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- Thread starter Barry98
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A woman is stood at the top of a cliff, she's just about to jump off as this tramp walks past.
'You gonna kill yourself?' he asks.
'Yes I am, now go away' she replies.
'Well' he says, 'If you're gonna kill yourself, can we have sex first?'
'No we can't, you disgusting creep!' she shouts.
'Well that's alright then' he responds, 'I'll go and wait for you at the bottom!'
'You gonna kill yourself?' he asks.
'Yes I am, now go away' she replies.
'Well' he says, 'If you're gonna kill yourself, can we have sex first?'
'No we can't, you disgusting creep!' she shouts.
'Well that's alright then' he responds, 'I'll go and wait for you at the bottom!'
K
kay-jay
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Dotty
My wife arrived back from her driving test today."So," I asked excitedly,"how did you get on?" "Not good," she replied."He failed me!" "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically."It can't be that bad,what did he pull you up on?" "A rope," she replied."The car's still at the bottom of the river."
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Dotty
Paddy's in Hospital with his feet bandaged up when Mick comes to visit him.
"What the hell happened to you Paddy?" Asks Mick.
"Ooh,it's that bloody Asda again," he says."I bought a sponge pudding for my tea last night and it said,pierce the tin,then stand in boiling water for 15 mins."
"What the hell happened to you Paddy?" Asks Mick.
"Ooh,it's that bloody Asda again," he says."I bought a sponge pudding for my tea last night and it said,pierce the tin,then stand in boiling water for 15 mins."
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Dotty
A friend of mine burned to death when his barber shop was set on fire.
He could have escaped, but he was always told not to run with scissors.
He could have escaped, but he was always told not to run with scissors.
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Dotty
My wife ended up moaning really loud this morning after I got her really wet.
That's the third time in a week I've piddled the bed
That's the third time in a week I've piddled the bed
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Dotty
I was driving along when I saw my old teacher so I pulled up alongside her.
"Croppie, is that you? I remember you were such an intense child we joked you'd either be a serial killer or a famous actor! What are you doing these days?"
"Have you ever seen me in Coronation Street, Eastenders or Casualty?" I asked her.
"Not that I remember."
"So get in the effing van and shut up."
"Croppie, is that you? I remember you were such an intense child we joked you'd either be a serial killer or a famous actor! What are you doing these days?"
"Have you ever seen me in Coronation Street, Eastenders or Casualty?" I asked her.
"Not that I remember."
"So get in the effing van and shut up."
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Dotty
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't ********** often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a w@nker then!"
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't ********** often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a w@nker then!"
Fella go`s into a chemist and whisper`s to the pretty young thing behind the counter I would like to buy some condom`s
She say`s what size ? I`m not sure well go out into the back yard and try the hole`s in the fence there are three size`s
Small ...Medium and ******* liar.So he go`s outside and returns medium he say`s we have a special offer on the more you buy the more you save better let me have 99 he said ...fcuk me she said ...oh go on then make it a hundred then..regards turnpin:cool3:
She say`s what size ? I`m not sure well go out into the back yard and try the hole`s in the fence there are three size`s
Small ...Medium and ******* liar.So he go`s outside and returns medium he say`s we have a special offer on the more you buy the more you save better let me have 99 he said ...fcuk me she said ...oh go on then make it a hundred then..regards turnpin:cool3:
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dontknowitall
lol, Turnpin. Reminds me of one:
Father goes into chemist with 19 year old son. Condoms in packets of 3, 6 and 12. "Why the different sizes, Dad?"
"Ah. 3. For your age. One for Friday, one for Saturday, one for Sunday. 6. For when you're a bit older. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, two for Sunday."
"What's 12 for?!!!"
"Ah. When you're married .... one for January, one for February ..."
Father goes into chemist with 19 year old son. Condoms in packets of 3, 6 and 12. "Why the different sizes, Dad?"
"Ah. 3. For your age. One for Friday, one for Saturday, one for Sunday. 6. For when you're a bit older. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, two for Sunday."
"What's 12 for?!!!"
"Ah. When you're married .... one for January, one for February ..."
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