- Thread starter Barry98
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Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws
B
Barry98
i really wish that wasnt the first post i read after getting up this morning
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PlumbBobBob
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?
“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?
“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”
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Dotty
APPlumbing was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' He asked.
Mrs APPlumbing replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
APPlumbing then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on . '
Mrs APPlumbing apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later APPlumbing is watching TV when Mrs APPlumbing bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness he asked why she had hit him again.
Mrs APPlumbing replied. 'Your horse phoned'
'What was that for?' He asked.
Mrs APPlumbing replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
APPlumbing then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on . '
Mrs APPlumbing apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later APPlumbing is watching TV when Mrs APPlumbing bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness he asked why she had hit him again.
Mrs APPlumbing replied. 'Your horse phoned'
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A feller is having a drink at the bar as he turns round he knocks a drink out of a big guys hand who in turn hits him and knocks him out "when he wakes up tell him that was a karate punch from the 2013 karate champion of London " ...the next night the big guys having a drink at the same bar when all of a sudden he sees stars and falls in a heap on the floor "the little guy says when he wakes up tell him that was a 1956 morris starting handle".....regards Turnpin:wink5:
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Rickster123
B
Billy Bob Bob
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,
'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced,
'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?'
like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,
'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said,
'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,
'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced,
'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?'
like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,
'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said,
'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
D
Dotty
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."
"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."
D
Dotty
THE DEFINITION OF GUTS AND BALLS
GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS- is coming home late after a night out smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say "you're next chubby."
GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS- is coming home late after a night out smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say "you're next chubby."
D
Dotty
Sally arrived home from her date on cloud nine. She tossed her coat over a chair, her purse over the banister, she threw the rest of her clothing around the bedroom.
The next morning at breakfast, her mother asks if she had a good time. "oh," she sighed "I had a wonderful time!" "I should guess so," her mother remarked. "your knickers are stuck to the ceiling."
The next morning at breakfast, her mother asks if she had a good time. "oh," she sighed "I had a wonderful time!" "I should guess so," her mother remarked. "your knickers are stuck to the ceiling."
D
Dotty
Aussie builders (Steve-o and Dave-o) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Steve-o: I reckon he's an accountant.
Dave-o: No way - he's a stockbroker.
Steve-o: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Steve-o and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Steve-o: 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Steve-o: Oh! What's that then?
Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Steve-o: Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Steve-o: It's in a pond!
Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
Steve-o: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Steve-o: As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Steve-o: Yes I am married; I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Steve-o: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not ********** very often?
Steve-o: Me? Never.
Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Steve-o: How's that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Steve-o: I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Steve-o returns to his mate.
Dave-o: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Steve-o: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Dave-o: What's that then?
Steve-o: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Dave-o: Nope.
Steve-o: Well then, you're a w**ker.
Steve-o: I reckon he's an accountant.
Dave-o: No way - he's a stockbroker.
Steve-o: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Steve-o and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Steve-o: 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Steve-o: Oh! What's that then?
Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Steve-o: Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Steve-o: It's in a pond!
Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
Steve-o: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Steve-o: As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Steve-o: Yes I am married; I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Steve-o: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not ********** very often?
Steve-o: Me? Never.
Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Steve-o: How's that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Steve-o: I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Steve-o returns to his mate.
Dave-o: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Steve-o: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Dave-o: What's that then?
Steve-o: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Dave-o: Nope.
Steve-o: Well then, you're a w**ker.
D
Dotty
When Miley Cyrus licks a hammer, its considered "Art" and "Music"...
When I do it, I'm "Pyshed as a Fart" and asked "To leave B&Q immediately"
When I do it, I'm "Pyshed as a Fart" and asked "To leave B&Q immediately"
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Billy Bob Bob
[video=youtube;wVN4PRLrpsA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVN4PRLrpsA&feature=youtu.be[/video]Duracell bunny
PMSL.....run rabbit run rabbit run run run......shame about the sad ending regards Turnpin:smilielol5:
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julesverne
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kay-jay
DONT PASS THIS ONE !!! MUST SEE IT
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=159714914222380&set=vb.100005516163685&type=2&theater
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=159714914222380&set=vb.100005516163685&type=2&theater
Not his terrortory but I think Gasmans landie has a snokle exhaust..correct me if I am wrong.Strange that face looks familiar...lolregards Turnpin:hand:
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Billy Bob Bob
cheeky gets now this is funny Man Leaves Best Voicemail Ever After Witnessing Car Accident
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Dotty
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the Jamaican, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his trousers, ripped down his own trousers and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming:
'DE WRONG FEET MON! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!'
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the Jamaican, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his trousers, ripped down his own trousers and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming:
'DE WRONG FEET MON! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!'
D
Dotty
‘I just hate old people’ admits British Gas MD
The Managing Director of British Gas, Ian Peters, has today confirmed plans to ‘remove’ a record number of adorable grandparents in the lead-up to Christmas. His vision is that the plans will rid his home town and beyond of the aged, which he believes will make roads ‘less hazardous’, ‘shorten the queues’ in his local Post Office, and remove the ‘annoying obligation’ he has to visit his mother on Christmas Day.
‘I really dislike old people,’ confirmed Peters at a press conference today. ‘They’re, like, really forgetful; they wear old, brown clothes; I can never get a doctor’s appointment after November the 1st; and they smell. I’m doing us all a favour. We’re hoping for lots and lots of snow this year.’
Pensioners, who are now officially ‘too poor’ to survive in light of the November fuel price increases set by British Gas, are currently being supported by charities who distribute tins of tomato soup with portable stoves that can run on any available fuel, along with emergency leaflets offering advice on which items of furniture are ‘safest to burn indoors’, but many fear it won’t be enough to save them.
When questioned about the criticism British Gas has received, in particular accusations that price rises are exploiting the vulnerable in the name of profit, Peters countered: ‘This is absolute rubbish. I can promise you that this price increase will not make British Gas a penny more in profit, this is genuinely just a personal vendetta I have against everybody over the age of 65.’
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B
Billy Bob Bob
Supra drift blows girls top off on Vimeo
dont watch if your offended (or gay)
dont watch if your offended (or gay)
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Dotty
D
Dotty
One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, baby, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, baby, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"
K
kay-jay
K
kay-jay
the wal-mart freakshow. some crazy weirdo's doing shopping
https://www.facebook.com/peoplewalmart/photos_stream
https://www.facebook.com/peoplewalmart/photos_stream
K
kay-jay
ha ha tourist board promo video from scotland
female jakey in bernard street leith edinburgh - YouTube
female jakey in bernard street leith edinburgh - YouTube
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PlumbBobBob
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
D
Dotty
D
Dotty
Its the French revolution and guillotine executions are rife..aScotsman is wheeled on and as a last request asks that he is placed looking p at the blade ...the blade drops and the crowd roars the blade stops 2 feet above his head sacre bleu its a sign that we must free him ....next up is an Englishman who asks the same request and again 2 feet from his head the blade stops again he is freed .....next up is an Irishman who again asks to look at the blade before he meets his maker....swoosh the blade drops and again the crowd gasps and as he is freed he says you will never behead another person on that guillotine ...why he is asked by the executioner ....because ther is a large nail sticking sticking out on the inside of the blade guide...lol regards Turnpin:whatchutalkingabout
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Masood
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Dotty
D
Dotty
A gay man on a midnight stroll came across a passed out tramp. He pulled down the bums trousers and shagged him up the arse. He felt guilty about taking advantage of tramp so he left £5 in his shirt pocket. The tramp woke up, found the £5, and bought a cheap bottle of wine.
The next night the same guy found the same tramp passed out so he shagged him again. This time he felt so bad about it he left the tramp £20.
The tramp woke up, found the £20 and went to the offie. He told the clerk he wanted a bottle of the best wine he could get for £20.
The clerk said "you can get four £5 bottles of wine for that."
"Hell no," The tramp replied, "I tried the cheap wine and it tore my arse to shreds!"
The next night the same guy found the same tramp passed out so he shagged him again. This time he felt so bad about it he left the tramp £20.
The tramp woke up, found the £20 and went to the offie. He told the clerk he wanted a bottle of the best wine he could get for £20.
The clerk said "you can get four £5 bottles of wine for that."
"Hell no," The tramp replied, "I tried the cheap wine and it tore my arse to shreds!"
L
lame plumber
K
kay-jay
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
D
Dotty
A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm trying to commit suicide." the girl replies, "and I don't want you to talk me out of it."
"Ah well," shrugged the truck driver. "But before you jump, can you at least give me a blowjob?"
So she does.
After she's finished, the truck driver says, "Wow, thats a wasted talent why are you committing suicide?"
"Because my parents don't like me dressing up as a ****ing girl!!"
"I'm trying to commit suicide." the girl replies, "and I don't want you to talk me out of it."
"Ah well," shrugged the truck driver. "But before you jump, can you at least give me a blowjob?"
So she does.
After she's finished, the truck driver says, "Wow, thats a wasted talent why are you committing suicide?"
"Because my parents don't like me dressing up as a ****ing girl!!"
D
Dotty
Zeb walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of jagermeister.
"6 shots?!?" the bartender says "are you celebrating something?"
"yeah, my first blowjob." Zeb says
"well in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house," says the bartender
"no offense, mate" Zeb replies "but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste nothing will."
"6 shots?!?" the bartender says "are you celebrating something?"
"yeah, my first blowjob." Zeb says
"well in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house," says the bartender
"no offense, mate" Zeb replies "but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste nothing will."
D
Dotty
Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.'
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.'
A fella with a big reputation to shag anything with a pulse gets a job at the Zoo when the head keeper finds out he says would he shag the female gorrila for £5000 as her mate had died a few months earlier ...he replied yes but there were 3 conditions 1.no way could his family find out 2. no kissing to be involved and 3. could he have a couple of weeks to get the money together.....regards Turnpin:lol:
"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her
blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"No ..no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers... and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
He took the crumpled fifty pound note... and started breathing a littlequicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen £10,000 all crumpled up?"
"No, never" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well, go and look in the garage!"...she said.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her
blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"No ..no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers... and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
He took the crumpled fifty pound note... and started breathing a littlequicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen £10,000 all crumpled up?"
"No, never" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well, go and look in the garage!"...she said.
D
Dotty
D
Dotty
T
TomLane
E
Ermintrude
Thank worcester for this.
Which caused this
3' gash and dark blood all over. Would have do e less damage with razorblades
Which caused this
3' gash and dark blood all over. Would have do e less damage with razorblades
T
TomLane
Can't remember where I got that from but here's the same thing from another site!
A recent survey from Thomas Cook and ABTA reveals 20 of the most ridiculous complaints by holiday-makers made to their travel agent.
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
5. A tourist at a top African Game Lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
7. "The beach was too sandy."
8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
11. "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
13. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
14. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.."
15. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"
16. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."
17. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
18. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
19. "I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite."
20. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
T
Toxic Ted
D
Dotty
D
Dotty
L
lame plumber
T
Toxic Ted
If my arris was that big there wouldn't be enough of the rest of me to counter balance it off the chair.....
D
Dotty
[DLMURL="http://lets-have-a-beer.com/10-totally-inappropriate-childrens-toys-1-3774/"]10 Totally Inappropriate Childrens Toys | Let's Have A Beer[/DLMURL]
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D
Dotty
L
lame plumber
T
TomLane
B
Billy Bob Bob
darwin award goes too........https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=477477494156&set=vb.566514156&type=2&theater
K
Kyle87
Paddy was telling Mick about taking his first parachute jump,
'when I got to the door I couldn't jump.
The 6' 7'' instructor unzipped his fly and took out his 14" cock and says 'If you don't jump you're gonna get this right up your arse.".
Mick says, 'Did you jump?'
Paddy says, 'A bit, when it first went in.'
'when I got to the door I couldn't jump.
The 6' 7'' instructor unzipped his fly and took out his 14" cock and says 'If you don't jump you're gonna get this right up your arse.".
Mick says, 'Did you jump?'
Paddy says, 'A bit, when it first went in.'
K
Kyle87
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