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- Thread starter Barry98
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Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws
K
kay-jay
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Billy Bob Bob
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Billy Bob Bob
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Billy Bob Bob
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Rickster123
You mean whether? .... Schools in the midlands not much cop either then?!
This is your comment for today that makes me hate you a tiny piece more.
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Billy Bob Bob
if you had not said it was a picture you could have had the joke going a lot longer,my comment links broke was designed to see how many else would say the same,the school you went to in brum should have taught you not to shout out in class
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Billy Bob Bob
you will have to use words he can understand john, he has a limited vocabulary and looking at his spelling English was not his favorite in school LOL
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Dotty
My mate's wife rang me at home today.
She said, "Have you seen my husband?"
I said, "No, not since yesterday."
"I knew he was lying!" she screamed, "He told me that he's been at your house all night!"
"Erm... he... has," I replied.
She said, "You're just sticking up for him now! You just said that you hadn't seen him since this yesterday."
"Er... I haven't," I replied. "We've been playing hide and seek."
She said, "Have you seen my husband?"
I said, "No, not since yesterday."
"I knew he was lying!" she screamed, "He told me that he's been at your house all night!"
"Erm... he... has," I replied.
She said, "You're just sticking up for him now! You just said that you hadn't seen him since this yesterday."
"Er... I haven't," I replied. "We've been playing hide and seek."
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TomLane
I didn't feel I could say much when I caught my son masturbating.
To be fair, neither of us should've been in his sister's wardrobe.
To be fair, neither of us should've been in his sister's wardrobe.
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TomLane
Wife ..I 'm taking Billy to the doc's this morning as I'm concerned his willy is not as big as it should be
Husband you worry too much see you later I'm off to work
Doc examines boy and tell his Mum don't worry feed him plenty of hot buttered toast 3 time's a day for two week's and you will soon see a change
so the boy come's home from school that day to be met with a tower of toast on the table.....cor is that all mine Mum
no Billy just the two slice's on the top ....the rest is for your father.......regards turnpin
Husband you worry too much see you later I'm off to work
Doc examines boy and tell his Mum don't worry feed him plenty of hot buttered toast 3 time's a day for two week's and you will soon see a change
so the boy come's home from school that day to be met with a tower of toast on the table.....cor is that all mine Mum
no Billy just the two slice's on the top ....the rest is for your father.......regards turnpin
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TomLane
Good stuff, I did find the joke could be a bit close to the line but knew it would be taken in the light it was meant!
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tamz
I'm not saying how many times I pressed it. I'm to embarrassed. I showed it to my kids to make myself feel better but they noticed it straight away.
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Dotty
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
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Dotty
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.
The Italian said, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie said, "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife ,y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ...wow! that's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
The Italian said, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie said, "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife ,y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ...wow! that's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
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Dotty
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Masood
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kay-jay
In NFL in draft week. The fantasy (American) football league begins.
Just ahead of this the stars of the sport show off their skills
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxN0MFHSMpE&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Just ahead of this the stars of the sport show off their skills
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxN0MFHSMpE&feature=youtube_gdata_player
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TomLane
A few years ago, my wife told me that the pain of childbirth was indescribable.
Fair play to her though, every chance she gets, she tries.
Fair play to her though, every chance she gets, she tries.
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Masood
My new girlfriend and I had our 9th date last night. We've always gone out to eat previously so we decided for a change to watch the new movie. Our relationship so far can best be described as:
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Batman!
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Batman!
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Masood
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Billy Bob Bob
http://sboisse.free.fr/fun/ecran.swf
how to remove dust from the inside of your pc screen
how to remove dust from the inside of your pc screen
Make sure the kids, Mother In law, esteemed Clergy are not present when using this tool.
Emmm I'll leave the clergy warning to your own discretion, some may expect you to exchange site names, bookmarks etc 🙂
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Billy Bob Bob
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TomLane
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Masood
Paddy meet`s Mick coming out of confession at church did father O`Shea forgive your sin`s ..no say`s Mick I told him I had been unfaithful to the Wife..Father said with who were you unfaithful ..I can`t say father ..then let me help you my son was it Mrs O`reilly ..no father...was it Freda O`flannagen ..no father.. was it Mary O'Connor...no father ..well my son I cannot forgive your sin`s go and come back when you feel you can tell me...Paddy say`s that`s a shame then ..not really said Mick I got three hot tip`s while I was there...regards turnpin:35:
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Dotty
Hopefully I'm not the only one who panicked trying to shut the tab before SWMBO turned round and see that.......
All I could hear in my head was a high pitched shrieking and "Turnitoffturnitoffturnitoff!"
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Billy Bob Bob
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
---
A little ****ed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?
---
A little ****ed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?
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Dotty
[h=5]A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.
“Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?” he asked.
“Yes I do.” she replied.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes I remember.”
“Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.’Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail’?”
“Yes I do”, she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, ” You know I would have gotten out today.”[/h]
“What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.
“Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?” he asked.
“Yes I do.” she replied.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes I remember.”
“Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.’Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail’?”
“Yes I do”, she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, ” You know I would have gotten out today.”[/h]
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Dotty
I stopped a woman as she walked out of the supermarket today and said, "Excuse me, do you mind unzipping your jacket for me please?"
"I'm not a thief!" she replied.
"Nobody is calling you a thief," I said, "Just quickly unzip it and then you can be on your way."
"Happy now?" she huffed, holding it wide open.
"Totally," I said, "Your **** are ****ing amazing."
"I'm not a thief!" she replied.
"Nobody is calling you a thief," I said, "Just quickly unzip it and then you can be on your way."
"Happy now?" she huffed, holding it wide open.
"Totally," I said, "Your **** are ****ing amazing."
On a plane a man sit`s down next to a stunning blond interlectual type reading a book about men of the world ."excuse me but that look`s interesting" .."yes she say`s did you know that the red indian apache tribe were reknown for their long sexual organ`s and that Polish men actually have the most sexual stamina in the northern hemisphere..?" I`m Dr Mary Smith from Harvard university in the USA....Oh replie`s the man Tonto waskanski from the UK how do you do?.....regards turnpin:lol:
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Masood
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on31ll
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Resolute
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Dotty
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Masood
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Masood
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on31ll
BATH NIGHT IN SCOTLAND
A Scottish couple took in a pretty girl as a lodger.
The girl asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath,
although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pub*c hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress
and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the pubic hair department --very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night when the husband came in the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Sure," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why are you worried about that?" she asked, "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hasn't!"
A Scottish couple took in a pretty girl as a lodger.
The girl asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath,
although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pub*c hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress
and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the pubic hair department --very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night when the husband came in the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Sure," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why are you worried about that?" she asked, "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hasn't!"
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on31ll
The irish prostitute
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!!?
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... As ye wish.
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a PROTESTANT ! !
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!!?
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... As ye wish.
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a PROTESTANT ! !
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'
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on31ll
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So... I just switched the heads."
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So... I just switched the heads."
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on31ll
A Manitoulin Island Indian picks up a hooker off the streets of Sudbury .
'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
He says 'You do Indian style?'
'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 do it Indian style'
'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.
'I pay you $300'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400'
'No', she says.
So finally he says,
'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style..'
She thinks,
'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every
part of the world. How bad could Indian Style be?'
So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in
every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and
disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style?'
The Indian replies "you send bill to government."
'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
He says 'You do Indian style?'
'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 do it Indian style'
'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.
'I pay you $300'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400'
'No', she says.
So finally he says,
'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style..'
She thinks,
'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every
part of the world. How bad could Indian Style be?'
So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in
every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and
disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style?'
The Indian replies "you send bill to government."
A fella come`s home from the pub and say`s to his wife the old sex life is a bit stale and listening the other guy`s in the pub we need to try some different positions.. what do you suggest ..well we could try the wheelbarrow where you go on all fours and when I`m behind you, you place your legs under my arm pit`s we then engage and as I push you move along...O.k she say`s on two condition`s anything my sweet what are they 1.you must promise not to hurt me... never my love 2.you promise not to steer me past my mum`s house at the bottom of the street ....regards turnpin:tongue3:
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TomLane
GAY TEST
Below you will see a picture of two identical dolphins.
If you see any differences, you are gay!!
Below you will see a picture of two identical dolphins.
If you see any differences, you are gay!!
A woman goe`s to her doctor`s and the Doc said you may be pregnant go home and come back tomorrow with a sample.She tell`s her hubbie but she is unsure what a sample is he suggest`s she ask`s the woman next door who has plenty of kid`s so off she goe`s 10 minutes`s later she come`s back looking like she`s done a few round`s with a boxer"what happened to you" he asked to which she replied " all I said to her was what is a sample ...and she told me to pish in a bottle so I told her to shyt in her hat and the fight started from there.....regards turnpin:uhoh2:
GAY TEST
Below you will see a picture of two identical dolphins.
If you see any differences, you are gay!!
but i see 3
M
Masood
O
on31ll
Three aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said,
'I'll betcha a case of beer you are...'
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said,
'I'll betcha a case of beer you are...'
O
on31ll
WARNING to all those who shop at ASDA, TESCO, SAFEWAYS, MORRISONS, ROWANS or
FORSYTHS
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam
while out shopping. Simply dropping into Asda for a bit of shopping turned
out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't
happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
... Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year old girls come over to
your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start
cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy
T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and
instead ask you for a lift to the town centre.....
You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to
remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling
all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against
you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th. On December 1st, 4th, 6th and twice yesterday. So
please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch, and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.
P.S. Sainsburys have cheap wallets on sale for £1.45 each but Asda wallets
are £2.25 and look better.
FORSYTHS
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam
while out shopping. Simply dropping into Asda for a bit of shopping turned
out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't
happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
... Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year old girls come over to
your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start
cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy
T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and
instead ask you for a lift to the town centre.....
You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to
remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling
all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against
you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th. On December 1st, 4th, 6th and twice yesterday. So
please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch, and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.
P.S. Sainsburys have cheap wallets on sale for £1.45 each but Asda wallets
are £2.25 and look better.
O
on31ll
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow !!!!!!!!!!!
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow !!!!!!!!!!!
O
on31ll
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack...
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ..'
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'...'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ..'
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'...'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
O
on31ll
no so much a joke but made me laugh ! email i got ! i am lucky
"
Mrs. Michelle Obama [email protected]
Good Day.
I am Mrs.Michelle Obama and i am here to inform you that
your SCAM VICTIMS COMPENSATION FUNDS from white house here
in Washington DC is the sum of $20.000.000 twenty million us
dollars. and the funds will be delivered to you as soon as
you get back to me with your home address and your cell
phone numbers.
bear in mind that i am the only one that has your funds in
regard to my husband Mr Barack Obama and you will have to
pay the sum of $180.00 before your funds will be delivered
to you today so get back to me with your home address.
Thanks
Regard To Mrs. Michelle Obama"
"
Mrs. Michelle Obama [email protected]
Good Day.
I am Mrs.Michelle Obama and i am here to inform you that
your SCAM VICTIMS COMPENSATION FUNDS from white house here
in Washington DC is the sum of $20.000.000 twenty million us
dollars. and the funds will be delivered to you as soon as
you get back to me with your home address and your cell
phone numbers.
bear in mind that i am the only one that has your funds in
regard to my husband Mr Barack Obama and you will have to
pay the sum of $180.00 before your funds will be delivered
to you today so get back to me with your home address.
Thanks
Regard To Mrs. Michelle Obama"
O
on31ll
At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE…………
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****."
"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE…………
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****."
O
on31ll
You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This TRUE interview went as follows:
The lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?
The farmer stared at the reporter and said ? Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?
Farmer: Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?
Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?
Farmer: I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your **** twice a day .... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?
You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This TRUE interview went as follows:
The lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?
The farmer stared at the reporter and said ? Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?
Farmer: Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?
Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?
Farmer: I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your **** twice a day .... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?
O
on31ll
old but a funny one !
A guy can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his ***** are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgical procedure. The guy asks what the procedure is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of the ***** and hope for the best.
The guy thinks that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so tells the doctor to go ahead. The doctor performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to try out his new equipment.
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It becomes unbearable and since he figures no one can see him, he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this when his ***** pops out, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants!
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on he face.
"WOW!!" she says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says:
"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my A**!"
A guy can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his ***** are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgical procedure. The guy asks what the procedure is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of the ***** and hope for the best.
The guy thinks that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so tells the doctor to go ahead. The doctor performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to try out his new equipment.
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It becomes unbearable and since he figures no one can see him, he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this when his ***** pops out, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants!
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on he face.
"WOW!!" she says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says:
"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my A**!"
T
TomLane
O
on31ll
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “**** YOU”
COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “**** YOU”
COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
O
on31ll
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