilliant
B
Barry98
REALLY your making it too easy
P
PlumbBobBob
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said . . .
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
A spokesman for the channel said . . .
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
going on FB
R
Ray Stafford
Great picture. Brilliant caption.
And know I know what MickW does all day in his office, since he forwarded it to me...
And know I know what MickW does all day in his office, since he forwarded it to me...
B
Bunker
My laptop's been playing up, when Windows boots up it plays the Bond theme 'Sky fall '....
Found the problem it’s a DELL
Found the problem it’s a DELL
Mods Please remove the offensive half of the image, never could stand Homer Simpson 🙂
B
Billy Bob Bob
scouse weather forecast [video=youtube;FNiIbpRXUtM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNiIbpRXUtM[/video]
T
TomLane
Amazing!
B
Bunker
Top tip for customer service: Farting into a vacuum cleaner does help dilute the smell. Saves alot of embarrassing moments. Just be careful of nozzle placement especially if wearing thin trousers.
B
Billy Bob Bob
A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to a D-I-Y shop
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to a DIY shop to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing.
Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite aftershave because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane, and you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.
Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror.
Still got it.
Add a shot of your favorite aftershave to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing.
Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute aftershave is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to B&Q.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing.
Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing.
No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes.
The mirror was ****tered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing.
Wait to go to B&Q until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing.
Start again.
Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to B&Q.
Go to Asda instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a DIY ?
Something for my garden?
Where am I?
Who am I?
Why am I reading this?
Did I send it?
Did you?
this is getting too close to the truth!
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to a DIY shop to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing.
Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite aftershave because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane, and you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.
Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror.
Still got it.
Add a shot of your favorite aftershave to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing.
Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute aftershave is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to B&Q.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing.
Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing.
No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes.
The mirror was ****tered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing.
Wait to go to B&Q until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing.
Start again.
Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to B&Q.
Go to Asda instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a DIY ?
Something for my garden?
Where am I?
Who am I?
Why am I reading this?
Did I send it?
Did you?
this is getting too close to the truth!
B
Bunker
Hi chaps, really need your advice for serious problem!
I suspected for some time now that the misses has been cheating, The usual signs; phone rings, if l answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep due to working all hours. Anyway last night about midnight i hid in the garage by my motorbike, when she came home she got out of someones car, she was buttoning up her blouse and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched next to the bike l noticed it... a hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket.. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
I suspected for some time now that the misses has been cheating, The usual signs; phone rings, if l answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep due to working all hours. Anyway last night about midnight i hid in the garage by my motorbike, when she came home she got out of someones car, she was buttoning up her blouse and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched next to the bike l noticed it... a hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket.. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
Fella go,s for a job as a handyman advertised with the criteria "must have keen sense of smell" when he arrive's he meet's the man advertising the job bent as anine bob note I must put a blindfold on you and test your sense of smell he said...what can you smell ...easy the chap say's that's a lemon ......what can you smell now ...strawberry jam....then the light's go out for the chap who wake's up on the bed with his head spinning....where am I ?...what happened? .....what was the last thing you remember smelling?....chloroform I think...yeah say's the prospective employer make's your rse feel sore dosent it........regards turnpin:yes:
K
kay-jay
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
P
PlumbBobBob
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy told me last year, that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.
Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy told me last year, that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.
Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
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