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- Thread starter Barry98
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Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws
M
Masood
K
Kyle87
L
lame plumber
K
Kyle87
B
Billy Bob Bob
D
Dotty
K
Kyle87
[QU OTE=croppie;647126]Some of these are genius!
The 9 Most Epic Texting Pranks Of All Time. The 3rd One Killed Me...LOL![/QUOTE]
Brilliant
The 9 Most Epic Texting Pranks Of All Time. The 3rd One Killed Me...LOL![/QUOTE]
Brilliant
D
Dotty
D
Dotty
A tourist was walking through a cemetery in Vienna and all of a sudden he heard music.
No one was around, so he started searching for the source.
He finally located the origin and found it was coming from a grave with a headstone that read: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827".
Then he realized that the music was Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it was being played backwards !
Puzzled, he left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music had changed.
This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backwards.
Curious, the men agreed to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing and again, backwards.
The expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were written, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word had spread, and a crowd gathered around the grave.
They were all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards, just then the graveyard caretaker ambled up to the group.
Someone in the group asked him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious,"
the caretaker said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"He's decomposing!"
No one was around, so he started searching for the source.
He finally located the origin and found it was coming from a grave with a headstone that read: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827".
Then he realized that the music was Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it was being played backwards !
Puzzled, he left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music had changed.
This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backwards.
Curious, the men agreed to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing and again, backwards.
The expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were written, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word had spread, and a crowd gathered around the grave.
They were all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards, just then the graveyard caretaker ambled up to the group.
Someone in the group asked him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious,"
the caretaker said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"He's decomposing!"
G
gavinwilson
You will hardly notice it when the rest of the ceiling has been painted in the same colour......regards Turnpin:49:
Lolz that's hilarious man pmsl haaaagSome absolute belters here!
T
TomLane
After I wrote it I thought to myself I should have expanded on it.
My mates got the text this morning. Mostly ignored, but I did get a couple of feck offs 🙂
B
Billy Bob Bob
Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near Greater Manchester
recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and to everyone's relief,
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on
the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
The Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill,
they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah".
Not a single one could shout "Lorry."
recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and to everyone's relief,
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on
the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
The Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill,
they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah".
Not a single one could shout "Lorry."
D
Dotty
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
...The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!"
she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
...The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!"
she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150
M
Masood
P
PlumbBobBob
Al Quaida caught 3 Soldiers in the desert, A guardsman a paratrooper & a Royal Engineer. They lined the 3 men up in front of a mine field & said, "whoever can get through the minefield will be set free"
The guardsman immediately asked for a bayonet & started to dig & crawl.....20 metres later BOOM the guardsman was blown up.
The paratrooper asked for a long stick & was given a broom handle so he started to probe & move through the mine field.....50 metres later & BOOM the paratrooper was blown up.
The Royal Engineer asked for 1 Mattress, 1 Pig & 2 rolls of gaffa Tape.
The Engineer slashed open the mattress. took out the springs & gaffa taped them to the legs of the Pig, jumped on the back of the Pig & bounced his away across the entire mine field & escaped.
The Al Quaida guys chased the Engineer & caught up to him, the Engineer screamed "you said if I made it I could go free..." They replied, "you are free, we just need to know how you did it." The Engineer looked at them & said, "I call it my four sprung pork technique..."
The guardsman immediately asked for a bayonet & started to dig & crawl.....20 metres later BOOM the guardsman was blown up.
The paratrooper asked for a long stick & was given a broom handle so he started to probe & move through the mine field.....50 metres later & BOOM the paratrooper was blown up.
The Royal Engineer asked for 1 Mattress, 1 Pig & 2 rolls of gaffa Tape.
The Engineer slashed open the mattress. took out the springs & gaffa taped them to the legs of the Pig, jumped on the back of the Pig & bounced his away across the entire mine field & escaped.
The Al Quaida guys chased the Engineer & caught up to him, the Engineer screamed "you said if I made it I could go free..." They replied, "you are free, we just need to know how you did it." The Engineer looked at them & said, "I call it my four sprung pork technique..."
M
Masood
Some absolute belters here:
12 Mistranslated Menus | The Poke
I particularly fancy "Onion explodes the lamb" and some "punch violent potatoes". Although little bitches from the Algarve could be fun...
12 Mistranslated Menus | The Poke
I particularly fancy "Onion explodes the lamb" and some "punch violent potatoes". Although little bitches from the Algarve could be fun...
D
Dotty
i know that at first glance it looks like a bloody big glass, but its actually a photo of a young croppie drinking from a half pint glass. cheers ....:yesnod:
Ahhhhhhh........ Those were the days!
M
Masood
18 Food Products that Have Translated Poorly Into English. The Fail Here is Epic! LOL | Amplifying Glass
Fancy some **** sausage?!
Fancy some **** sausage?!
K
Kyle87
R
Resolute
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained:
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any ****ing Frenchmen to show it to."
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained:
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any ****ing Frenchmen to show it to."
R
Ray Stafford
In the same vein - shameless stolen from another site.
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206 taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark ... and I didn't land."
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206 taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark ... and I didn't land."
Read somewhere coconut works as a laxative...think its the manky old milk inside ...lol regards Turnpin😀
D
Dotty
I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night.
She said to me, "Have you got a nickname?"
l said, "Yes, my mates call me 'The Sledge.'"
She giggled and said, "Is that because you're a smooth ride?"
l said, "No, it's because l always get pulled by dogs!!"
She said to me, "Have you got a nickname?"
l said, "Yes, my mates call me 'The Sledge.'"
She giggled and said, "Is that because you're a smooth ride?"
l said, "No, it's because l always get pulled by dogs!!"
D
Dotty
Anne Summers has announced it's going to start selling a lager-flavoured gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their fannies, in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.
Campaigners have condemned the move, because of fears that it will lead to 24-hour minge drinking.......
Campaigners have condemned the move, because of fears that it will lead to 24-hour minge drinking.......
D
Dotty
Job interviews are so silly, they always ask the same mundane questions.
Like "Why are you naked?"
Like "Why are you naked?"
J
julesverne
A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He gets in bed next to his wife who,s reading. This is the pig I sleep with when you have an headache. The wife says I'll think you'll find that is a sheep. Man says I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep
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Oz any response?
Yes,
The only place where we can buy pints is at those faux English and Irish Bars that are popping up all over the place.
So...any Aussie bloke that hangs around those places drinking pints is a poofter!!!
Hows that for a reply?
D
Dotty
A young man walks over to his father one day and asks if they could have a talk about sex. His father agrees and is eager to help his son with any questions he may have.
"Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" asked the son.
"Well son," answered the all knowing father. "A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."
"The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose."
"The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest french perfumes."
"The taste of a vagina, is sweeter than the purest nectar."
"All in all son, it`s like I said ,a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."
"Gee dad ,a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it."
A few moments of silence go by, then the boy asks another question.
"Dad, What does a vagina look like after sex?"
"Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"
"Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" asked the son.
"Well son," answered the all knowing father. "A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."
"The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose."
"The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest french perfumes."
"The taste of a vagina, is sweeter than the purest nectar."
"All in all son, it`s like I said ,a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."
"Gee dad ,a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it."
A few moments of silence go by, then the boy asks another question.
"Dad, What does a vagina look like after sex?"
"Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"
D
Dotty
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the van."
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the van."
R
Ray Stafford
M
Masood
M
Masood
E
erpkid
E
erpkid
P
Paulplumb
[video]http://m.youtube.com/results?q=man+flying+beside+van&sm=3[/video]
thought this quite funny
* sorry can only seem to post link to video search results. It's the flyijg builder one
thought this quite funny
* sorry can only seem to post link to video search results. It's the flyijg builder one
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M
Masood
Women gives birth....
.midwife says 'oooo, got good n bad news'
'lets have the bad news first' says women,
'sorry to say this but your baby is ginger'
' oh, better have the good news then'
' it's still born'.......
.midwife says 'oooo, got good n bad news'
'lets have the bad news first' says women,
'sorry to say this but your baby is ginger'
' oh, better have the good news then'
' it's still born'.......
Is it just me or are shop assistants getting ruder by the day ? I went into Xxxx sports shop on my way to work this morning to change my football top & the male assistant went crazy, what is it with you he screamed, 1st you came in to change your Italy top to a Uruguay top now you want to change the Uruguay top for a Costa Rica top, when will this end...?
I said Friday night probably...
I said Friday night probably...
D
Dotty
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar enjoying a drink after a hard day working away from home.
“You know,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee bar called McManus’. The landlord there really knows how to look after the regulars. After you’ve bought 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.”
“Reminds me of my old local, the Black Horse,” said the Englishman, “the guvnor there always gave me my third drink free.”
“That’s nothing,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there’s O’Malley’s Bar. As soon as you get through the door they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had plenty of drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”
“Fantastic,” said the Englishman, “and this actually happened to you?”
“Not me, personally, no,” said the Irishman “but it happened to my sister!”
“You know,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee bar called McManus’. The landlord there really knows how to look after the regulars. After you’ve bought 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.”
“Reminds me of my old local, the Black Horse,” said the Englishman, “the guvnor there always gave me my third drink free.”
“That’s nothing,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there’s O’Malley’s Bar. As soon as you get through the door they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had plenty of drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”
“Fantastic,” said the Englishman, “and this actually happened to you?”
“Not me, personally, no,” said the Irishman “but it happened to my sister!”
D
Dotty
The wife said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."
Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
We went out when England played.......
Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
We went out when England played.......
Me & my missus favourite sexual position is called the ''England football team'' ! . . .
Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no
communication & we never make it past the 1st stage.
There's horrible dribbling & never a clean sheet.
Its over far too quickly & when it does end I know it'll be at least
another four ****in years before it happens again!
Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no
communication & we never make it past the 1st stage.
There's horrible dribbling & never a clean sheet.
Its over far too quickly & when it does end I know it'll be at least
another four ****in years before it happens again!
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