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A Scotsman, Englishman and a Welshman were using the urinals .
The Englishman finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular, "At Oxford, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.
The Welsh gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Cardiff University, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.
The Jock man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In Scotland, we learn not to **** on our hands."
The Englishman finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular, "At Oxford, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.
The Welsh gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Cardiff University, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.
The Jock man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In Scotland, we learn not to **** on our hands."
D
Dotty
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained:
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained:
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
R
Ray Stafford
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”
D
Dotty
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. The doctor said "When you feel you are ready to ejaculate try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion he ran home to his wife. At home he found his wife in bed naked and waiting. As the two began they found themselves in the 69 position. The man moments later felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired off the starter pistol. The next day the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?" The man answered "Not that well. When i fired the pistol my wife crapped in my face, bit my *****, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
D
Dotty
Japanese couple having an argument ....
Husband says "Sukitaki !"
Wife replies "Kowanini !"
Husband says "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo !"
Wife on her knees begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji !"
Husband replies angrily "Kina tim kouji !"
And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese ....
You daft bugger!!!
Husband says "Sukitaki !"
Wife replies "Kowanini !"
Husband says "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo !"
Wife on her knees begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji !"
Husband replies angrily "Kina tim kouji !"
And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese ....
You daft bugger!!!
D
Dotty
The other night I went out with the lads.
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with her.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'... She didn't seem upset in the least. Phew, I got away with that one!
Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!"
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with her.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'... She didn't seem upset in the least. Phew, I got away with that one!
Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!"
D
Dotty
I dropped my son off for his first day at school earlier when the mother beside me started crying.
"Are you ok?" I asked.
"Its my daughter's first day," she sobbed. "I'm just a little worried that she won't fit in because of her weight."
"Well the doors are a little narrow," I replied.
"Are you ok?" I asked.
"Its my daughter's first day," she sobbed. "I'm just a little worried that she won't fit in because of her weight."
"Well the doors are a little narrow," I replied.
D
Dotty
I said to my mate, "I started rubbing my wife's clitoris last night and she went mental."
He said, "Wasn't she in the mood?"
I said, "I think it was because I'd used a wire brush!"
He said, "Wasn't she in the mood?"
I said, "I think it was because I'd used a wire brush!"
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