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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws

A young newly wed couple are about to see each other naked for the first time...he takes off his socks and she say's oh my god your feet!!.....he say's I had tolio as a young boy ..she said don't you mean polio...he said it was similar but only his toe's were twisted and deformed so he dropped his trousers and again she shrieked what's wrong with your knee's ....as a boy I caught kneesel's only it sounded like measle's but affected just my knee's
Then he took off his boxer short's......and she said oh no you must have caught smallcox as well
Lol ....regards Turnpin:yesnod:
 
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A blonde fed up with hearing joke's about how dim some of them can be told her boyfriend she was going to to kill herself by hanging herself in the bathroom..he took little notice until he heard her scream ....he broke down the bathroom door to find her laying in the bath with the rope tied round the tap's and around one of her big to e's.........if you are going to hang yourself you are meant to put the re round your neck ......she replied I tried that but I couldn't breath.......lol regards Turnpin:biggrin:
 
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437fd9eb69e528639cea6af94b283826.jpg
 
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Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 Times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I’m not bein too forward, I’d luv to ’ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could ’ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,*let me shleep for half an hour,*and we can have better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma Willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens,*and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour,*we can have the besht shex yet. You’ll have to.......’
"I know Sean. Yer want me to ’old onto yer bat ’n balls again. No problem Hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it’s all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis ’oldin yer balls in one hand, and yer Willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the pig stole ma wallet!"
 
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croppie said:
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 Times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I’m not bein too forward, I’d luv to ’ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could ’ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,*let me shleep for half an hour,*and we can have better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma Willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens,*and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour,*we can have the besht shex yet. You’ll have to.......’
"I know Sean. Yer want me to ’old onto yer bat ’n balls again. No problem Hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it’s all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis ’oldin yer balls in one hand, and yer Willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the pig stole ma wallet!"
Click to expand...
Pms!

Very good.
 
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If you had only been at right vent today....

Talking about phones . I was saying how hardy my iPhone was. Threw it, it missed the wall 12' high 20' wide and flew about 40' and then hit the window wall. Apparently my face was a picture. Got up to pick it up..... Phew it was fine . Whole class laughing their **** off.
 
Dr.Dave had slept with one of his patient's and the guilt was giving him some sleepless night's it wasn't helped by the voice's in his head....don't worry you are single and not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you will not be the last .......then the other voice said......but Dr.Dave don't forget that you are a vet...lol ....regards Turnpin:wink5:
 
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turnpin said:
Dr.Dave had slept with one of his patient's and the guilt was giving him some sleepless night's it wasn't helped by the voice's in his head....don't worry you are single and not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you will not be the last .......then the other voice said......but Dr.Dave don't forget that you are a vet...lol ....regards Turnpin:wink5:
Click to expand...


😀 very good one
 
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A women was admitted to hospital today with a hoover pipe wedged up her fanny.
Although she is in intensive care the doctors say she is picking up nicely!!
 
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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
 
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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties the husband to a chair and whilst tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
 
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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from....." "Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."
 
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An old chicken farmer decides to take his best cockrel into town for a treat as he had been working very hard servicing all the hens.They arrive at the cinema and the farmer try`s to buy two tickets for the afternoon matinee....you ain`t bringing that in here the guy in the ticket office tell`s him so the farmer pop`s round the corner and stuff`s the cockrel down his trousers and return`s buy`s a ticket and go`s in and sit`s down next to two old biddie`s.....after a while the cockrel starts getting restless so the farmer unzip`s his flie`sand out pop`s the cockrel`s head...after a few minutes one old girl say`s to her friend....this guy next to me has got the head of his cock sticking out of his fly`s......her friend replie`s ...at our time of life we`ve see just about everything so don`t worry.....I`m not worried she replied ...it`s so annoying it`s eaten half my popcorn.....lol regards Turnpin😉
 
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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughte
 
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I can remember being sat in a Norfolk cinema watching Back To The Future and thinking, "Fcukin hell, he's going to end up shagging his Mum!"

Luckily the usher spotted him fingering her and chucked them out.
 
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I turned to my colleague and asked, "Can you smell burning?"

23 years we've worked together at the Crematorium and that joke never gets old.
 
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Dave's girlfriend left him today.

She said it was because Dave wouldn't stop talking in the third person.
 
I picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off at the park.

She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me.

"You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll be losing those pounds before you know it."

"My ******* scarf's trapped in the door, you w4nker" she replied.
 
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I was truly horrified when I found a grey pube last night.

So I've told Gran she's not allowed to cook my dinner in the nude anymore.
 
A young lad knocked on the door last night and said "Trick or Treat?"
I says "What have you come as?"
He said "A werewolf."
I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes"
He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, ********?"
 
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Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he slapped my arse, grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
 
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croppie said:
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he slapped my arse, grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
Click to expand...

Belly-laughed at that!
 
Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch *****, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'


The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him to. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What exactly did you say to me?'


The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ….. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch *****, my testicles weigh 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.'


The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown'! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."
 
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That Irish bloke (I've 4gotten his name, it comes on so often in Irish jokes?) and his friend are walking down a street when they find TWO grenades lying by the road side. They pick it up and decide to take it to the police station. On their way there, one of them said: ''What if one of the grenade explodes on our way there, what shall we tell the police?'' We will tell them we only found one, says his friend.
 
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the ****!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I confess - I’m a rabbit!"
 
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lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me," says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at?" he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."
 
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The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely, Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his bum. And that Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
 
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Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed
to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
news. The donkey's died'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened
with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made
a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
 
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Man in bar orders a gin and tonic....
Lady next to him, “What a coincidence, I’ve just ordered that”
Man, “I'm Celebrating.”
Lady, “Me too”
Man, “What a coincidence. Why are you celebrating?”
Lady, “My husband and I have tried for four years for a baby and today I’ve found out I’m pregnant.”
Man, “What a coincidence! I am a farmer and for four years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs, today all are laying eggs.”
Lady, “Wow! How did that happen?
Man, “I used a different cock”
Lady smiled, “What a coincidence.”
 
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.An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
 
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I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving, and you should all take heed.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at a pub in town and had a few too many vodies
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough we passed a police road block, but, since it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
 
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Mrs told me this one was on FB....
A ninety year old chap went to the chemist and asked for ******
The assistant returned with a strip
The old boy asks him can you cut each one into 4
The chemist replied at that size they wouldn't really give him the effect he might have hoped for
The old chap said look son I'm 90 years old and lost interest in sex year's ago
The chemist ask's what did he want them for
I only need a them to work just enough so I don't keep p**sing on my feet when I use the loo.....
Lol...regards Turnpin:rofl:
 
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What did the left testicle say to the right testicle? Nothing important, they were just talking b0ll0cks..

See if the sweary filter edits that...
 
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It's the evening rush hour on the underground with plenty of pushing and shoving going on and as the train leaves every station the train is getting more packed ...a beautiful young lady has had enough and turns round to the guy behind her and say's....stop pushing your erection into my body you perv.....the embarrassed guy splutters...... I'll have you know that's my wallet and I've just been paid.......she replied...you must have some feckin job then as you've had four raise's
In the last ten minutes.....lol regards Turnpin :smilielol5:
 
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I can remember my mum running away with the milkman.

I watched as she packed her bags, climbed on his milkfloat and disappeared up the road.

Saddest 3 hours of my life.....
 
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Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the tumble drier for a few minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller.
 
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croppie said:
I can remember my mum running away with the milkman.

I watched as she packed her bags, climbed on his milkfloat and disappeared up the road.

Saddest 3 hours of my life.....
Click to expand...

croppie said:
I can remember my mum running away with the milkman.

I watched as she packed her bags, climbed on his milkfloat and disappeared up the road.

Saddest 3 hours of my life.....
Click to expand...

She did it twice? Was it the same milkman or two different ones? Ernie the fastest milkman in the west, and Pat Mustard!
 
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