a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Kev the gas]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

On holiday in Thailand, I had a close call and almost ended up shagging a Ladyboy.

She looked like a woman, spoke like a woman.

I didnt expect a thing until she drove me back to the hotel and reversed into a parking space first time ........

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My wife asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.

So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

[desrob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

an irish man spat on the floor and missed..!

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando,
Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The
madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain
him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain
the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!"
and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for
something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do
with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will
do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would
surprise her.

So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a
little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He
whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him
as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in
all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work
herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything
a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man
wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to
teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and
is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink
and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
__________________

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

What a Year (Diary of a Blonde)

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!! !.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!! !

March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn' t find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming
competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm... ..car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911...."duh" ........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!


What a year!!

 

[Resolute]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Three women are about to be executed.

One's a brunette,one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!''

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!''

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out.

The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells,




''FIRE!!!''

​

 

[Resolute]

I keep having visions where I run after the perfect plumbing system.

I should stop before I end up chasing a pipe dream

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine.
I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=2]To make a woman happy[/h]

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

=========================================
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him.
2. Mate with him.
3. Be quiet.

​

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Emile Heskey has revealed that he's been wearing a t-shirt under his top ever since his last goal and will reveal it next time he scores.

It says "Free Nelson Mandela"

 

[Resolute]

I told my girlfriend I wanted to go to a strip club.

She said this to me, she goes, 'What do you want to go to a strip club for? I'll strip for you.'

I was like, 'How great is that? I guess I'll just tell my friends to come over here.'

 

[Resolute]

Wife: I'm leaving you, I've been having an affair.

Husband: you dirty ****ing slag. Get out the house you *****. I never want to see you again. Who is he? Do I know him?

Wife: it's a she, her name is Lisa.

Husband: darling, can we talk about it?

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook.
So Anthony, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?
"Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese, 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun

and I still have £2.74 left over".

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Apparently the buffet at Kim Jon Il's funeral was the dogs bollox..

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it,then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you", he looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?", he spots some cash on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". he hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". the burglar says " what kind of person names his bird moses??" the parrot replies "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTTWEILER "JESUS".

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Italian divers searching the stricken cruise liner have found two scousers still in the bar.
They told the divers to feck-off they're All Inclusive..

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Was watching the news on the telly about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky Newsreader said "She's laying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court"..
I just happened to glance at the wife...then it all kicked off.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour


stupid people
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or The Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The...?
Caller: Mohicans.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know..
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the Middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?>
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci..
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER ..ER .. Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er.... Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .. .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I .. . .
Contestant: Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish..
Presenter: That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus
__________________