- Thread starter Barry98
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Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws
M
Masood
M
Masood
E
Ermintrude
D
Dotty
I hate neknomination with a passion but I can watch this one for hours!
[video=youtube;FST6QMngVpg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FST6QMngVpg[/video]
[video=youtube;FST6QMngVpg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FST6QMngVpg[/video]
L
lame plumber
I
IDCHAPPY
P
PlumbBobBob
Man goes to doctor, complains about leg. "It keeps talking," he says. Doctor tells him to take off trousers and lie on examination couch. He then listens to man's thigh through stethoscope.
Thigh says, "Lend us a tenner."
"Remarkable," says doctor, moving stethoscope down to knee.
"Lend us a fiver," says knee.
"Incredible," says doctor, moving stethoscope down to ankle.
"Lend us a couple of quid," says ankle.
"Amazing!" says doctor.
"What's wrong?" asks man.
"Your leg is broke in three places."
Thigh says, "Lend us a tenner."
"Remarkable," says doctor, moving stethoscope down to knee.
"Lend us a fiver," says knee.
"Incredible," says doctor, moving stethoscope down to ankle.
"Lend us a couple of quid," says ankle.
"Amazing!" says doctor.
"What's wrong?" asks man.
"Your leg is broke in three places."
P
PlumbBobBob
The following is purported to be an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company (Iarnród Éireann).
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and indeed I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his bum.
That... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours feckin' truly,
Patrick Finnegan.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and indeed I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his bum.
That... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours feckin' truly,
Patrick Finnegan.
K
kay-jay
K
kay-jay
M
Masood
anyone for breakfast....
wtf? seriously just wtf?
What made you decide to google "goat *****"???
K
kay-jay
I was bored this morning and on a whim I decided to find out what sourherners eat for breakfast
M
Masood
B
Barry98
Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......
'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......
'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
B
Barry98
3 Yorkshire lads and 3 Cockney blokes were in a ticket queue at York Central train station heading to Euston for a Scotland - England International at Wembley.
The 3 Cockneys each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Yorkies bought just one ticket between them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on 1 ticket?" asked one of the Cockneys. "Thall av ta watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the North.
When the 6 travellers boarded the train, the 3 Londoners sat down, but the 3 Northerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train set off the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "tickets please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on into the next car.
The Southerners saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save themselves some money.
That evening after the game, when they all got to Euston, the Cockney blokes bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their astonishment, the 3 Yorkshire lads didn't even buy 1 ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Cockneys. "A tell thee, tha has ta watch and learn", answered one of the Tykes.
When they boarded the train the 3 Cockneys crammed themselves into a toilet and the 3 Yorkies crammed themselves into another toilet.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Tykes left their toilet and walked over to the Cockney's toilet. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain Yorkshire ingenuity is there?
The 3 Cockneys each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Yorkies bought just one ticket between them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on 1 ticket?" asked one of the Cockneys. "Thall av ta watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the North.
When the 6 travellers boarded the train, the 3 Londoners sat down, but the 3 Northerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train set off the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "tickets please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on into the next car.
The Southerners saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save themselves some money.
That evening after the game, when they all got to Euston, the Cockney blokes bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their astonishment, the 3 Yorkshire lads didn't even buy 1 ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Cockneys. "A tell thee, tha has ta watch and learn", answered one of the Tykes.
When they boarded the train the 3 Cockneys crammed themselves into a toilet and the 3 Yorkies crammed themselves into another toilet.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Tykes left their toilet and walked over to the Cockney's toilet. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain Yorkshire ingenuity is there?
M
Masood
D
Dotty
A guy go's home and catches his best mate servicing his wife ..bashes him and frog march's him to the garden shed where he sticks the mans dick in the vice and tightens it up and whilst the the fella is struggling to release the vice he sees the man approaching with a rusty old saw .....oh no you are not thinking of cutting my dick off are you ...no the man replies you are I'm setting fire to the shed........regards Turnpin:17:
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Ermintrude
Einstein, Newton and pascal are playing hide and seek. It's Einsteins turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees newton immediately and exclaims "newton I found you! You're it"
newton on smiles and says "you didn't find me you found a newton over a square meter. You found pascal!"
newton on smiles and says "you didn't find me you found a newton over a square meter. You found pascal!"
K
kay-jay
K
kay-jay
M
Masood
K
kay-jay
I might have been a bit gentler with you mas but your auto spell checker keeps calling me kebab .........😕
M
Masood
B
Billy Bob Bob
Gasman that is spookily acurate...I only know because I am a man flu survivor...regards Turnpin:smoking:
Three generations of prostitutes sat chatting. Granny asks how much does a blowjob cost these days?" The youngest answers £50. "Eeeee" says the mother, "IN the sixties it cost 2 pound 10 shillings". "Eeeee" says the granny, "During the war we were just glad of something warm in our bellies".
M
Masood
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,..........
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,.........
"You have exactly 1586 sheep".
"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not" answered the young man.
"You are a consultant" said the shepherd.
"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog!!!"
*
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,.........
"You have exactly 1586 sheep".
"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not" answered the young man.
"You are a consultant" said the shepherd.
"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog!!!"
*
D
Dotty
have a good chuckle at this contender for the next darwen awards
bet he makes a gash job of cementing that soil pipe in
Ahhh but is she speaking from personal experience....lol regards Turnpin:rofl:
K
kay-jay
- Dec 23, 2011
- 2,159
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- Member Type
- Heating Engineer (Has GSR)
- Business Name
- ATouchofgas
You would not believe how many times I read that trying to find out what was wrong with it... Lol... Do you reckon it was intentional?
P
PlumbBobBob
B
Bunker
Scotsman takes his wife to casualty. Her teeth are missing, her lips and gums are bleeding, her nose is broken, she's got 2 black eyes, one ear is hanging off and big tufts of her hair are missing. The doctor say's 'what has happened to your wife'? Scotsman replies, 'going through the change.' The doctor say's, 'That doesn't happen when a woman goes through the change', and Scotsman replied, 'It does when it's in my ****ing coat pocket'.
E
Ermintrude
K
kay-jay
heard a noise whilst sleeping last night, got up checked the doors, windows, had a look outside, shot herindoors 5 times, went back to bed.
L
lame plumber
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
M
Masood
A man in Michigan wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the
yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for North Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there,
and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof,
the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for North Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there,
and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof,
the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
R
Resolute
[video=youtube;hkmeoYKYctw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkmeoYKYctw&feature=youtube_gdata_player[/video]
K
Kyle87
M
Masood
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