a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Dotty]

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, "What's going on?"

"You tell me?" replied my wife.

I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."

"A stranger, hey?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"

I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"

 

[Dotty]

One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little *****. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

 

[turnpin]

A fella take`s a girl home back to her parents house shhhhh she say`s be quite Mum and Dad are in bed asleep and I don`t want you waking them after a kiss and a fumble He say`s I`m busting to use the loo oh no she say`s toilet upstair`s next to their room you will have to use the kitchen sink after a few minute`s she say`s are you O.K sure he replies where do they keep the toilet roll.....regards turnpin:tongue3:

 

[Dotty]

Help! Has anyone got a phone number for the Ghostbusters? I think I may have a poltergeist.

I came in from work early and I heard my wife screaming, "Oh my God! Oh my God!"

I quickly ran upstairs and she was covered head to foot in ectoplasm and the wardrobe doors wouldn't stop trembling...

 

[villa_tom]

......

 

[villa_tom]

.....
p

 

[Masood]

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pView attachment 12293

I wnat one!

 

[SafeGasInstall]

cant even spell quality lmao

Welcome to my world 🙂 lol

 

[villa_tom]

Welcome to my world 🙂 lol

This is your second language, so we will let you off 🙂 plus you speak better English than most people on Jeremy Kyle 🙂

 

[SafeGasInstall]

This is your second language, so we will let you off 🙂 plus you speak better English than most people on Jeremy Kyle 🙂

i am afraid its not my second language ....its actually my third

 

[SafeGasInstall]

This is your second language, so we will let you off 🙂 plus you speak better English than most people on Jeremy Kyle 🙂

you like the big man JK ?🙂

 

[Leo21]

i am afraid its not my second language ....its actually my third

What's your second language then Stan?

 

[villa_tom]

i am afraid its not my second language ....its actually my third

You are just showing off now 🙂

 

[villa_tom]

you like the big man JK ?🙂

Not a chance 🙂

when I was laid off in 2010 I had 6 weeks off between jobs and had never watched it till then, never again though, makes me ashamed to be English :-(

 

[julesverne]

good old prince phil

 

[Barry98]

O dear

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying **** while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers on route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job on-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Another Blow job
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally)
6:45 ****, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of ****
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

what castle? i cant see one

 

[dontknowitall]

... A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

LOL LOL :smile:

 

[Leo21]

A 24 second fart with no follow through, highly unlikely. The rest of it sounds perfectly feasible.