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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

View the thread, titled "a monday pick me up contains adult humour" which is posted in UK Plumbers Forums on UK Plumbers Forums.

ImageUploadedByTapatalk1375452232.510178.jpg
 
" G'day mate, Fosters Helpline .....
What's the problem mate?"


" Hi Guys, Im in Australia with the girl friend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet,
and now her Fanny has completely closed up"


"Bummer Mate....."


"Thanks Guys, that's what I thought too.
Bye..."
 
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
I don't think it's fair that Babestation are only allowed to show boobs late at night: BBC Parliament are allowed to show knobs all day.




"Every time I see you, you have a beer can in your hand. Are you becoming an alcoholic?!" screamed the missus.


I just told her yes, because it was much easier than admitting to her that last week my mate Dave dared me to glue it to my hand just to see what would happen.






"Hi, I'm Jane," she said.


"I'm Christopher," I replied, "but everyone calls me Dick for short."


"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.


"You ask nicely," I said.
 
BOD said:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Click to expand...
Classic ....Turnpin
 
[h=5]Retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to docks once more for old times sake.He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's going at it as best he can for a guy his age.

The old sailor asks "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies "Well Sailor you're doingabout 3 knots."

"3 knots?" he replies, "Whats that supposed to mean?"

She says "Your knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your f**kin money back"[/h]
 
[h=5]A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.

'Not a chance' says the husband 'It's three o'clock in the morning!' He closes the door and returns to bed.

'Who was it?' asks his wife.

'Just a stranger asking for a push' he answers.

'Did you help him? she asks.

'No I didn't, it's three in the morning'

'Well you've got a short memory' says his wife, 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.'

The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes', comes the answer.

'Do you still want a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband

'Over here on the swing' the man replies.[/h]
 
My wife and I seem to have different views on why are sex life has fizzled.

For instance, she bought me ****** and I bought her a gym membership.
 
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid that there might be something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist, so she did.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."

So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem velly bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."
 
I was in a bar with my mate Dave last night when we noticed a group of fit girls sat in the corner.

So, without any hesitation at all, we started dancing near them.

After about 10 minutes I wiped the sweat off my forehead and said, "Dave, I don't think this is working."

"Me neither," he replied breathlessly, "Perhaps we could do with some music."
 
Paddy go's to a brothel keen to try 69 what his workmates keep going on about after a minute the brass lets out a small fart sorry about that and they continue a few minutes later she does the same thats it I'm off he roars ....why so Paddy ...I can't be doing with another 67 of those....... regards Turnpin
 
A father was passing by his son's bedroom was surprised to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up and tidy. Then he noticed an envelope sitting on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' Fearing the worst he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I've eloped with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and my mum. I am in love with Stacy and she is so nice but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and also the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only because i love her with a passion...Dad, she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy together and will get by ok.
She has a caravan in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad, I might only still be 15 but I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your Son
Johnny

P.S. - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Bill's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the exam results that are in my desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
 
Two old women were sitting outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the old dears pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The other lady asked, "What's that?" "A condom," the lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked. "You can get them at any chemists."

The next day, the second lady hobbled herself down to the local chemist and asked the pharmacist for a box of condoms.
The guy looked at the 80 year old and thought it strange but politely asked what brand she would like.

"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel!"
 
The police pulled over a car being driven by a black male aged about 21. He had full tax, insurance & MOT, wasn't driving erratically or under the influence of drink or drugs.. There were no firearms or offensive weapons in the car and the car wasn't stolen.

They fined him £60 for wasting police time
 

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