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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

View the thread, titled "a monday pick me up contains adult humour" which is posted in UK Plumbers Forums on UK Plumbers Forums.

Japanese couple having an argument ....

Husband says "Sukitaki !"

Wife replies "Kowanini !"

Husband says "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo !"

Wife on her knees begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji !"

Husband replies angrily "Kina tim kouji !"

And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese ....

You daft bugger!!!
 
The other night I went out with the lads.

I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with her.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'... She didn't seem upset in the least. Phew, I got away with that one!

Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!"
 
As my mother in law's coffin got lowered into the ground at her funeral the vicar asked us all to throw something in that we would like her to take to the grave with her.

It took my wife 20 minutes to climb back out.
 
I dropped my son off for his first day at school earlier when the mother beside me started crying.

"Are you ok?" I asked.

"Its my daughter's first day," she sobbed. "I'm just a little worried that she won't fit in because of her weight."

"Well the doors are a little narrow," I replied.
 
I said to my mate, "I started rubbing my wife's clitoris last night and she went mental."

He said, "Wasn't she in the mood?"

I said, "I think it was because I'd used a wire brush!"
 
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, "What's going on?"

"You tell me?" replied my wife.

I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."

"A stranger, hey?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"

I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
 
One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little *****. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."
 
A fella take`s a girl home back to her parents house shhhhh she say`s be quite Mum and Dad are in bed asleep and I don`t want you waking them after a kiss and a fumble He say`s I`m busting to use the loo oh no she say`s toilet upstair`s next to their room you will have to use the kitchen sink after a few minute`s she say`s are you O.K sure he replies where do they keep the toilet roll.....regards turnpin:tongue3:
 
Help! Has anyone got a phone number for the Ghostbusters? I think I may have a poltergeist.

I came in from work early and I heard my wife screaming, "Oh my God! Oh my God!"

I quickly ran upstairs and she was covered head to foot in ectoplasm and the wardrobe doors wouldn't stop trembling...
 
......
 

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THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying **** while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers on route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job on-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Another Blow job
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally)
6:45 ****, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of ****
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
 
... A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

LOL LOL :smile:
 
A 24 second fart with no follow through, highly unlikely. The rest of it sounds perfectly feasible.
 
I know it's disgusting, but I just had to show my wife the biggest **** I've ever done.

"Tom!" she shrieked. "Take it back to the toilet".
 
A woman is stood at the top of a cliff, she's just about to jump off as this tramp walks past.
'You gonna kill yourself?' he asks.
'Yes I am, now go away' she replies.
'Well' he says, 'If you're gonna kill yourself, can we have sex first?'
'No we can't, you disgusting creep!' she shouts.

'Well that's alright then' he responds, 'I'll go and wait for you at the bottom!'
 
SimonG said:
A woman is stood at the top of a cliff, she's just about to jump off as this tramp walks past.
'You gonna kill yourself?' he asks.
'Yes I am, now go away' she replies.
'Well' he says, 'If you're gonna kill yourself, can we have sex first?'
'No we can't, you disgusting creep!' she shouts.

'Well that's alright then' he responds, 'I'll go and wait for you at the bottom!'
Click to expand...

I got texted that today🙂
Was just about to post it myself lol
 
My wife arrived back from her driving test today."So," I asked excitedly,"how did you get on?" "Not good," she replied."He failed me!" "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically."It can't be that bad,what did he pull you up on?" "A rope," she replied."The car's still at the bottom of the river."
 

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