- Thread starter Barry98
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Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws
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Ray Stafford
Thanks Howsie. I'm not sure that new PR agency is giving us value for money though... 🙂
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Dotty
I normally pay for a prostitute when I'm down in Glasgow, instead of going out on the pull.
It's a lot cheaper than trying to get a Glaswegian bird ****ed.
It's a lot cheaper than trying to get a Glaswegian bird ****ed.
TEL AVIV, Israel — The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you,
but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling.
It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers,
El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!”
but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling.
It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers,
El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!”
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Rickster123
These ones are the best 🙂
ive told this to a few people when I've been working in their homes - helps them relax after I've sold them a flush 🙂
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Rickster123
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the ****!"
Two pal`s playing golf when when a hearse and cortege drove slowly past the golf course one guy who was just about to tee off stopped took off his cap and bowed his head until it had passed his pal said "that was a jolly decent thing to do to show respect like that" well his mate replied she wasn`t a bad wife really".....lol regards Turnpin:wings:
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Billy Bob Bob
Surgery
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
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Masood
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Barry98
Little Charlie and his friend Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Charlie goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Charlie bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to
ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Charles, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Charlie replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in it nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Charlie instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed. Charlie has put so much thought into this.
"Well Charles, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Charlie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little ****** is adorable.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Charlie goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Charlie bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to
ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Charles, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Charlie replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in it nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Charlie instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed. Charlie has put so much thought into this.
"Well Charles, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Charlie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little ****** is adorable.
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Dotty
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Dotty
I can neither confirm nor deny any such rumours apropo Croppie and the Missing Euromillions......
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julesverne
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Masood
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Barry98
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Billy Bob Bob
The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
...
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them .
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything .
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked
'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered --
'THE TEETH.'
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
...
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them .
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything .
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked
'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered --
'THE TEETH.'
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Billy Bob Bob
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’
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Billy Bob Bob
Cornish 3 Kick Rule
An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes
in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half
An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes
in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half
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Barry98
The Reverend John Flapps!
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland... One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'
The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland... One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'
The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
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Barry98
I took my dog to the dole office to see what he was entitled to. The bloke behind the counter said "You idiot, we don't give benefits to dogs". So l argued "Why not, he's brown, he stinks, he's never worked a day in his life, and he can't speak a word of English". The man replied "His first payment will be Monday"
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Barry98
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PlumbBobBob
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco buying a large bag of Purina Dog Food for my loyal pet, Bailey, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Tesco will not let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Tesco will not let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
not once many many times , and when I tell her where she is doing wrong , I end up been wrong ! cant help women specially when is about there driving
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julesverne
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Dotty
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julesverne
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julesverne
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Plum Bob 66
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Plum Bob 66
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Plum Bob 66
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Dotty
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Plum Bob 66
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Dotty
I don't think normally......
plus i'd just read something in a book about Djibouti which helped!
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Dotty
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
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Dotty
My wife hasn't wanted sex for over a year," complained my friend down the pub.
"That's just not true, mate," I replied without thinking.
"That's just not true, mate," I replied without thinking.
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Plum Bob 66
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Billy Bob Bob
SLEEPING WITH MICK:
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring.
I just watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man…
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse and kissed him good night on the lips.
Mick sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring.
I just watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man…
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse and kissed him good night on the lips.
Mick sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
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