things a gas engineer / plumber would never say

[Barry98]

things a gas engineer / plumber would never say to a customer.............

nabbed this from the sparky forums , its based on mock the week

ill start


"yea sure you put your new boiler in and ill sign it off for you for £20"

 

[villa_tom]

"you want an Ideal Isar sir?, I don't blame you its a cracking boiler"

 

[Barry98]

Tell you what dear you pay me what you think its worth and i will be happy with that!

 

[truemanufan]

Yes love we do give be nectar points

 

[Barry98]

have you got any plain biscuits , im on a diet

 

[Barry98]

leave my 60k a year , company car , phone ,pension plan and go back to my office job . dont think so

 

[diamondgas]

I left that leak!😎

 

[dontknowitall]

Buy an oil boiler - they're much more reliable.

 

[Dannypipe]

Of course I'll be there on time.

 

[quality]

That would be a great help "if your husband could give me hand"

 

[Barry98]

no am not going through your nicker draw , im looking for the stopcock

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

its free

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

yes the ideal icos is a very reliable boiler

 

[Barry98]

ill put the cling film back when ive finished

 

[unguided1]

these are my two labourers Moses to part the floods and Noah to build the Ark to get home

 

[diamondgas]

I'll won't look down your top whilst you bend over to sign this madam!

 

[leelister6]

Yeh, them polish lads do a crackin job!

 

[unguided1]

quick wheres yer umbrella!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[SimonG]

Only a ten minute job!, I could fix it twice in that time 🙂

 

[kay-jay]

yes mrs smith i would love to fit your b+q bathroom

 

[Barry98]

no i get all my bits from B & Q



course ill fit your second hand boiler and if it does not work after ive spent a day putting it in theres no charge

 

[kay-jay]

oh yes i'd love to hear your life story while i work

 

[kay-jay]

of course i respect my apprentice

 

[GQuigley67]

would you mind watching over my shoulder and ask all your curious questions while I work ? it helps me relax

 

[moogwai]

No cash thanks....I prefer a cheque.

Sent from my Desire HD using Tapatalk

 

[leelister6]

Yes love, i'll look at half a dozen other jobs for nowt "While i'm here"

 

[leelister6]

Yes, I get 60% off at the supplier and i'll pass that right along to you

 

[SimonG]

Course I can tape the hoover to my drill when I'm drilling holes.

Course I do interest free credit, just call me mr brightside

 

[unguided1]

No thanks I dont drink tea!!!!

 

[leelister6]

Is there any chance your husband could take all this old copper to the tip for me?!

 

[unguided1]

Yes of course yer home made underfloor heating system will work without any control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

dont worry i have traveled 60 miles to fix your boiler at night on a friday because you had no gas its no problem

 

[moogwai]

No thanks I dont drink tea!!!!

Lol.....I do actually say that as I don't drink tea or coffee! Weird I know!

Sent from my Desire HD using Tapatalk

 

[diamondgas]

........No!

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Lol.....I do actually say that as I don't drink tea or coffee! Weird I know!

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are you ill?????lol

 

[moogwai]

I know I know........it goes all the way back to when I was an 9 year old lad walking to school after drinking a cup of tea and all of a sudden that nasty cup of tea flew out of my mouth and shot out of my nose!! And I've never touched it since......just don't like hot drinks......please don't hate me and make me the forum outcast!

Sent from my Desire HD using Tapatalk

 

[unguided1]

Lol.....I do actually say that as I don't drink tea or coffee! Weird I know!

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Lol weirdo!!!

 

[GQuigley67]

your not alone mate i dont like tea or coffee either, bovril is my hot drink lol but i doubt alot of customers stock it!

 

[Dannypipe]

would you mind watching over my shoulder and ask all your curious questions while I work ? it helps me relax

That's a good one!

 

[AWheating]

of course we are a well known company, have you not seen me on rogue traders?

 

[REDSAW]

i dont mind at all you using the toilet why i nip out to the van to get a new syphon.

 

[REDSAW]

i dont mind explaining to you how to connect this gas appliance up sir, next time you will be able to do it yourself.

 

[SafeGasInstall]

How much I get for your cylinder Mr.

Of coures I'll fix your liking quoter turn ciramk valve ,
I'll just get my box with washers !!!!

 

[unguided1]

and I can tarmac yer drive, tear out them trees, sortout those dodgy roof tiles, jet yer drains, and my name is Jamie

 

[Barry98]

no there not your daughters nickers mr smith in my apprentices tool box , hes a cross dresser on a weekend

 

[Barry98]

yeah sure ill take you on and retrain you , where do u live ? end of my street . brilliant do you want picking up in a morning. no serious your the first person to ever ask me

 

[SafeGasInstall]

this one is from to day :

yes i will change you boiler on a day rate 🙂

 

[Barry98]

no mrs smith , your husband was right to turn your meter back to front so you'd get free gas

 

[royston]

Thank you for carrying on using your toilet when it was blocked, it smells delightful on this lovely monday morning when i have a sore head !!

 

[royston]

Here is your bill Mrs Smith and by the way i do take payment in kind.

 

[royston]

Yes of course i can travel round all the plumbers merchants to find a tap body to fit your taps.

 

[dontknowitall]

Sorry I farted ...

 

[moogwai]

Sorry I farted ...

ha ha i like it!!!

yes it was me who left skids in the pan!!!

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

thanks for just taking the biggest dump known to mankind when i have come to replace your bathroom suite its no problem you have to use the facility's,even though you knew i was coming at 8:30,you could have got up earlier but being a typical custard you wont put your selves out am i annoyed no i am just teasing you lady,you are a lady arnt you???? could not tell with your beard,you know sex discrimination laws and all that,whats that you are a lady??????? , damn,shave that off you furry beast i have not had my brekkie i got up early to sort your bathroom out i think i want to vomit......

 

[SafeGasInstall]

ohhhh you are so sexyyyyy 🙂 ( she really was )🙂🙂🙂

 

[SafeGasInstall]

did you just had a bath ???????(had one sexy lady ) open the door in the morning after 5 min waiting outside with bath rob only
god I just wished she would go back in .......never happened 🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁

 

[moogwai]

did you just had a bath ???????(had one sexy lady ) open the door in the morning after 5 min waiting outside with bath rob only
god I just wished she would go back in .......never happened 🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁

i had one lady who looked like heather from eastenders (couldve been her double),open the front door in a towel and pyjama top...her big rottweiler came pounding to the door and knocked the towel off her...all of a sudden the were 2 growling rottweiler's at the door and i felt sick and had nightmares for weeks!!!

 

[royston]

Lol i had a guy answer door once completely naked swinging free. I still wake up having cold sweats and need medication to help me sleep at night. And yes he looked like he was a member of the blue oyster bar off police academy .

 

[obseen16]

lol had a fat bloke answer the door in his cartoon y fronts, the worst part was he had just been for a run and i had to follow him up the stairs to the boiler, it was terrifying.

 

[rhp]

'No no Mrs Smith I don't mind little Jonnie playing with the blow torch and running off with my spanners'

 

[kay-jay]

no you keep that ten pound tip and treat the kids

 

[GQuigley67]

mrs smith im just nipping out for a few minutes to smoke some crack, will be back in 5 mins to finish your boiler

 

[rhp]

What's that Mrs Smith, can you pay next month! of course, in fact don't worry it's on the house!

 

[quality]

No I am not Gas Safe registered thats why I am so cheap

 

[dontknowitall]

How do you remove the boiler's cover?

 

[rhp]

No Madam that gas valve is still available, i'll just do a tightness test and cap off before I pop out to get the part!

 

[mikegas]

I had to pee in the basin to check it was level

 

[franky]

You'll buy me a drink for payment instead of money why that seems like a great deal for changing a gas valve

 

[MoreleaksUK]

Silence is golden and the duct tape is in the van should you need it..........

 

[royston]

Here you go Mrs Smith ive just found your husbands stash of p orno mags and dvds round the back of the cylinder.

 

[GQuigley67]

if you dont mind me saying mrs smith i'd smash your back doors in your well bang tidy(this can be acceptable in some cases if its miss smith lol)

 

[philtheflush]

i forgot to ask before i started but can you swim

 

[philtheflush]

what ive done my love , ive just installed a water fountain in your bathroom looks lovley doesnt it

 

[dontknowitall]

Can you swim? LOL LOL - I've just got to use that one sometimes!!!

I try to have a joke with most customers (especially the older ones) and this one's really tickled me!

 

[REDSAW]

no sir, i dont have a gas safe registration card as it costs too much, i much prefer passing the savings to my customers thats why i only charge £10 per hour.
but i have seen this fire being installed before on a wall when i worked at b&q.

 

[philtheflush]

if your going to say it dont say to the elderly unless your a first aider

 

[CES]

Help yourself to the scrap mate, You've just saved me a trip to the dump cheers!

 

[royston]

Lol, lol, lol, luving the threads keep em coming !!

 

[Barry98]

sorry mr smith i didnt realise i was on your side of the bed , your lass never said anything

 

[mickie]

you could have cleaned you toilet before i came out, mr smith..

you've got a head ache and think its the boiler? well i dont detect any carbon monoxide, i think its this stinking house, try having a shower and opening the windows 🙂

 

[mickie]

you want to show me all the problems in the house that arent related to my job at all, yeah go on then, i dont mind..

you dont have any money in the house to pay me ? why did you call me out then ?

you want to haggle ? ooh go on then..

hi, are you a plumber "yes" i saw you working next door and thought you'd be able to help me, could you fix my boiler while your on, i have no money.. is that ok ? yes........

 

[unguided1]

Yeah and I can fit flexis to all yer radiators!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Mikey456]

Yeah sure ill fix your drawers whilst im here. Whilst im at it ill also put up that flatpack furniture you have.

 

[quality]

Yeh no problem I can sort the toilet and drains when I am finnished your boiler install no extra charge love

 

[erj]

nice breast mrs

 

[Ultimate P & H]

nice breast mrs

Just the one?

 

[Dannypipe]

I work for free on a Sunday.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

parts for heatlines are cheap,they are good boilers(yea right,detection electrode,baxi £8 heatline viso + £47!!!!!!!!)

 

[REDSAW]

you may live here, but if you swear again i will slap you.........

 

[GQuigley67]

hi my names steve, im blind death and dumb and i will be ur gas engineer for this evening

 

[PlumbBobBob]

would you like to join me? i'm just testing the bath for leaks.

 

[Plumbstar Tom]

I believe you that you never touched that gate valve 🙂

 

[Plumbstar Tom]

Wow what a bargain that £20 tap that says made in China on it is!

 

[royston]

Yes mrs smith you can turn the water off for me under the sink, as i stand at the side of you and look down your top and check your bum out.

 

[CES]

whoops!, sorry, I really should check that your cat isn't under the floor when I nail it back down

 

[dontknowitall]

I like these petrol prices as it gives me an excuse to put my prices up.

 

[Mikey456]

Yes mrs smith you can turn the water off for me under the sink, as i stand at the side of you and look down your top and check your bum out.

We do this anyways!

 

[quality]

No problem I will swap your gas meter that you just bought of ebay and will give you a certificate aswell

 

[Dotty]

Yes I'm positive I have to wear your underwear on my head to protect against Dihydrogen Monoxide Miss Smith.

 

[Dotty]

We do this anyways!

thank Gawd, I thought it was just me!