things a gas engineer / plumber would never say

[Mikey456]

thank Gawd, I thought it was just me!

We're only human, its allowed. Best one i ever had was going round the rooms to bleed the radiators youngish girl probably about 23ish had black leggings on and said "oh do you want me to bleed that one?, yeah go for it" because it was behind the bed jumped up on the bed with her arse facing me, seen straight through the leggings nearly collapsed as she was mega fit! hahah

 

[CES]

British gas service contract? Yeah, I would go for it mate, lets face it I could never live up to the great service they provide for that amount each month, in fact I would go for the whole system care, cos in this day & age, you never know..

 

[Dotty]

We're only human, its allowed. Best one i ever had was going round the rooms to bleed the radiators youngish girl probably about 23ish had black leggings on and said "oh do you want me to bleed that one?, yeah go for it" because it was behind the bed jumped up on the bed with her arse facing me, seen straight through the leggings nearly collapsed as she was mega fit! hahah

I think I'd have to go sit in the van till I stopped shaking!

 

[unguided1]

Yeah I always use me lighter to look for gas leaks (for those who dont know me I use me rottenburger with mapp gas as a *** lighter)

 

[SimonG]

I'm sorry Mrs Smith I'll be about an hour late, I'm just completing my 'we do trades' application on the web!

 

[Deleted member 7121]

Hi just poped round from next door seen you were working here, i have a B & Q flex outside tap kit that,s leaking could you change it to a copper pipe and i will give you a tenner!!!!

 

[Barry98]

you want me to give you a hand mrs smith save the batteries in that thing

 

[SimonG]

Hi just poped round from next door seen you were working here, i have a B & Q flex outside tap kit that,s leaking could you change it to a copper pipe and i will give you a tenner!!!!

Not a problem! There'll probably be some change as well!

 

[Mikey456]

I think I'd have to go sit in the van till I stopped shaking!

Lucky i didnt feint onto the floor behind her! Coulda of been problems if i fell face first into her rse

 

[REDSAW]

I think I'd have to go sit in the van till I stopped shaking!

really?.

what was you shaking croppie.lol.lol.

 

[SafeGasInstall]

it does not tell sit in the van .....front or in the back 🙂🙂🙂

 

[Dotty]

really?.

what was you shaking croppie.lol.lol.

hehehehehehehehehehehehe

 

[benfisher]

"No Mrs Smith, i think you've got the wrong end of the stick, matt allwright works for me in my marketing & promotions department"

 

[Barry98]

this happend today

scuse me mate any chance i could borrow that drill when you've finished so i can put a hole through my wall for the tumble dryer save sticking it through window.

best bit is he lived about 3 doors away from where i was working cheeky sod

 

[quality]

this happend today

scuse me mate any chance i could borrow that drill when you've finished so i can put a hole through my wall for the tumble dryer save sticking it through window.

best bit is he lived about 3 doors away from where i was working cheeky sod

Yen no problem I will do it for you when I wrap up here

 

[GQuigley67]

hahahahahahaha some people have no shame

 

[kay-jay]

postdated cheque...sure no problem

 

[WHPES]

Yes no problem i can fit your bathroom stuff /boiler you bought second hand off Ebay.

I get all my gear off the car boot sale

Sure you can still use the sink whilst I am fixing the trap.

Blocked toilet - you should go and see a doctor before you call the plumber

Is that bathroom suite supposed to be that cream colour or has it just not been cleaned for years?

Yes Mrs B, there seems to be a bad smell coming from the drain, oh wait perhaps you should try using the shower more often.

Don't know if the bath will take the weight of 3 people.

Wait I'll just go and get my dust cloth to put on your carpet to keep my overalls clean.

Yes love, you just go and have yourself a shower and I'l check there are no leaks from it.

 

[GQuigley67]

put some clothes on damn you !! your scaring my apprentice

 

[leelister6]

"The customer is always right" Mmmmmmmmmm!

 

[secret squirrel]

I'm sure it was working before I got here.....

 

[plumberdarren]

No its Fine mrs, i dont mind waiting an extra hour while you 'pop' to the cash point ! (they know your coming , they know the price beforehand but never have the money ready grrrr)

 

[mjt]

yes mrs smith that compression joint is supposed to leak!!!

 

[GQuigley67]

mrs smith which way do i wrap this ptfe around this thread ?

 

[WHPES]

No love, barrier cream isn't for preventing unwanted pregnancies.

Hey man, d'y want some hemp?

 

[dontknowitall]

When did you last see your toes?

 

[WHPES]

I need to go and get you a strap-on

[boss]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

When did you last see your toes?

lol i dont think the toilet you bought from b=q is designed for zoo animals madam you must weigh at least 30 stone you fat git

 

[dontknowitall]

Is that buzzing your phone?

 

[REDSAW]

no sir, i dont mind at all that someone else installed your cooker this sunday morning. i wouldnt expect you to waste your money phoning to let me know, anyways, i pass this way once a year on the way to my holidays.

 

[dontknowitall]

Something I did say ...

I was working with another plumber recently (brilliant plumber and much, much better than me I hasten to add). He was chatting to customer and I heard the customer ask, "How often, say out of 10 boilers, when you install a boiler, does it go wrong?" Before the poor chap could answer I shouted, "EVERY TIME!"

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Something I did say ...

I was working with another plumber recently (brilliant plumber and much, much better than me I hasten to add). He was chatting to customer and I heard the customer ask, "How often, say out of 10 boilers, when you install a boiler, does it go wrong?" Before the poor chap could answer I shouted, "EVERY TIME!"

you should have said never .........except yours

 

[jhon lennon]

no i would prefer a cheque

 

[bantamgas]

I'm just surprised at the amount of customers called Smith.......i've not worked for anything called Smith yet.

 

[jhon lennon]

no love ive just had a brew and cake

 

[jhon lennon]

its ok leave him in i love big dogs

 

[jhon lennon]

i usually start at 730 in the morning and stay till the job is done

 

[jhon lennon]

thought you were a copper when i saw the uniform in the wardrobe but whats the whip for

 

[jhon lennon]

no you cant have a shower whilst ime working in the bathroom love you might get me soapy and wet

 

[jhon lennon]

can you both go and try your new underwear on in another room while i work in hear ladies

 

[scotty plumber]

I just brushed my mess in to that hole in your floor as i could not be bothered going to get my dust-pan!

 

[scotty plumber]

Doe's it really matter if your shower is faulty as i don't think you use it very often?

 

[scotty plumber]

When i asked if i could borrow your hoover that was actually a hint for you to say ( Oh don't worry about that as il do it myself! )

 

[jhon lennon]

dont worry if u nip off to the shops i will wait if your not in

 

[jhon lennon]

that stain on the ceiling wasnt there befour

 

[jhon lennon]

its ok i have change for a fiver

 

[jhon lennon]

that banging noise from your boiler is nothing to worry about

 

[jhon lennon]

last time i saw your cat was just be four i put back the floorboards

 

[jhon lennon]

if you smell gas close all doors and windows and have a ciggie

 

[jhon lennon]

whoops i added up wrong i think ive overcharged you

 

[jhon lennon]

them ravenheat boilers are great

 

[scotty plumber]

See when i told you i was away to nip to the van to get a couple of bend's i was actually calling my plumber mate as i did not have a clue what i was doing!!

 

[GQuigley67]

have you got a waterfall feature in your living room ?

 

[quality]

No problem I will supply the parts and you can fit them yourself

 

[Destroyer2813]

Do you mind if i keep my shoes on and wear this mask cos your houses is minging and stinks and i"ll wipe my feet on the way out

 

[Rickster123]

Of course I'll come out of the bathroom so you can have a dump!

 

[AlexGas]

Come Plumb with Me.

 

[SimonJohns]

Yes no prolbem I will install this heap line for you and give you a warranty on it. Btw if you make it cash it will be cheaper too

 

[SafeGasInstall]

I am on £50k a year 🙂

 

[GQuigley67]

give me your clothes your boots and your motorcylce

 

[fuzzy]

i haven't had a major leak for days

 

[John_]

... I smell it too but don't worry about it, gas is not toxic.

 

[John_]

Sorry for flooding your house .... Forgotten the decorate cap on your TRV. My bad. :-( I will mop it up for free.

 

[John_]

Please don't hate me.

 

[John_]

"that was quick!" ... Yes when u know how to ..... that will be 100 quid please.

 

[dancinplumba]

put your boiler in and here's your groceries love....

 

[John_]

Of course I will sign your mate's work. That's what I am here for.

 

[John_]

... Of course I wont be the first to use your brand new wc pan .... The honour is yours.

 

[Pipes Plumbing]

Wow, these cheap IKEA traps you've bought are amazing...
No, no seriously I LOVE fighting with them for ages to stop them leaking because you are too tight to buy fittings that do what they are meant to.

 

[WaterTight]

I am Colonel Chicken-Cricket of The United States Sex Machines. Relinquish control of your bowels or face the wrath of my exploding trousers.

 

[Mike Jackson]

Wow a Chaffoteaux, my favourite boiler.

 

[Barry98]

course you can have your money back

 

[dontknowitall]

I wouldn't dream of using your vacuum. I'll get mine from the van.

 

[Puddle]

No problem,I will work round the tiler,electrician and kitchen fitter

 

[GQuigley67]

i wouldnt go in that toilet for a while, i just done a massive dump and as you know the water is off

 

[PlumbBobBob]

of course i can come today to fit your new bathroom suite, and as it's my birthday i'll do it for nothing

 

[Barry98]

no i dont mind you ringing me at 3 in the morning

 

[fuzzy]

i work nights

 

[quality]

No don't remove that cover on your vent because you boiler has an open flue it does not need it

 

[PlumbBobBob]

of course i'll talk you through how to fix your boiler over the phone

 

[kay-jay]

sorry love, i just don't have a clue, how about i just keep swapping parts til it fires up again?

 

[GQuigley67]

have you seen my baseball ?

 

[Barry98]

can i have my ball back mrs

 

[John_]

Hey, I am on holiday, but don't worry I will fly back now, my wife and kids won't mind. It is an emergency after all and I am the only plumber on this planet.

 

[Destroyer2813]

I would hoover up after myself but i dont see the point looking at the rest of the house

 

[Roger Welton]

Yes even though you've not offered all day I'd love a cuppa and a chat now I've :-

A)just started filling the system again
B) just about to leave

 

[drummer]

its not a leak on your bathroom rad. your husband needs to aim straight

 

[yourplumbing]

"Pay me when you can" "It can't be done"

 

[dontknowitall]

"Have you turned it off then on again?"

 

[petercj]

If you are working for BG .... "You don't need a power flush!"

and ... "Parts are available for your boiler!"

and ... "I won't bother with the Service, I'll just do a gas check!"

 

[Ray Stafford]

I like to pay my merchant early - because I love doing paperwork.

 

[petercj]

"Sorry, I never accept cash!"

 

[Keefy]

"Registered? Of course, here's my ACOPS card."

 

[lame plumber]

No No thats fine, I really love dogs, especially when I've got my head in a cupboard looking for your bloody filling loop and he starts to lick MY BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and no I really dont need an ambulance to deal with that massive cut in my forehead, that must have appeared just before I screamed a little while back before I blacked out!!!

Based on a true story!!! No names mentioned

 

[super plumb]

oh yeah,the Sime ecocomfort 30 combi is a great boiler.It will give you years of trouble free central heating and hot water.!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Whl4852]

Ravenheat? Yeah there brilliant boilers.

 

[lame plumber]

No of course I dont mind parking all the way down the road cos u cant be assed to move your car into your drive another 40 feet!!!!!!!1

 

[Keefy]

"I get really lonely working alone, can you stand over me and tell me how you used to be an engineer?"

 

[lame plumber]

oh its a basin, thought it was a urinal!

 

[Keefy]

"I've fixed the tap but your toilet is blocked, and you're out of toilet paper."