- Thread starter Barry98
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Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws
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Dotty
An older Gent and his lovely wife enter a pub and walk up to the bar.
The Husband asks the wife to order him his usual because he has to use the Gents.
As she waits to gets the busy barmans attention, she notices a young man next to her staring.
"Can I help you?" she said.
"I would just love to fondle your breasts!" Said the young man.
Dirty b'stard, she thought.
"That's not all, I would also love to lift up your dress and smother your bum with kisses! "
Absolutely disgraceful, dirty little b'stard, she thought again!
"That's not all he said, I'd really love to turn you upside down, completely fill your Jack&Danny with beer, and drink it all!"
Just then her Husband returned from the Gents.
"Bobby" she called to her Hubby panicking.
"What's up Treacle"
"This young upstart has just said he'd like to fondle my breasts!"
"Dirty little b'stard" said Bobby, whilst rolling up one sleeve.
"That's not all, he also said he'd love to smother my bum in kisses".
"F#@k that, dirty little b'stard" said Bobby whilst rolling up his other sleeve, "I'm gonna f#@k'n kill him"!
"Thats not all, he then said that he'd love to turn me upside down, fill my Jack@Danny with beer and drink it!"
Jack then started to roll both of his sleeves back down, and grabbed his coat.
"What are you doing" asked Bobbys wife. "Take him out an give him a beating"
"Bollox", said Bobby. "Any man that can hold that much beer, I'm not about to f#@k with!"
The Husband asks the wife to order him his usual because he has to use the Gents.
As she waits to gets the busy barmans attention, she notices a young man next to her staring.
"Can I help you?" she said.
"I would just love to fondle your breasts!" Said the young man.
Dirty b'stard, she thought.
"That's not all, I would also love to lift up your dress and smother your bum with kisses! "
Absolutely disgraceful, dirty little b'stard, she thought again!
"That's not all he said, I'd really love to turn you upside down, completely fill your Jack&Danny with beer, and drink it all!"
Just then her Husband returned from the Gents.
"Bobby" she called to her Hubby panicking.
"What's up Treacle"
"This young upstart has just said he'd like to fondle my breasts!"
"Dirty little b'stard" said Bobby, whilst rolling up one sleeve.
"That's not all, he also said he'd love to smother my bum in kisses".
"F#@k that, dirty little b'stard" said Bobby whilst rolling up his other sleeve, "I'm gonna f#@k'n kill him"!
"Thats not all, he then said that he'd love to turn me upside down, fill my Jack@Danny with beer and drink it!"
Jack then started to roll both of his sleeves back down, and grabbed his coat.
"What are you doing" asked Bobbys wife. "Take him out an give him a beating"
"Bollox", said Bobby. "Any man that can hold that much beer, I'm not about to f#@k with!"
D
Dotty
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.The only friction in their marriage was the husband"s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and he smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn"t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Sunday morning as she was preparing the chicken for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of chicken guts into his shorts.Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty well...About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.He said, "Honey you were right! All these years you have warned me and I didn"t listen to you"."What do you mean?" asked his wife."Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened"."But by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in".
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Dotty
Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.
"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."
As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself.
It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.
As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"
"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."
"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"
"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special!"
With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."
As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"
Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!"
"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."
As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself.
It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.
As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"
"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."
"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"
"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special!"
With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."
As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"
Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!"
At a party thrown for fairy tale figures Snow White got a little tipsy and decided to try her luck with Pinocchio and when finaly she seduced him to the bedroom and stripped right off and with Pinocchio laid out on the bed she positioned herself so as to sit on his faced and let out a cry ......lie Pinocchio lie.....lol regards Turnpin:smile5:
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Billy Bob Bob
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
"Don't **** with Mommy when she's been drinking."
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
"Don't **** with Mommy when she's been drinking."
That reminds me of a time when I was walking home through a maze of a housing estate around 1am in the morning after a good night out and a ruddy fox jumped out of a wheellie bin right beside me, Jeez did that make me jump!
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Dotty
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
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Dotty
A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
The priest is silent for a moment, and then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that ****ing smirk off your face.”
The priest is silent for a moment, and then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that ****ing smirk off your face.”
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newcastle phill
Another Ched Evans rumour is that he has just turned down a 3 year deal with Bradford City, he said he could not risk ruining his reputation anymore.
K
kirkgas
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Dotty
Scientists now believe that if you ********** frequently... you have a greater chance of developing Tourettes in later life....How the **** do these ****-brained ****ing arseholes come up with these cock-sucking,****ing titwank ideas is beyond me,...for ****s sake,*******s.
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kay-jay
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julesverne
I started my job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the the numbers i farted loudly.
my boss immediately came and said to me "dont do that again"
"sorry" i said "it must be nerves"
" fair enough" he replied " but there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse"
my boss immediately came and said to me "dont do that again"
"sorry" i said "it must be nerves"
" fair enough" he replied " but there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse"
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Billy Bob Bob
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mother if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mother, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mother says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "OK, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mother if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mother, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mother says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "OK, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
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tamz
They have to find & get past Pete first, he's on the inside tucked behind the lefthand gate. God made a dash for it upstair as soon as he saw them coming down the path. LOL
I don't know why but that picture has me cracking up !!!:wings:
Somebody must love em.
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Billy Bob Bob
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I ****ing didn't!".
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I ****ing didn't!".
Youngest son told me this he saw it on f/b ..
two young boys decide they will swear when Mum gets the breakfast ready.....What do you want for your breakfast Tommy
Cornflakes b**ch....slap the Mother strikes him across the face knocking him off his chair to the floor where he sits sobbing whilst rubbing his face......and what do you want she asks the other boy .......well I ******* dont want the cornflakes he replied!......regards Turnpin:rofl:
two young boys decide they will swear when Mum gets the breakfast ready.....What do you want for your breakfast Tommy
Cornflakes b**ch....slap the Mother strikes him across the face knocking him off his chair to the floor where he sits sobbing whilst rubbing his face......and what do you want she asks the other boy .......well I ******* dont want the cornflakes he replied!......regards Turnpin:rofl:
A guy bumps into his pal in the bar....how's the new job in supermarket going he ask's..........got fired after two day's ....what happened he ask's....got caught putting me c@ck in the bacon slicer when I thought no one was looking.........Wow what did they do with the bacon slicer......oh they sacked her as well.....regards Turnpin:rofl:
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Rickster123
A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'
The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'what?... no'.
'...got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'
The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'what?... no'.
'...got any duck food?'
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Rickster123
An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear
"Give us a kiss, luv!"
"No!", replied the nurse
"Oh go on!", said the man
"No!", replied the nurse again
"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"
"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be w4nking you off!"
"Give us a kiss, luv!"
"No!", replied the nurse
"Oh go on!", said the man
"No!", replied the nurse again
"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"
"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be w4nking you off!"
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Dotty
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. he removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "on the road again . . . just can't wait to get on the road again . . . "
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. the music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the mortician over to the corpse.
"Look at this. This is really something!" The student told the mortician as he pulled the cork back out again.
"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again ... "
"So what?" The mortician replied, obviously
unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" Asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" Replied the mortician, "Any arsehole can sing country music....."
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. the music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the mortician over to the corpse.
"Look at this. This is really something!" The student told the mortician as he pulled the cork back out again.
"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again ... "
"So what?" The mortician replied, obviously
unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" Asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" Replied the mortician, "Any arsehole can sing country music....."
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Billy Bob Bob
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 21000800 2100 FREE for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Mumbles please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.
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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm! So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f-----g stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 21000800 2100 FREE for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Mumbles please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm! So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f-----g stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
D
Dotty
Paddy, the Irish labourer goes to his doctor,
"I'm constipated." he says.
The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table."
After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his arse with a baseball bat.
A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy to the toilet.
After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping your arse with cement bags...."
"I'm constipated." he says.
The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table."
After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his arse with a baseball bat.
A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy to the toilet.
After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping your arse with cement bags...."
N
newcastle phill
K
kay-jay
M
Masood
I'd hate to be you with morning wood when you're laying on your back.... [emoji13]
M
Masood
R
Ray Stafford
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sXXt inside!"
B
Billy Bob Bob
>>>>Ed Milliband was visiting
a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion
related to words and their meanings.
>>>>The teacher asked Mr Milliband
if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
>>>>
>>>>So
the illustrious leader of the Labour Party asked the class for an
example of a 'Tragedy'
>>>>
>>>>A little boy stood up and oed: 'If my best
friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs
over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
>>>>'Incorrect,' said
Milliband. 'That would be an accident.'
>>>>A little girl raised her
hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff,
killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
>>>>'I'm afraid not',
explained Milliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great
loss'.
>>>>The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Milliband
searched the room.
>>>>
>>>>'Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?'
>>>>Finally, at the back of the room, little
Johnny raised his hand and said:
>>>>’If a plane carrying you and Mr
Balls and Mrs Harmen and all the other LAB members was struck by a
'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy.'
>>>>'Fantastic' exclaimed Milliband, 'and can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?'
>>>>
>>>>'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a
tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably
wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!'
a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion
related to words and their meanings.
>>>>The teacher asked Mr Milliband
if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
>>>>
>>>>So
the illustrious leader of the Labour Party asked the class for an
example of a 'Tragedy'
>>>>
>>>>A little boy stood up and oed: 'If my best
friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs
over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
>>>>'Incorrect,' said
Milliband. 'That would be an accident.'
>>>>A little girl raised her
hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff,
killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
>>>>'I'm afraid not',
explained Milliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great
loss'.
>>>>The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Milliband
searched the room.
>>>>
>>>>'Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?'
>>>>Finally, at the back of the room, little
Johnny raised his hand and said:
>>>>’If a plane carrying you and Mr
Balls and Mrs Harmen and all the other LAB members was struck by a
'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy.'
>>>>'Fantastic' exclaimed Milliband, 'and can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?'
>>>>
>>>>'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a
tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably
wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!'
M
mountainman
T
tamz
One day you might find this to be attractive Mas. Don't think about it it will gradually sneak up on you :lol:
R
Ray Stafford
T
tamz
P
PlumbBobBob
This gave me a right chuckle...
Michael Yon
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Michael Yon
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
M
Masood
Love the planet!!!!
http://www.****forforest.com/en/about.html
Warning - nudity and wacko content...
http://www.****forforest.com/en/about.html
Warning - nudity and wacko content...
M
Masood
D
Dotty
A bakery owner hires a young female assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thongs.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As she retrieves the second loaf
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip,
She yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little!!.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As she retrieves the second loaf
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip,
She yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little!!.
D
Dotty
A bakery owner hires a young female assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thongs.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As she retrieves the second loaf
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip,
She yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little!!.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As she retrieves the second loaf
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip,
She yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little!!.
Man Shoves His Parrot In The Freezer To Discipline It…It Goes Way Better Than Expected
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
A Jamaican in New York can't find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:
JAMAICAN MEDICINE GUARANTEED TREATMENT FOR ANY ILLNESS – $100.00 IF YOU ARE NOT CURED, GET BACK $1,000.00.
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to teach this Jamaican a lesson and earn an easy $1,000.00so he goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Jamaican: "Nurse, bring medicine from bottle number 22 and put 3 drops in this patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh…this is kerosene!"
Jamaican: "Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $100.00."
The lawyer, annoyed at being duped so easily, goes back after a few days to try to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Jamaican: "Nurse, bring medicine from bottle number 22 and put 3 drops in this patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "No way! That is kerosene. You gave it to me last time for restoring my taste."
Jamaican: "Congratulations. You got your memory back. Give me $100.00."
The fuming lawyer pays him, then, determined to get back his $200.00 plus $800.00 extra, he comes back a week later, walking with a white cane.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak." Jamaican: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $1,000.00." (hands him a note) Lawyer: (staring at the note) "But this is $50.00,not $1,000.00!" Jamaican: "Congratulations, your eyesight is restored. Let me have it back and give me $100.00
JAMAICAN MEDICINE GUARANTEED TREATMENT FOR ANY ILLNESS – $100.00 IF YOU ARE NOT CURED, GET BACK $1,000.00.
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to teach this Jamaican a lesson and earn an easy $1,000.00so he goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Jamaican: "Nurse, bring medicine from bottle number 22 and put 3 drops in this patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh…this is kerosene!"
Jamaican: "Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $100.00."
The lawyer, annoyed at being duped so easily, goes back after a few days to try to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Jamaican: "Nurse, bring medicine from bottle number 22 and put 3 drops in this patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "No way! That is kerosene. You gave it to me last time for restoring my taste."
Jamaican: "Congratulations. You got your memory back. Give me $100.00."
The fuming lawyer pays him, then, determined to get back his $200.00 plus $800.00 extra, he comes back a week later, walking with a white cane.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak." Jamaican: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $1,000.00." (hands him a note) Lawyer: (staring at the note) "But this is $50.00,not $1,000.00!" Jamaican: "Congratulations, your eyesight is restored. Let me have it back and give me $100.00
Three dizzy blondes are out in the wilds when they come across some tracks....1st blonde says they are bear tracks ...2nd blonde says no they are mountain lion tracks ..3rd blonde disagree's and say's they are wolf track's.....they were still arguing when the train hit them....lol:8:
Last edited:
- May 23, 2015
- 35,139
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- Member Type
- Heating Engineer (Has GSR)
Three nun's are waiting to get into heaven St. peter say's.....before I can let you in you must answer one question he says to the first one who was the first woman God created.....Eve she replied ...Congrats in you go .....he then says to the second where did she live......Garden of Eden...Congrats in you go .....he says to the third As you are the Mother Supirior your question will be more difficult...he ask's her what was the first word's Eve said when she first saw Adam moving toward's her......Oooh that's a hard one!!......Congrats in you go....lol regards Turnpin:8:
A man has been out drinking all day the bartender finally day's that the bar is closing.So the man stood up to leave and falls flat on his face...he tribe's again same result.So he thought the best plan was to crawl outside hoping the fresh air would sober him up.Once outside he tried to stand up once more and again falls over.So he resign's himself to crawl all the way home when he finally arrived he tried once more just about managing to open the front door before once more crashing to the floor he crawled to his bed and with a last effort somehow managed to fall into bed....He was awakened the next morning with his wife standing over him screaming
So you've been out drinking all day again .....he replies...what makes you say that with an innocent look on his face......the pub just called .....youv'e left your wheelchair there again...lol regards Turnpin:17:
So you've been out drinking all day again .....he replies...what makes you say that with an innocent look on his face......the pub just called .....youv'e left your wheelchair there again...lol regards Turnpin:17:
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