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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws

A fella joins a silent monastic order..at his induction he is informed that every five years he will be allowed to say two words......after five years hes called in foods cold he says.......another five years on again he is called in ...beds hard he says....another five years on again he is called in....I'm off and leaves the head monkturns to his second in command and says I'm glad he's gone hasn't stopped ******* complaining since he got here............regards Turnpin:smilielol5:
 
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I was in bed with the wife the other night and she said if I turned the bedside light out she'd take it up the arse...

Maybe I should have let it cool down a bit first.
 
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10552.jpg
 
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I just got my wife a man utd bra and she hates it. She says the support is crap and it wont be long before the **** are out of both cups.
 
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A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
 
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Bloke in a pub gets talking to the lady as you do.. then the conversation popped up about having sex and he said he'd never had it before.
Anyway she offered him over later that evening to show how to do a 69
Later there was a knock on the front door, she let's him in and into the bedroom.
She says "take off your clothes! "
He strips off fast.
They get into the sex position and then she accidentally FARTS "prrrrp"
She apologies "I'm sorry it won't happen again"
"Ok", he replied
Third attempt....."prrrp"
"OMG" she said
Bloke then gets up and says "whatever it was I dnno, but aint gner be waiting a round for the 66..
 
My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
 
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Walmart called, your photos are ready!

[DLMURL]http://lets-have-a-beer.com/walmart-called-your-photos-are-done-6947/[/DLMURL]

*Warning - some things cannot be unseen!*
 
Last edited by a moderator:
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David moyes has promised fans that manchester united will be in a major international competition next year,





Even if he has to write the song himself🙂
 
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EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY,ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty each course will accept a maximum of only eight participants.The course covers two days & topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE,DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
 
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Does anyone know of any good reliable vans for sale ??


My mate Roy Cropper is after one.


His old tranny died on him the other night!!
 
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A woman goes to the doctor and says she has an embarrassing problem. The doctor reassures her he will have seen it before. She explains she was sunbathing naked in the garden and went to smell the flowers. As she bent over a bee flew up her bottom. The doctor agrees he has never come across that problem before and scratches his head. After a bit he says he has an idea. If he puts a dab of honey on his *****, slides it in her the bee will be attracted to the honey and follow it out as he withdraws. The woman agrees to the idea and bends over the couch and the doctor enters her. Seconds later the woman is being thrust back and forth. "Doctor what's going on?" she asks. "Change of plan, I'm going to drown it!"
 
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Which raises the question? Why do you have to pay to go one way on the Severn bridge and not the other way? Its the same bridge. I know no other toll like it. Does it encourage the welsh to escape wales and deter anyone from coming in?
 
you have to got to pay to come to wales because none of you English have ever seen a mountain before,people with flippers and a tail are banned so lames not allowed in wales anyway,we would however let a Williams branch open up in Bridgend
 
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Reg Man said:
Which raises the question? Why do you have to pay to go one way on the Severn bridge and not the other way? Its the same bridge. I know no other toll like it. Does it encourage the welsh to escape wales and deter anyone from coming in?
Click to expand...

No, its simple behavioural economics.

Anyone deliberately going to Wales is imposing a penalty on themselves that makes a few quid toll look puny by comparison. Its a bit like having triple bypass surgery, and the surgeon saying "shall we do the ingrowing toenail while you're under the knife?"

On the other hand, people on the way out get into an increased state of excitement as they see the English border get closer. To try to stop them once they can smell freedom is simply too dangerous. 🙂
 
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gas man said:
you have to got to pay to come to wales because none of you English have ever seen a mountain before,people with flippers and a tail are banned so lames not allowed in wales anyway,we would however let a Williams branch open up in Bridgend
Click to expand...

Sorry Mark, not convinced, got no flippers or tail, I go to the lake district, and Yorkshire Dales occasionally and don't even have to pay to go to the Scottish highlands all though they don't like us their too.
 
Reg Man said:
Sorry Mark, not convinced, got no flippers or tail, I go to the lake district, and Yorkshire Dales occasionally and don't even have to pay to go to the Scottish highlands all though they don't like us their too.
Click to expand...
If the vote goes the wrong way, we might have to start paying, still at least there will be no currency exchange charges. LOL
 
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Q. My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A. Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must play with it, either do it in your own time – or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to film yourself whilst doing this – and then present the film to your husband as a birthday present. To ease your guilt perform oral sex on him then cook him a delicious meal.

Q. My husband wants a threesome with my best-friend and me.
A. Clearly, your husband can't get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing – your best-friend. Far from being an issue, this could bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old university friends involved as well – the more the better. If you are still not quite sure, then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q. My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A. You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training! Foreplay to a man is both time consuming and stressful. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no strings attached. Requests for foreplay only indicate that you do not care for your man as much as he thinks you should. Stop being so selfish! To make things up to him, offer to perform oral sex on him - then cook him a nice meal.

[FONT=&amp]Q. My husband continually asks me to perform Oral Sex on him.
A. Do as he says. ***** can help you lose weight and makes your skin glow. Most men know this and his offer to let you do this is a totally self-less act which shows that he loves you. Even better, perform it twice a day then cook him a nice meal.[/FONT]
 
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tamz said:
Q. My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A. Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must play with it, either do it in your own time – or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to film yourself whilst doing this – and then present the film to your husband as a birthday present. To ease your guilt perform oral sex on him then cook him a delicious meal.

Q. My husband wants a threesome with my best-friend and me.
A. Clearly, your husband can't get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing – your best-friend. Far from being an issue, this could bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old university friends involved as well – the more the better. If you are still not quite sure, then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q. My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A. You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training! Foreplay to a man is both time consuming and stressful. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no strings attached. Requests for foreplay only indicate that you do not care for your man as much as he thinks you should. Stop being so selfish! To make things up to him, offer to perform oral sex on him - then cook him a nice meal.

[FONT=&amp]Q. My husband continually asks me to perform Oral Sex on him.
A. Do as he says. ***** can help you lose weight and makes your skin glow. Most men know this and his offer to let you do this is a totally self-less act which shows that he loves you. Even better, perform it twice a day then cook him a nice meal.[/FONT]
Click to expand...

That's why you're never grumpy, eh Tamz??? ;p
 
Q. 3 times now i've walked in the bathroom and caught my husband masterbating. What should i do now.
A. Learn to knock or **** in the sink
 
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Fella moves out in the wilds next to a monastry for peace and quite ....on the 1st Friday night he hears a terrible screeching and wailing and after 1/2 an hour he go's round and bangs on the monastry doors.......whats going on ..whats with all the noise?...Oh we are holding a monks ball came the reply ....well let the poor ufcker go so we can all get some sleep........regards Turnpin
 
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea two prawns were swimming around.

One called James and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day James said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'.

Lo and behold, James turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and James found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

James began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps

the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes James swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, James, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me.

You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

James cried back 'No, I'm not.

That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

(You're going to love this................................)

'I've found Cod.

I'm a Prawn again Christian'
 
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steveb said:
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea two prawns were swimming around.

One called James and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day James said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'.

Lo and behold, James turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and James found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

James began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps

the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes James swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, James, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me.

You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

James cried back 'No, I'm not.

That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

(You're going to love this................................)

'I've found Cod.

I'm a Prawn again Christian'
Click to expand...


Grab your coat
 
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I just got back from the doctors and am devastated to find out I've been infertile since birth.

I have no idea how I'm going to break the news to the wife and kids.
 
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Me and the missis were at a wedding at the weekend.
In to the evening 'do' there was a bit of a commotion on the dance floor and everybody went for a look. There was a guy dancing on his own,
Jesus we was good, doing the old moonwalk, twists, turns, somersaults he made John Travolta look quite normal, anyway herin doors says 'you see that bloke there, yes my sweet I said.
Well she says I could have married him 30 years ago but I turned him down for you.
To which I replied, blimey he had a right let off, looks like hes still celebrating !!!.
 
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What's a woman's ringpiece and a nine volt battery got in common?

You know it's wrong but you can't stop your self licking it.
 
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erpkid said:
Strangely cab sav has become our tipple of choice.......must be an age or maturity/wisdom thing
Click to expand...

I have a less flattering theory.

Our bladders can no longer cope with sufficient beer to get us drunk
Our livers can no longer cope with sufficient spirits to get us drunk

Therefore wine strikes a nice balance for a man of a certain age... 🙂

Or it could be your maturity/wisdom thing. Who knows?
 
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Ray Stafford said:
I have a less flattering theory.

Our bladders can no longer cope with sufficient beer to get us drunk
Our livers can no longer cope with sufficient spirits to get us drunk

Therefore wine strikes a nice balance for a man of a certain age... 🙂

Or it could be your maturity/wisdom thing. Who knows?
Click to expand...

In theory it's a good theory but the theory you theorised is flawed. On both counts.

For one reason and one reason only.

Whisky.
 
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[h=3]Dirty dishes[/h]There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. He's always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a "For Sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition at a very reasonable price. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape".
"Well", says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it". And he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey", she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes".
"No problem", he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.
"Her Mom's gotta good body", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and ravishes her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts: "All right, I'll do the f@(#ing dishes!!"
 
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[h=3]Guide to motorcycle tools[/h]
  • Hammer:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome scooter parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
    [*]Mechanic's knife:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers.
    [*]Electric hand drill:
    Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
    [*]Vice-grips:
    Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
    [*]Oxy-acetylene torch:
    Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
    [*]Zippo lighter:
    See oxy-acetylene torch.
    [*]Whitworth sockets:
    Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
    [*]Drill press:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder.
    [*]Wire wheel:
    Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me 'nother beer, Bubba!"
    [*]Hydraulic bike jack/platform:
    Ingeniously-designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop.
    [*]Eight-foot long Douglas fir 2 x 4:
    Used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike (see above).
    [*]Tweezers:
    A tool for removing wood splinters (see above).
    [*]Phone:
    Tool for calling your neighbor Bubba to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack (see above).
    [*]"Snap-on" gasket scraper:
    Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
    [*]E-Z out bolt and stud extractor:
    A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
    [*]Timing light:
    A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
    [*]Two-ton hydraulic engine hoist:
    A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Goldwing off the floor.
    [*]Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch screwdriver:
    A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
    [*]Battery electrolyte tester:
    A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from scooter battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
    [*]Hacksaw:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    [*]Aviation metal cutters:
    See hacksaw.
    [*]Trouble light:
    The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin" which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
    [*]Phillips screwdriver:
    Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
    [*]Air compressor:
    A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and rounds them off.
 
Breaking news



UKPF's very own croppie has returned to London from Northern Ireland to lend a hand in the flood emergency.It is believed he will be employed as a flood barrier to protect the nations capital.

BgHqZZwCEAEHCcs.jpg
 
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kay-jay said:
Breaking news



UKPF's very own croppie has returned to London from Northern Ireland to lend a hand in the flood emergency.It is believed he will be employed as a flood barrier to protect the nations capital.

BgHqZZwCEAEHCcs.jpg
Click to expand...

Eric Pickles master of the non apology. Sticking the boot in the environment agency.....guess who is next for Serco's ( or equivalents ) warm embrace...sorry this is not funny, especially as he is not the worst !
 

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Barry98,
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stani,
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