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Was sitting at the computer earlier and Mrs Croppie says to me "What you doing?"
"Looking for cheap flights." I replied.
She gave me a massive kiss and a cuddle and says I'm the best husband in the world.







Strange really, ........ She's never shown any interest in darts before!
 
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ImageUploadedByTapatalk1373738969.929599.jpg
 
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My daughter's hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 4 hours looking for it.

No luck though, he definitely wasn't in the pub.
 
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A woman was in Hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off bananas"
 
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I find it ironic that to close **** videos on my phone I have to press the "done" button.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2
 
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My doctor encouraged me to ********** more often.

Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2
 
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After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks... "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
 
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My premature ejaculation problem is getting out of hand.

I've never managed to finish typing 'p0rnhub''.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2
 
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A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from

the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer

answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him

the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.

On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,

' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.

I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer

golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.

'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,

and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,

'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,

'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.

'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer,
I would but im a Catholic Priest ina rather small Parish
 
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[h=5]A young ventriloquist is touring around the countryside. One night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype us blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this buddy! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!![/h]
 
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[h=5]I've been playing a few pranks on the missus recently. Last night I replaced her sleeping tablets with laxatives just before we got into bed.

Unfortunately it back fired on me.[/h]
 
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Me and the wife were enjoying a steamy shower together last night:

"Your **** look great all soapy and warm."

"Stop taking the **** or I'm getting out" I replied
 
Actually a true story this:

I was in the lift earlier on my way to the pub for a few scoops and a 6' 2" Chinese girl (might have been a man) got in on the 3rd floor. Her right nipple - big brown thing, was popping out of her skimpy top and with the lift being really small, was about 2 inches from my face.

She was a minger.
 
An English lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?”
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me into there;”
“He removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long"
 
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" G'day mate, Fosters Helpline .....
What's the problem mate?"


" Hi Guys, Im in Australia with the girl friend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet,
and now her Fanny has completely closed up"


"Bummer Mate....."


"Thanks Guys, that's what I thought too.
Bye..."
 
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
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I don't think it's fair that Babestation are only allowed to show boobs late at night: BBC Parliament are allowed to show knobs all day.




"Every time I see you, you have a beer can in your hand. Are you becoming an alcoholic?!" screamed the missus.


I just told her yes, because it was much easier than admitting to her that last week my mate Dave dared me to glue it to my hand just to see what would happen.






"Hi, I'm Jane," she said.


"I'm Christopher," I replied, "but everyone calls me Dick for short."


"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.


"You ask nicely," I said.
 
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Classic ....Turnpin
 
[h=5]Retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to docks once more for old times sake.He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's going at it as best he can for a guy his age.

The old sailor asks "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies "Well Sailor you're doingabout 3 knots."

"3 knots?" he replies, "Whats that supposed to mean?"

She says "Your knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your f**kin money back
"[/h]
 
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[h=5]A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.

'Not a chance' says the husband 'It's three o'clock in the morning!' He closes the door and returns to bed.

'Who was it?' asks his wife.

'Just a stranger asking for a push' he answers.

'Did you help him? she asks.

'No I didn't, it's three in the morning'

'Well you've got a short memory' says his wife, 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.'

The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes', comes the answer.

'Do you still want a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband

'Over here on the swing' the man replies.[/h]
 
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My wife and I seem to have different views on why are sex life has fizzled.

For instance, she bought me ****** and I bought her a gym membership.
 
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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid that there might be something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist, so she did.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."

So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem velly bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."
 
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I was in a bar with my mate Dave last night when we noticed a group of fit girls sat in the corner.

So, without any hesitation at all, we started dancing near them.

After about 10 minutes I wiped the sweat off my forehead and said, "Dave, I don't think this is working."

"Me neither," he replied breathlessly, "Perhaps we could do with some music."
 
Paddy go's to a brothel keen to try 69 what his workmates keep going on about after a minute the brass lets out a small fart sorry about that and they continue a few minutes later she does the same thats it I'm off he roars ....why so Paddy ...I can't be doing with another 67 of those....... regards Turnpin
 
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A father was passing by his son's bedroom was surprised to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up and tidy. Then he noticed an envelope sitting on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' Fearing the worst he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I've eloped with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and my mum. I am in love with Stacy and she is so nice but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and also the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only because i love her with a passion...Dad, she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy together and will get by ok.
She has a caravan in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad, I might only still be 15 but I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your Son
Johnny

P.S. - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Bill's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the exam results that are in my desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
 
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Two old women were sitting outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the old dears pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The other lady asked, "What's that?" "A condom," the lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked. "You can get them at any chemists."

The next day, the second lady hobbled herself down to the local chemist and asked the pharmacist for a box of condoms.
The guy looked at the 80 year old and thought it strange but politely asked what brand she would like.

"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel!"
 
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The police pulled over a car being driven by a black male aged about 21. He had full tax, insurance & MOT, wasn't driving erratically or under the influence of drink or drugs.. There were no firearms or offensive weapons in the car and the car wasn't stolen.

They fined him £60 for wasting police time
 
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A city gent is sitting on the inter city 6.55 into London he becomes aware of a scruffy labourer type sitting opposite him doing the Times crossword and thinks to himself he wouldn`t have a clue he then see`s the scruffy chap appear to fill in something on the crossword and can hardly contain himself he is almost bursting to find out what the chap has has written at London Bridge the labourer get`s off and leave`s the paper behind quick as a flash he swipes up the paper look`s at the puzzle and see`s the word TOAST filled in he then look`s down at 14 across to see the clue......TOO EGG ON .......regards Turnpin
 
You Picked The Wrong House!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said..
“Jesus knows you’re here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”
“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus’ ”
 
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When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a *****?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it."
 
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Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
 
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*
Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.*Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and*buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
*
 
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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
 
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JUST FRED - Humor
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
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After shagging Cheryl Cole yesterday, I think there are two things you should all know..



First, her beaver is tight as fcuk, a real struggle to get in.



Second the staff at Madame Tussauds are miserable sods with no sense of humour.
 
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"Have you ever done anything you regret?", I asked my new girlfriend.

"Yes", she replied, "the Edinburgh Tattoo."

"Didn't you enjoy it?", I asked.

"I did at first" she said, "but there was a lot of them."
 
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[TABLE="width: 789"]
[TR]
[TD]I was sat watching **** on the television last night,there was a fat man crying and wanking.
Then I realised the T.V. wasn't switched on...[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
 
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