a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Dotty]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Auntie Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Auntie Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Auntie Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Auntie Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Auntie Jane....
." At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for tea time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight"
At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Auntie Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Auntie Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Auntie Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Auntie Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away at sea in the Navy.."
Mummy fainted...







THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

 

[Masood]

Croppie!

 

[Masood]

🙂

 

[Ermintrude]

Eat me rocket man I'm the copper jet pack man

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,

And every year Ed would say,

Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter

Norma always replied,

I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,

Norma, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance

To this, Norma replied,

Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,

By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!

Ed replied, Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Norma fell out,

But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

 

[mountainman]

As the cell door slams behind Rolf Harris, the lights instantly go out and he collapses to the floor, with his head in his hands, sobbing. Then, in the pitch black, he hears a rich Jamaican baritone voice which starts to sing "do you think I can leave you crying when there's room in my bunk for two?".

 

[kay-jay]

As the cell door slams behind Rolf Harris, the lights instantly go out and he collapses to the floor, with his head in his hands, sobbing. Then, in the pitch black, he hears a rich Jamaican baritone voice which starts to sing "do you think I can leave you crying when there's room in my bunk for two?".

if only....

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

can you see what it is yet?

 

[CES]

Next weeks "Animal Hospital" where Rolf explains how to handle a young beaver has been cancelled.

 

[CES]

Subject: Rejection Letter


Dear Sir


On behalf of Channel 4 may I thank you for the application you have provided for your wife to appear on our forthcoming 'Reality Show' and also for the charming photograph you enclosed with the application letter.


Whilst agreeing that she would no doubt make a worthy contribution to the programme if selected, I would take this opportunity to advise you that the correct title of the new series is actually "Fact Hunt".


Kind regards


Channel 4

 

[turnpin]

Fella sticks his head into the barber shop how long till I can get a haircut ...bout two hours.. few days later pops back ...how long till you can cut my hair.. be at least an hour and half today following week he calls by again how long today at least an hour...and again he leaves ..barber turns to the trainee and says follow him.....ten minutes later he returns ...well says the barber where did he go....round your house came the reply...regards Turnpin

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

born survivor

 

[Dotty]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that go all the way up to her backside came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

 

[Dotty]

MALE SENSITIVITY TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your ****** so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss the football.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. £100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for.
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you **********:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:
* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.
* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, CONGRATULATIONS! You are a fully fledged, red blooded, hairy arsed Plumber!

 

[julesverne]

What a a wonderful gesture!

World Cup refund

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain
personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled
to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to
complete the transaction.

 

[julesverne]

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.


That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.


Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.’
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour.


But it would not budge.


'Harder' yelled Camilla.


'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'


'Come on give it all you've got' she cried.


Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Oh God that feels so good.'


In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,

'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'


Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'


At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:


'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

 

[turnpin]

Guy holds up a bank whilst demanding the money from the teller his mask slips .....he pulls it back up and says the the first guy in the queue did you see my face...he replies I did I cannot lie I am a priest ...bang he shoots him ......he then turns to the next guy ....did you see my face I cannot lie I am a barrister...bang he shoots him as well......he then turns to a man with a flat cap and a whippet ...did you see my face nay lad I saw nowt.......................but the wife here saw everything..regards Turnpin

 

[julesverne]

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: - 'A man and a woman are in bed, nude.

The woman is lying on her side, with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side, facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?'

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their Answers.
The first from Canada, says "My answer is there IS no answer."

The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".

The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.

It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Naylor."

The Australian got the job...!!!!!!!!

 

[Ermintrude]

 

[turnpin]

A man go's into a chemist and said to the young lady behind the counter with a big grin ...box of condoms please ..certainly sir small medium or large replied the young lady...large of course he said sarcasticly..........he left the shop with a box of 25000...lol regards Turnpin

 

[CES]

Jim and Edna are mental patients, one day Jim jumps into the pool and stays on the bottom! Edna dives in and saves him.
The director calls Edna into his office and says, ” Edna, I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news. The good news is were releasing you as you are obviously sane enough saving someone’s life. But unfortunately Jim hanged himself in the bathroom .”
” No no no ! ” said Edna, ” That’s were I put him to dry !

 

[CES]

3 Office Girls in a lift notice a stain on the wall.
The Yorkshire lass says, ‘That looks like spunk!’
The Cockney girl sniffs it & says, ‘Smells like spunk too!’
The Scouse chick licks it & says, ‘Well, it’s nobody from our Office!’

 

[turnpin]

A man is visiting a relative at the local hospital...during his visit he notices the man in the next bed appears to be driving a car even making the broom broom of the engine as he races through the gear box ..what you doing pal he asks...driving my new sports car....but you don't have a car.....the relative in the next bed said you shouldn't have told him that ..why ...because he gives me a tenner twice a week for cleaning it.......regards Turnpin😛unk:

 

[kay-jay]

 

[brum]

Theres a transvestite running about Greater Manchester with a wigan address

 

[Ermintrude]

 

[villa_tom]

..........

 

[julesverne]

Please remove if too close to the limit






John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a
major car crash.


When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:


"I've got good news and bad news.....the bad news is you have had 2
pints of African blood and 2 pints of Romanian blood"


John screams "What the hell is the good news then?"


"Your ***** is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"

 

[kay-jay]

Just got a message off jcplumb

Fail joe, fail[emoji107]

 

[Dotty]

Just got a message off jcplumb

Fail joe, fail[emoji107]

And now everyone sets their phones to ring Joe at 2 in the morning.........

Fail Kev, Fail.......

 

[Ermintrude]

I'm on it

 

[mountainman]

Lol:-D

 

[Dotty]

I'm on it

Cock it, let's all do it!

 

[Ermintrude]

He's probably gonna switch it off so think we should bombard him with texts instead

 

[lame plumber]

Cock it, let's all do it!

who wants croppies mobile? yeah ooooh night night 🙂

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

who wants croppies mobile? yeah ooooh night night 🙂

i have his number,give us a grand and you can have it

 

[lame plumber]

i have his number,give us a grand and you can have it

I was hoping he'd pay so we wouldnt pass it on 🙂

 

[Dotty]

who wants croppies mobile? yeah ooooh night night 🙂

You bloody well said you lost it!

 

[Dotty]

He's probably gonna switch it off so think we should bombard him with texts instead

That's a good'un....

 

[mountainman]

 

[lame plumber]

You bloody well said you lost it!

never admit to having useful information and never let on youve lost something that was useful either, oh I've found it again 🙂

 

[SimonG]

TEESSIDE HURRICANE APPEAL TODAY





A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8
on the Richter Scale hit Teesside in the early hours of Thursday with
its epicentre in Middlesbrough. Victims were seen wandering around
aimlessly, muttering "fukinelll".


The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Benidorm and the Costa
Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out
cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros
arrived.


Radio Tees FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Teesside. One resident - Tracy
Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 3 said, "It was such a shock, my
little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My
youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I
was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the
next morning."


Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal.


The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners
and Bone China from the Pound shop.


HOW CAN YOU HELP?


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) with hoods
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Pyjamas for all day use
Any other items usually sold in Primark.


Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Parmos
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.


22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, parmo and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys **** and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


**BREAKING NEWS**


Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Great Ayton" said the girl, wot's that gotta do wi yow?"


Please don't forward this to anyone living in Teesside - oh, sod it,
they won't be able to read it, anyway.

 

[julesverne]

This guy came upto me and said I'm going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.

i said "Is that a fret"

 

[Barry98]

R.i.p

 

[Ch4 plumbing]

R.i.p

If only you was right!!

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Mystery - last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in Casualty.
When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, never saw her once.
I think she's lying. She still hasn't come home yet. I'm starving.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

The Queen is in Glasgow where she bumped into Alex Salmond.
HM: “How nice to see you Mr Salmond”.
AS: “Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland
when we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and
then I’ll be a King”?
HM: “No, we don’t like that idea Mr Salmond”.
AS: “Empire, and I'll be Emperor”?
HM: “No. I don’t think so Mr Salmond”.
AS: “OK, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a
Prince”?
HM: “No, Mr Salmond. May I suggest that we call it a Country?

 

[villa_tom]

..........

 

[Barry98]

You've been warned

 

[Dotty]

You've been warned

I'm fairly hairy, I think I'm safe.......

 

[CES]

Officers from Operation Yewtree are investigating Pans People, it's alleged that they caused hundreds of young boys to self abuse in the '70s.

 

[kay-jay]

this proves everything i know about landrovers and their owners!!!:yawn:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=804325456278749&set=vb.149874618390506&type=2&theater

 

[Dotty]

Good job it's not a Landrover then!

 

[JCplumb]

made me laugh.

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Dotty]

Sunday morning in a little chapel in the welsh valleys.
The vicar is in the pulpit and says, "Who here in the congregation can tell me they have seen a ghost?"
Silence from the congregation.
The vicar then says, "Who here in the congregation can tell me that they have seen and spoken to a ghost?"
Again silence from the congregation.
The vicar then says, "Who here in the congregation can tell me that they have seen and spoken and made love to a ghost?
A voice from the back shouts out,"I have vicar!"
"Thomas Evans", says the vicar, "You mean to tell me that you have seen, spoken to and made love to ghost?"
The man replies "Oh! Sorry vicar I thought you said a goat!"

 

[turnpin]

A couple who have been married a long time are having a blazing row......he said ..when you die I am putting on your headstone here lies my wife as cold as ever........she furiously replies.....oh yeah when you die I am putting on your headstone..here lies my husband.........stiff at last......regards Turnpin😛unk:

 

[SimonG]

I thought it was a seaside tragedy when I saw the headline............."young lad tossed off Cliff".

Just goes to show, you never know what dangers are lurking in the Shadows.

 

[Dotty]

Perpetual motion has been discovered......

(CAUTION! Wife Unfriendly)

lads 33 - Freshers Exposed

 

[townfanjon]

Perpetual motion has been discovered......

(CAUTION! Wife Unfriendly)

lads 33 - Freshers Exposed

Oh that's just wonderful, I can't stop watching it lol

 

[galaxy_plumbing]

Well Worn Mens Work Trainers | eBay

ha ha ha

 

[mountainman]

 

[mountainman]

 

[Whyme]

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my mrs while she was in the bath. I tried to help,
but I could only knock one out.

 

[Whyme]

My mum bet me £100 I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

 

[SimonG]

I've just started a new job as a comedian in an old peoples home.

They don't understand the jokes, but they still pi$$ themselves.

 

[SimonG]

I shoved some purple grapes up my girlfriends a$$ during kinky sex last night, she didn't scream or anything.......just let out a little wine.

 

[SimonG]

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night, apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is an unacceptable way to describe the number 69.

 

[spanner]

Lolz thatched amazing

 

[galaxy_plumbing]

[video=youtube;W714sCvy2EM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W714sCvy2EM[/video]

lol.

 

[lame plumber]

the funniest part of the vid is his haircut!

 

[turnpin]

My mate pulled at the weekend he said she was a 1664 ?...he explained she looked like 16 from behind and 64 from the front ..after a lot of drink she dragged him back to hers and led him to the bedroom ..he said the room was full of shelves with all types of teddy's and doll's sitting on them ...after a night of passion she woke him with a cup of tea ...he said how was it for you last night ...she replied he could choose anything from the bottom shelf.....lol regards Turnpin😛unk:

 

[CES]

 

[Dotty]

I went up to my wife holding a gun and said, "Any last words?"


Two hours later, I killed her

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Dotty]

New regulation in South Africa.

 

[julesverne]

if being attacked by a bunch of pyschpathic clowns to protect yourself always go for the juggler

 

[Dotty]

On average, a Welshman will have sex two to three times a week whereas a Chinese man will have sex only once or twice a year.







This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Chinese.......

 

[Dotty]

Not suitable for work or kids.....

That's A Damn Hot Gym Workout! | Funny Pe Net

 

[Dotty]

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

 

[Masood]

Well that wasn't very well thought-out, was it?

 

[Masood]

This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Chinese.......

Really?! Everyone says you're Ni Hai. I just assumed that was your real name...

 

[Dotty]

Really?! Everyone says you're Ni Hai. I just assumed that was your real name...

Git. I may make you a bacon sarnie in revenge.

Fatwa that!

 

[kay-jay]

Fatwa that!

What about your hat?[emoji38][emoji38][emoji38]

 

[Dotty]

Took me a moment.........


Turd........

 

[CES]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

A sweet-looking old lady enters in a sex-shop. She walks hesitantly, her hands shake, her whole body is taken by random spasms and tremors, she shows all the signs of advanced Parkinson.

When she arrives at the counter, she holds tight on it to steady herself. Her shakes are so bad that you can hear the faint dingaling of things rattling on the counter's glass shelves.

The clerk is a bit taken aback, but still asks: "How can I help you, Madame?"

Stuttering slightly, the old lady asks:

"Do you-ou s-sell ****** here?"

"Er... Yes, we do..."

"D-do you ha-have that big pi-pink one... The one w-with t-three speeds... T-t-twe-elve inches long?"

"Well... Er... Yes, we have something like that..."

The old lady leans on the counter, which shakes all the more. With an intent look on her face, almost grimacing, she yells in one go:

"HOW DO YOU SWITCH THE BUGGER OFF???"

 

[CES]

Obviously we need teachers first to educate our advertisers!!

 

[mike-c]

[video=youtube;2bPwfLe13Uo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bPwfLe13Uo[/video]

 

[CES]

Went for for a ride with the mrs... Anyone wanna buy a bike?

 

[lame plumber]

could have been a great ride once upon a time, the bike that is...........................

 

[CES]

 

[CES]

Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet,
sweeping is your job

 

[brum]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two but their problem is getting in..brum

 

[lame plumber]

cheap tarts vibrator? coke bottle full of blue bottles 🙂

how does a cheap tart keep the flies off her tea when eating it, she opens her legs 🙂

Oz jokes made less racist 🙂

 

[Barry98]

iPhone 6 ordered last week two packages first ones just arrived

 

[newcastle phill]

Is that your free gift