O
on31ll
there all on emails so tend to be a bit longer ! sorry for the people that struggle reading like tom !
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Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws
O
on31ll
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
O
on31ll
The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"
Susie says, "We need a computer"
Wendy says, "We need a car"
Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"
Susie says, "We need a computer"
Wendy says, "We need a car"
Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"
O
on31ll
i went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"
O
on31ll
I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.
She said, "Have you got a nickname?"
"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"
"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled
"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"
She said, "Have you got a nickname?"
"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"
"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled
"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"
O
on31ll
O
on31ll
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.
Barmanasks, "What's wrong with Stout?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was ****ing skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Barmanasks, "What's wrong with Stout?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was ****ing skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
O
on31ll
A man approaches a young woman in a shop.
He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a fewminutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with **** like yours, she appears out of ****ing nowhere!"
He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a fewminutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with **** like yours, she appears out of ****ing nowhere!"
O
on31ll
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the ****ing field were you before you realised it was caught?"
O
on31ll
a blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
O
on31ll
Mr Camoron was at a Scottish school and asking the children the difference between the words accident and tragedy and there meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Camoron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"Incorrect," said Camoron. "That would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not", explained Camoron, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Camoron searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, little Joe raised his hand and said: "If a plane carrying you and Mr. Clogg and Mr. Milliban', was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic" exclaimed Camoron, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well", said Joe,
"it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either!"
The teacher asked Mr Camoron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"Incorrect," said Camoron. "That would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not", explained Camoron, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Camoron searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, little Joe raised his hand and said: "If a plane carrying you and Mr. Clogg and Mr. Milliban', was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic" exclaimed Camoron, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well", said Joe,
"it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either!"
O
on31ll
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
O
on31ll
A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!
She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.
She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!
She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.
O
on31ll
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
O
on31ll
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
O
on31ll
There was a very self-sufficient blind man, who did a lot of traveling alone. He was making his first trip to Texas and happened to be seated next to a Texan on the flight.
The Texan spent a lot of time telling him how everything is bigger and better in Texas. By the time the blind man had reached his destination, a large resort hotel, he was very excited about being in Texas.
The long trip had worn him out a little so he decided to stop at the bar for a small soda and a light snack before going up to his room to unpack this clothes.
When the waitress set down his drink, it was in a huge mug. "Wow, I had heard everything in Texas is bigger," he told her.
"That's right,"she replied. The blind man ate his snack and finished his drink. After drinking such a large amount, it was only natural his next stop was going to have to be the restroom. He asked the waitress for directions. She told him to turn left at the register and it would be the second door on the right.
He reached the first door and continued down the hall. A few steps later he stumbled slightly and missed the second door altogether and ended up going through the 3rd door instead. Not realizing he had entered the swimming area he walked forward and immediately fell into the swimming pool.
Remembering everything he had heard about things being bigger in Texas, as soon as he had his head above water he started shouting "Don't flush! Don't flush!"
The Texan spent a lot of time telling him how everything is bigger and better in Texas. By the time the blind man had reached his destination, a large resort hotel, he was very excited about being in Texas.
The long trip had worn him out a little so he decided to stop at the bar for a small soda and a light snack before going up to his room to unpack this clothes.
When the waitress set down his drink, it was in a huge mug. "Wow, I had heard everything in Texas is bigger," he told her.
"That's right,"she replied. The blind man ate his snack and finished his drink. After drinking such a large amount, it was only natural his next stop was going to have to be the restroom. He asked the waitress for directions. She told him to turn left at the register and it would be the second door on the right.
He reached the first door and continued down the hall. A few steps later he stumbled slightly and missed the second door altogether and ended up going through the 3rd door instead. Not realizing he had entered the swimming area he walked forward and immediately fell into the swimming pool.
Remembering everything he had heard about things being bigger in Texas, as soon as he had his head above water he started shouting "Don't flush! Don't flush!"
O
on31ll
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
T
TomLane
Don't mind a long one, it's just that when I'm working I haven't got time to read them all, unlike you who obviously has more time than the rest of us to post them, as you're obviously not working hard enough!
O
on31ll
B
Billy Bob Bob
>There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
>what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us
>have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
>
>An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
>desk...
>
>The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
>
>"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
>
>The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
>crowded waiting room and say things like that."
>
>"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
>
>The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
>room
>full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your
>ear
>or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
>private."
>
>The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
>strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.
>
>The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
>
>The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
>
>"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
>
>The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
>advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
>
>"I can't **** out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in
>laughter
>what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us
>have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
>
>An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
>desk...
>
>The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
>
>"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
>
>The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
>crowded waiting room and say things like that."
>
>"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
>
>The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
>room
>full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your
>ear
>or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
>private."
>
>The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
>strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.
>
>The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
>
>The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
>
>"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
>
>The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
>advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
>
>"I can't **** out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in
>laughter
T
TomLane
Some women like flowers, others like something a little more sexy, so I've combined the two.
Hope my wife likes her daffodildo.
Hope my wife likes her daffodildo.
D
Dotty
*** MAN RULES ***
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a ***? Superb.
11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the accountant later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a ***? Superb.
11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the accountant later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
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Various parts of a farmers anatomy were deciding who had the worst job...The foot started saying his was the worst job as the farmer only washed him once a week shoved him in a damp smelly sock and then into a stinky damp wellington and made him walk about in the freezing cold all day ..then the hand said his job was the worst because he too rarely was washed but he was out in all weathers and the farmer never wore gloves to help keep him warm and dry...the the farmers old chap piped up you don't know how lucky you both are I`m fast asleep and someome wakes me shoves me into this rubber sack pushes me into a dark damp tunnel and makes me do press up`s till I`m sick ....regards turnpin:biggrin5:
O
on31ll
D
Dotty
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that the decided to return to the clubhouse for help.
Her pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she replied.
"Where?" He asked.
She said, "Between the first and second hole."
He nodded knowingly and said, "Your stance is too wide."
Her pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she replied.
"Where?" He asked.
She said, "Between the first and second hole."
He nodded knowingly and said, "Your stance is too wide."
D
Dotty
D
Dotty
I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.
B
Billy Bob Bob
Cameron and Clegg are on a plane, Cameron looked at Clegg, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a £1,000 note out of the window right now and make somebody happy."
Clegg shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten £100 notes out of the window and make ten people happy"
Hearing… their exchange, the pilot said to his co-pilot,"Such big-shots, I could throw both of them out of the window and make 30 million people ecstatic!"
Clegg shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten £100 notes out of the window and make ten people happy"
Hearing… their exchange, the pilot said to his co-pilot,"Such big-shots, I could throw both of them out of the window and make 30 million people ecstatic!"
T
TomLane
B
Billy Bob Bob
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those ******s at Jewsons deliver the ****ing bricks on time.'
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those ******s at Jewsons deliver the ****ing bricks on time.'
O
on31ll
Irish are the Best!
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
O
on31ll
--
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
O
on31ll
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no toilet paper on this side either.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no toilet paper on this side either.
O
on31ll
A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day..'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day..'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that
O
on31ll
A withered old hag finds a young man about to jump off a bridge.
"Tell me young man - what in the world is so terrible that you want to end it all?"
"Well," says the young man, "I've just been fired from my job, my girlfriend has left me and I'm about to be evicted from my flat."
"That's terrible," says the old hag, "What would you do if I told you I was a powerful witch, and I could get your job and your girlfriend back, and stop you being evicted."
"That would be amazing," said the young man, "can you do it?"
"Yes - but at a price!" says the old hag.
"What do I have to do?" asks the young man.
"Come home and have sex with me all night long - and if you can make me ****** at least 5 times I'll grant your wish." the old hag replies.
The young man looks at the old hag, ugly fat and wrinkled as she is, and reluctantly says "well if it'll get my life back to how it was it'll be worth it."
So they go back to the old hags house, and he spends all night pleasuring the woman.
After several hours, the old woman finally has her fifth ****** - and immediately the young man gets up and starts to get dressed.
"Tell me, young man, how old are you?" says the hag.
"I'll be 29 in a couple of months time." he replies.
"Tell me young man - what in the world is so terrible that you want to end it all?"
"Well," says the young man, "I've just been fired from my job, my girlfriend has left me and I'm about to be evicted from my flat."
"That's terrible," says the old hag, "What would you do if I told you I was a powerful witch, and I could get your job and your girlfriend back, and stop you being evicted."
"That would be amazing," said the young man, "can you do it?"
"Yes - but at a price!" says the old hag.
"What do I have to do?" asks the young man.
"Come home and have sex with me all night long - and if you can make me ****** at least 5 times I'll grant your wish." the old hag replies.
The young man looks at the old hag, ugly fat and wrinkled as she is, and reluctantly says "well if it'll get my life back to how it was it'll be worth it."
So they go back to the old hags house, and he spends all night pleasuring the woman.
After several hours, the old woman finally has her fifth ****** - and immediately the young man gets up and starts to get dressed.
"Tell me, young man, how old are you?" says the hag.
"I'll be 29 in a couple of months time." he replies.
"29 hey? A bit old to believe in witches aren't you?"
O
on31ll
Beware of double speak in job descriptions
"Join our fast-paced company": We have no time to train you properly, offer encouragement, or thanks.
"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience": You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
"Requires team leadership skills": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect
"Join our fast-paced company": We have no time to train you properly, offer encouragement, or thanks.
"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience": You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
"Requires team leadership skills": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect
O
on31ll
Presbyterian&nb sp;:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER :
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
THE EYES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY :
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY :
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE
Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER :
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
THE EYES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY :
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY :
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE
Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
O
on31ll
I've been suspended from school for another 3 days, When my science teacher asked me what my favourite element was, karate chopping her and saying "element of surprise" was wrong!.
O
on31ll
Police marksmen were positioned to give cover to officers and Bailiffs on the ground during the Dale Farm evictions.
They were allowed 3 shots....between them..... they won a Goldfish, a cuddly toy and a large inflatable hammer
They were allowed 3 shots....between them..... they won a Goldfish, a cuddly toy and a large inflatable hammer
O
on31ll
O
on31ll
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ....'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figureit out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric,
the little *******.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ....'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figureit out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric,
the little *******.
O
on31ll
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
O
on31ll
A guy charged into a bank today wearing a balaclava and wielding a gun.
He made people lie down while he stuffed money into his bag.
As he tried to leave one brave guy ran at him, failed to overpower him,
But did pull his balaclava off. The robber shot him.
He then shouted 'did anyone else see my face' most people looked down
at the floor but one guy looked at him, so the robber shot him as well.
He then shouted 'did anyone else see my face' and after a short silence
A voice was heard from a far corner 'I think my missus got a glimpse....
He made people lie down while he stuffed money into his bag.
As he tried to leave one brave guy ran at him, failed to overpower him,
But did pull his balaclava off. The robber shot him.
He then shouted 'did anyone else see my face' most people looked down
at the floor but one guy looked at him, so the robber shot him as well.
He then shouted 'did anyone else see my face' and after a short silence
A voice was heard from a far corner 'I think my missus got a glimpse....
O
on31ll
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Do you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Do you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
O
on31ll
Did you ever stop and wonder.....
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!)
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!)
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
O
on31ll
A Mexican, an Arab,
and a Yorkshire Lass are
in the same bar.
When the Mexican
finishes his beer,
he throws his glass
in the air, pulls
out
out
his pistol, and
shoots
shoots
the glass
to pieces.
to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico,
our glasses are so
cheap we don't need
to drink with the
same one twice.'
same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously
impressed by this,
drinks non-alcohol beer
(cuz he's a Muslim!),
throws it into the
air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the
Arab World, we have
so much sand to make
glasses that we don't
need to drink with
the same one twice either.'
The Yorkshire Lass,
cool as a cucumber,
picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into
the air, whips out her
shotgun, and shoots the
Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass,
setting it on the bar, and calling
for a refill,
setting it on the bar, and calling
for a refill,
she says,
'In Yorkshire,
'In Yorkshire,
we have so many
illegal immigrants that
we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice.'
drink with the same ones twice.'
>
God Bless Yorkshire !!
O
on31ll
Excerpt from a Dog's Diary...
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
8:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity....
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
I continue to make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they made condescending remarks about what a 'good little hunter' I am. *******s.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. ...For now.
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
8:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity....
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
I continue to make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they made condescending remarks about what a 'good little hunter' I am. *******s.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. ...For now.
O
on31ll
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "@#$%& Off" to "Let's get the *******s". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled" So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "@#$%& Off" to "Let's get the *******s". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled" So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
O
on31ll
Like all people who are involved in flying vehicles through the sky, Father Christmas has to have a pilot's license. That means regular visits by examiners from the Civil Aviation Authority.
Well, shortly before the Christmas in question, an examiner turned up from the CAA to test Father Christmas' skills as a pilot and check out his sledge.
Father Christmas had made sure his paperwork was in order, given his sledge a good cleaning and made sure the reindeer were in good shape and was quite confident that he would pass the examination okay, as he always had before.
The examiner looked through all the paperwork and had no problems with that. He walked slowly around the sledge, kicking the runners as he went along. He checked the harnesses, checked the reindeer's feet, did some power/weight ratio calculations and generally gave the impression that he was happy with everything.
Then came the pilot evaluation. Father Christmas climbed into the sledge, fastened his seat harness, checked the gauge panel and said a few encouraging words to the reindeer. Then the examiner climbed onboard and Father Christmas was astonished to see that he was carrying a shotgun.
"What are you going to do with that?" said Father Christmas, with more than a little concern.
Well, shortly before the Christmas in question, an examiner turned up from the CAA to test Father Christmas' skills as a pilot and check out his sledge.
Father Christmas had made sure his paperwork was in order, given his sledge a good cleaning and made sure the reindeer were in good shape and was quite confident that he would pass the examination okay, as he always had before.
The examiner looked through all the paperwork and had no problems with that. He walked slowly around the sledge, kicking the runners as he went along. He checked the harnesses, checked the reindeer's feet, did some power/weight ratio calculations and generally gave the impression that he was happy with everything.
Then came the pilot evaluation. Father Christmas climbed into the sledge, fastened his seat harness, checked the gauge panel and said a few encouraging words to the reindeer. Then the examiner climbed onboard and Father Christmas was astonished to see that he was carrying a shotgun.
"What are you going to do with that?" said Father Christmas, with more than a little concern.
"I shouldn't tell you this, but we have to see how you handle this craft when you lose an engine on take-off."
B
Billy Bob Bob
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
B
Billy Bob Bob
WOMEN -
Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible.
My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours.
Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...
MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?
- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home.
Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fecking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to ***.
In the end, I was so pished off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about feck knows what!
Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible.
My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours.
Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...
MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?
- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home.
Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fecking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to ***.
In the end, I was so pished off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about feck knows what!
B
Billy Bob Bob
CLAIM, CLAIM
Were you abused by a celebrity in the seventies or eighties ?
Did Jim fix it for you ?
Were you one of Rolf's two little boys ?
Did you get serviced in Kevin Webster's Garage ?
Did you play in It's A Knockout ?
REMEMBER - Where there's a stain there's a claim !!
Simply text MYARSEISSTILLSORE ... to Max Clifford 07716281079 to start your fraudulent claim !!!
Put some Glitter back in your life !
Were you abused by a celebrity in the seventies or eighties ?
Did Jim fix it for you ?
Were you one of Rolf's two little boys ?
Did you get serviced in Kevin Webster's Garage ?
Did you play in It's A Knockout ?
REMEMBER - Where there's a stain there's a claim !!
Simply text MYARSEISSTILLSORE ... to Max Clifford 07716281079 to start your fraudulent claim !!!
Put some Glitter back in your life !
P
Plum Bob 66
B
Billy Bob Bob
one for bod
An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Manchester... There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to Blackburn, Darwen, Burnley, Rochdale and Littleborough. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone.
He arrived in Todmorden, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son. It's a local call.
An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Manchester... There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to Blackburn, Darwen, Burnley, Rochdale and Littleborough. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone.
He arrived in Todmorden, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son. It's a local call.
B
Barry98
D
Dotty
B
Billy Bob Bob
Why does he look like the night 😀
www.thepoke.co.uk/2013/06/05/an-early-tribe-deals-with-a-population-problem
www.thepoke.co.uk/2013/06/05/an-early-tribe-deals-with-a-population-problem
T
TomLane
I thought you didn't do Facebook? How would you know about this?!? ;-)
Someone just sent it me on my phone
i don't do Facebook, you're right, its for looooosers 🙂
T
TomLane
That old chestnut.
What's the matter, afraid we might see all your pictures of you in compromising situations?!?!
Couldn't get any worse than the abuse given on here!
D
Dotty
I went hunting today and shot a rabbit. Got it between the eyes on my first attempt.
I'm glad my neighbour kept him in a hutch, it made it a lot easier.
I'm glad my neighbour kept him in a hutch, it made it a lot easier.
D
Dotty
I gazed into her eyes
My heart was pounding
Lips trembling, unable to speak
Sweat forming on my brow.
She opened her petite little mouth and uttered three words I'll never forget.
"That's him Officer"
My heart was pounding
Lips trembling, unable to speak
Sweat forming on my brow.
She opened her petite little mouth and uttered three words I'll never forget.
"That's him Officer"
D
Dotty
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
A guy spends the night with a lady of ill repute who is very keen on foreplay..."slip a finger in me now two now put your hand in ...now the other one...now put them bpth in upto the elbows ..so he doe's as she request's now clap ...your having a laugh he say's no your right she say's I am a bit tight arn't I......regards turnpin:aureola:
J
julesverne
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but
the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were
amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.
Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was,
however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was
interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters
staff.
The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it
was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him,
'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered,
'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'
The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was
even better. The General then asked him the same question,
'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,
'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with a old Sergeant Major, an
Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit,
looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice
anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,
'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly
observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do
you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard
to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'
the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were
amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.
Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was,
however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was
interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters
staff.
The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it
was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him,
'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered,
'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'
The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was
even better. The General then asked him the same question,
'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,
'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with a old Sergeant Major, an
Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit,
looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice
anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,
'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly
observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do
you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard
to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'
A bloke at work was jailed last week for having a video on his mobile of a girl being raped.
serves him right for stealing my phone.
serves him right for stealing my phone.
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