a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Dotty]

My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation.

After three days the water ran out and started drinking my own urine. After another three days I could no longer recycle my wee and realised I was out of options and had to accept the inevitable.

So I opened some of the Fosters I was delivering.

 

[Dotty]

The wife caught me wanking and said "Who are you thinking about when you feel the need to do THAT?"

I lied and said "Jennifer Aniston"

Now she hates Jennifer Aniston.

I guess it's better than her hating her 18 year old sister

 

[Dotty]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Wonderful!"

Being the 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the hell, I'll treat her."

... So they walked past it again.

 

[Dotty]

I was hit hard when I found out about the death of my mother-in-law.

My wife slapped me for giggling.

 

[dancinplumba]

a System3 supporter ? xx

 

[villa_tom]

Just bought a cucumber from Tesco.


Turns out it's a horse's cock.

 

[villa_tom]

Never mind horses in lasagne,


I think I've found Heather Mills missing leg in my Linda McCartney sausages.

 

[Howsie]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Don't Fart in Harrods
A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well as cool as a
cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a
professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow
missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this
lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to **** yourself when I tell you the price!"

 

[dancinplumba]

gis a job 🙂

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

so true

 

[kay-jay]

more problems for tesco this morning as it is revealed that traces of wheelchair have been found in the vegetable soup!

 

[Keefy]

I was just thinking, today is Valentines Day. I was also thinking my pillow over the missus' face for 10 minutes would save me a trip to the shop to buy a card.

 

[Barry98]

Lmao.

 

[SimonG]

Just heard about oscar pistorius shooting his girl friend dead. From the way the news was portraying it, I don't think he's hot a leg to stand on.

 

[SimonG]

Flaming recession.

Even God is having to make cutbacks.

 

[SimonG]

Paddy and Murphy are in the pub and Paddy turns to Murphy, 'Did you see the news earlier? Three cliff walkers died this morning'. 'Get away with ya Paddy, three people with the same name all died this morning!'

 

[Resolute]

Roses are Red,
Violets are glorious,
Never sneak up
On Oscar Pistorious!

 

[Keefy]

Just heard about oscar pistorius shooting his girl friend dead. From the way the news was portraying it, I don't think he's hot a leg to stand on.

The police initially thought he was running around with two blades but turns out he had a gun.

 

[Dotty]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You bought me shoes
I'm going to shoot you pig

A poem by oscar pistorius

 

[gavinwilson]

What's blue and full of haribo?


Kevin Webster's overalls.

 

[SimonG]

Whats black and bushy and found down schoolgirls knickers?

Kevin Websters moustache.

 

[Dotty]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

“If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't.

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

 

[dancinplumba]

A sweet tale

 

[Howsie]

My wife called me a freak for being so obsessed with blow jobs.

Boy did I give her a mouthful.

 

[Howsie]

Breaking News: Asteroid collides with news satellite

 

[Howsie]

My mrs is marvellous. She deserves an Oscar.

 

[turnpin]

A small guy is put in prison and finds he is to share a cell with the biggest ugliest con you have ever seen ....I'm the Daddy of this wing but I'm fair tell you what I'm going for a pee and when I come back we will have a game of mummy's and Daddy's and to show you how fair I am you can choose who you want to be ...the small guy decides to be the Daddy I'm not going to have him stuck up me he think's to himself ..just then the con returned ..well what's it to be..I'll be the Daddy..o.k get over here and suck mummy's dick....regards turnpin😀

 

[Dotty]

What's the difference between a woman and a goat?




Quite a lot according to the judge.

 

[Barry98]

oscar pistorius has bee released without charge , over the shooting his girl friend new evidence has come to light proving it couldn't possibly of been him

a police spokesmen statement read found at the scene "footprints"

 

[Keefy]

oscar pistorius has bee released without charge , over the shooting his girl friend new evidence has come to light proving it couldn't possibly of been him

a police spokesmen statement read found at the scene "footprints"

Columbo would solve this case.

 

[Barry98]

Collection only

 

[Howsie]

I managed to make my wife squirt last night.

I reversed over her in my van.

 

[Howsie]

New revelations in the Oscar Pistorius case. Police found a cricket bat covered in blood on the scene!

And a pair of stumps.