- Thread starter Barry98
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Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws
M
mountainman
K
kay-jay
Somethings you can always count on...
The sun rising and setting and howsie being a sicko 😀
I just knew you'd be first in with the frost jokes. Good un
B
Billy Bob Bob
P
PlumbBobBob
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...
D
Dotty
I think it is absolutely necessary to look at things from a woman's point of view!
Men Will Never Understand Unless We See It From A Womans Point Of View | The Nug
Men Will Never Understand Unless We See It From A Womans Point Of View | The Nug
T
tamz
[FONT=&]
One day a man comes home from work and his wife says, "Darling, we have a dripping tap in the upstairs bathroom, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "Do i look like, a plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Darling, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "Do I look like a mechanic?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining heavy. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Darling, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "Do I look like a roofer?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. the tap is fixed and so is the car.
He asks his wife "How did you get them fixed?".
"Oh, I had a Bob the builder down the road come in and fix them," she says.
"Bloody great! How much has that cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Well thats ok then, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "a fkn baker?"[/FONT]
One day a man comes home from work and his wife says, "Darling, we have a dripping tap in the upstairs bathroom, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "Do i look like, a plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Darling, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "Do I look like a mechanic?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining heavy. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Darling, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "Do I look like a roofer?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. the tap is fixed and so is the car.
He asks his wife "How did you get them fixed?".
"Oh, I had a Bob the builder down the road come in and fix them," she says.
"Bloody great! How much has that cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Well thats ok then, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "a fkn baker?"[/FONT]
K
kay-jay
P
PlumbBobBob
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
B
Barry98
M
mountainman
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK !!* I can’t park the car !!* You do it, you smug ******* !!"
*
back and forth..... in and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK !!* I can’t park the car !!* You do it, you smug ******* !!"
*
B
Bunker
B
Barry98
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those morons at Jewsons deliver the bloody bricks on time.'
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those morons at Jewsons deliver the bloody bricks on time.'
B
Billy Bob Bob
An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the dog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the dog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
M
Masood
In the latest revised version that's been updated:
Plumbers are like call girls, they work their nuts off but the customers moan and moan but are never satisfied and everyone thinks they earn millions...
D
Dotty
Paddy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read:
Cheese Sandwich: €1.50
Chicken Sandwich: €2.50
Hand Job: €10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers Paddy, "are you the one who gives the hand- jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."
Paddy replies "Well, wash ur fecking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!
Cheese Sandwich: €1.50
Chicken Sandwich: €2.50
Hand Job: €10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers Paddy, "are you the one who gives the hand- jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."
Paddy replies "Well, wash ur fecking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!
B
Barry98
In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about, 'what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?'
Answer: Throw in your washing...
We were all having a good laugh about this when this big ******* tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits"
I said, "Oh mate, I'm so sorry. Did he drown?"
"No", he replied. "He choked on a sock"
Answer: Throw in your washing...
We were all having a good laugh about this when this big ******* tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits"
I said, "Oh mate, I'm so sorry. Did he drown?"
"No", he replied. "He choked on a sock"
B
Barry98
R
Rickster123
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
B
Barry98
Fella go's to the doctors about his rear end feeling sore...doc said lets have a look then oooh he says you have a large strawberry wedged in your rse ..what will you do doc said the chap..I will give you some cream for it.......regards Turnpin😀
R
Rickster123
A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.
A neighbour looks over the fence and says:
“Why are you digging that big deep hole?”
“My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
“I'm really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,
“but why such a big deep hole for a goldfish?”
The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside your ****ing cat.”
A neighbour looks over the fence and says:
“Why are you digging that big deep hole?”
“My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
“I'm really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,
“but why such a big deep hole for a goldfish?”
The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside your ****ing cat.”
A wife said to her hubby the doctor rang and wants you to attend an appointment tomorrow at 9 a.m with a ***** ,urine and a stool sample...no can do he said early start on a new job ...that's o.k she said I'll just drop in a pair of your pant's ....regards Turnpin😀
B
Billy Bob Bob
D
Dotty
God breathes life into Adam and tells him... "You are man, my most favored creation, because of this I am going to give you the *****, and the brain."
Adam replies..."Thank you lord, thank you so much, thank you.
God says back to him, "Don't get to excited, there's a catch."
Adam asks, "What is the catch?"
God answers, "I'm only going to give you enough blood in your body to use one of them a time."
Adam replies..."Thank you lord, thank you so much, thank you.
God says back to him, "Don't get to excited, there's a catch."
Adam asks, "What is the catch?"
God answers, "I'm only going to give you enough blood in your body to use one of them a time."
D
Dotty
A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.
Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.
The next day at an awards ceremony for the 6 heroic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.
"What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?", asked the Governor.
"Well," replied the old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old ****ing truck!"
Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.
The next day at an awards ceremony for the 6 heroic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.
"What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?", asked the Governor.
"Well," replied the old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old ****ing truck!"
D
Dotty
Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."
"What?" his father replied.
"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."
"What?" his father replied.
"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure
That reminds me of my time as apprentice, We were lifting floor boards on a heating job, in a bedroom; found a 10" battery operated toy under the bed. OK. What to do with it. We put everything back in to place, when we had finished; except for the toy which my mate, decided to leave on the customers pillow. The next day working was a little anxious with the customer.
J
julesverne
I've just installed a web cam in my bathroom.
You can follow me on ****ter
I just knew it would star the word out but you get ma drift
You can follow me on ****ter
I just knew it would star the word out but you get ma drift
They are in panto at the civic theatre in darlo this December. Me and the wife will be going.
D
Dotty
B
Barry98
J
julesverne
chuckle brothers are ace
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
D
Dotty
J
julesverne
B
Barry98
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me to you to me
D
Dotty
Meanwhile back on topic!
Mrs APPlumbing was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast when Adam walked in.
She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me, this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave her his all, right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks." Then she returned to the stove.
Puzzled at her casual demeanor after such an unusual event, Adam asked, "What was that all about?"
"The egg timer's broken." She replied.....
Mrs APPlumbing was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast when Adam walked in.
She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me, this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave her his all, right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks." Then she returned to the stove.
Puzzled at her casual demeanor after such an unusual event, Adam asked, "What was that all about?"
"The egg timer's broken." She replied.....
Last edited by a moderator:
D
Dotty
An Irish schoolteacher asks her class to use the word "contagious."
Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Seamus speaks up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Seamus speaks up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
D
Dotty
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working," says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" The bartender brings the sandwich and beer. "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for two weeks. Then one day, the circus comes to town. The owner of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender says to him, "You own the circus? Listen, I know this duck that would be brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the circus owner, "get him to give me a call." So, the next day when the duck comes into the pub, the bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I've got it all set. I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck. "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus," says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck inquires. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck looks confused, "What in the hell would they want with a plasterer?"
P
PlumbBobBob
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes!
Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?"
"I did, they're in your tackle box."
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes!
Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?"
"I did, they're in your tackle box."
R
Rickster123
A blonde woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled, and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled, and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"
R
Rickster123
E
Ermintrude
B
Billy Bob Bob
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ****.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ****, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big ****.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ****, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big ****.
T
tamz
A husband comes in from his work to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where do you think you're going?" he says.
"I'm going down to London. You can earn £300 for a blow job there, and I though that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on £300 a year!!!"
"Where do you think you're going?" he says.
"I'm going down to London. You can earn £300 for a blow job there, and I though that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on £300 a year!!!"
T
tamz
I was feeling really depressed last night thinking about state of the health service, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, pensions, etc. so i looked up the number for a suicide hotline and gave them a ring.
I had to press 1 for English and was eventually connected to some call center in Pakistan.
I told them i was feeling suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a bus...
I had to press 1 for English and was eventually connected to some call center in Pakistan.
I told them i was feeling suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a bus...
T
tamz
Alleged true story
A plane flying into Glasgow airport and the pilot comes over the intercom saying,
"We are starting our decent and will shortly be landing in Glasgow. The temperature there tonight is 12 degrees and a light rain. Thank you for flying with cattle class airlines we hope you enjoyed your flight"
He turns to his co pilot, forgetting to turn the mic off and says
"what are you up to tonight when we get in?"
"Oh i'm going for a couple of pints then i'm going to sh ag the rse off that new stewardess, the one with the dark hair"
On hearing this the said stewardess is raging and storms down the isle towards the cabin and tries to squeeze past a wee woman in the isle.
The woman looks at her and says
"its ok pet, there is no rush. He said he was going for a couple of pints first"......
A plane flying into Glasgow airport and the pilot comes over the intercom saying,
"We are starting our decent and will shortly be landing in Glasgow. The temperature there tonight is 12 degrees and a light rain. Thank you for flying with cattle class airlines we hope you enjoyed your flight"
He turns to his co pilot, forgetting to turn the mic off and says
"what are you up to tonight when we get in?"
"Oh i'm going for a couple of pints then i'm going to sh ag the rse off that new stewardess, the one with the dark hair"
On hearing this the said stewardess is raging and storms down the isle towards the cabin and tries to squeeze past a wee woman in the isle.
The woman looks at her and says
"its ok pet, there is no rush. He said he was going for a couple of pints first"......
Big crowd around a film directors pool which contains a croc and a shark ..Any person to swim from one end to the other can have anything money can buy ..suddenly theres a splash and a guy swims as fast as a torpedo and gets out at the other end breathless the director says son that was awesome what would you like to which the guy replies just get me the barsteward who pushed me in .....regards Turnpin:rolleyes2:
D
Dotty
B
Billy Bob Bob
D
Dotty
P
PlumbBobBob
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off
He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
?
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
?
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it Wrong.
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off
He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
?
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
?
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it Wrong.
B
Barry98
*Warning about e-Bay* *
Be careful what you buy on this site.
If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend has just spent $ 195 plus sales tax on a ***** enlarger.
they sent him a magnifying glass.
The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."*
Be careful what you buy on this site.
If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend has just spent $ 195 plus sales tax on a ***** enlarger.
they sent him a magnifying glass.
The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."*
B
Billy Bob Bob
M
Masood
P
PlumbBobBob
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