R
Rickster123
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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a monday pick me up contains adult humour
- Thread starter Barry98
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View the thread, titled "a monday pick me up contains adult humour" which is posted in UK Plumbers Forums on UK Plumbers Forums.
R
Rickster123
Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
R
Rickster123
I said to my mate, "Did you know that 75% of men stick their fingers up their arse whilst in the shower? Do you know what the other 25% do?"
He said, "No, What?"
I said, "You dirty *******!"
He said, "No, What?"
I said, "You dirty *******!"
R
Rickster123
So October becomes stoptober, give up smoking month and some bright spark has decided that we should give up drinking as well for the month. We only need to be told to try and give up bacon and there it is.
Ramadan by stealth.
Ramadan by stealth.
L
lame plumber
B
Barry98
J
julesverne
Im not saying my wifes a fat cow but shes just cleaned the cooker with 2 slices of bread.
Scotsman go's into a London hotel bar Scotch please barman £7.50 please sir ....just a moment theres a fly in this glass ...extremely sorry sir I will change it for another ...No I just want you to know it's feet are touching the bottom......regards Turnpin:smile5:
B
Billy Bob Bob
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,
'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced,
'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?'
like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,
'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said,
'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,
'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced,
'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?'
like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,
'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said,
'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
D
Dotty
Ouch!
[DLMURL="http://lets-have-a-beer.com/swimmer-trapped-by-beach-balls-6879/"]Swimmer trapped by beach balls - Lets Have A Beer[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL="http://lets-have-a-beer.com/swimmer-trapped-by-beach-balls-6879/"]Swimmer trapped by beach balls - Lets Have A Beer[/DLMURL]
Last edited by a moderator:
D
Dotty
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."
"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."
D
Dotty
THE DEFINITION OF GUTS AND BALLS
GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS- is coming home late after a night out smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say "you're next chubby."
GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS- is coming home late after a night out smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say "you're next chubby."
D
Dotty
Sally arrived home from her date on cloud nine. She tossed her coat over a chair, her purse over the banister, she threw the rest of her clothing around the bedroom.
The next morning at breakfast, her mother asks if she had a good time. "oh," she sighed "I had a wonderful time!" "I should guess so," her mother remarked. "your knickers are stuck to the ceiling."
The next morning at breakfast, her mother asks if she had a good time. "oh," she sighed "I had a wonderful time!" "I should guess so," her mother remarked. "your knickers are stuck to the ceiling."
D
Dotty
I tried that erotic suffocation on the wife the other night while we where having sex. She obviously didn't like it, she's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!
D
Dotty
Aussie builders (Steve-o and Dave-o) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Steve-o: I reckon he's an accountant.
Dave-o: No way - he's a stockbroker.
Steve-o: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Steve-o and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Steve-o: 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Steve-o: Oh! What's that then?
Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Steve-o: Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Steve-o: It's in a pond!
Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
Steve-o: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Steve-o: As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Steve-o: Yes I am married; I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Steve-o: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not ********** very often?
Steve-o: Me? Never.
Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Steve-o: How's that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Steve-o: I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Steve-o returns to his mate.
Dave-o: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Steve-o: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Dave-o: What's that then?
Steve-o: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Dave-o: Nope.
Steve-o: Well then, you're a w**ker.
Steve-o: I reckon he's an accountant.
Dave-o: No way - he's a stockbroker.
Steve-o: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Steve-o and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Steve-o: 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Steve-o: Oh! What's that then?
Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Steve-o: Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Steve-o: It's in a pond!
Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
Steve-o: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Steve-o: As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Steve-o: Yes I am married; I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Steve-o: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not ********** very often?
Steve-o: Me? Never.
Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Steve-o: How's that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Steve-o: I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Steve-o returns to his mate.
Dave-o: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Steve-o: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Dave-o: What's that then?
Steve-o: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Dave-o: Nope.
Steve-o: Well then, you're a w**ker.
D
Dotty
When Miley Cyrus licks a hammer, its considered "Art" and "Music"...
When I do it, I'm "Pyshed as a Fart" and asked "To leave B&Q immediately"
When I do it, I'm "Pyshed as a Fart" and asked "To leave B&Q immediately"
B
Billy Bob Bob
B
Billy Bob Bob
[video=youtube;wVN4PRLrpsA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVN4PRLrpsA&feature=youtu.be[/video]Duracell bunny
PMSL.....run rabbit run rabbit run run run......shame about the sad ending regards Turnpin:smilielol5:
J
julesverne
i was rumaging through some crap in the attic and found this old pic of me
K
kay-jay
DONT PASS THIS ONE !!! MUST SEE IT
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=159714914222380&set=vb.100005516163685&type=2&theater
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=159714914222380&set=vb.100005516163685&type=2&theater
B
Barry98
B
Billy Bob Bob
cheeky gets now this is funny Man Leaves Best Voicemail Ever After Witnessing Car Accident
B
Billy Bob Bob
D
Dotty
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the Jamaican, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his trousers, ripped down his own trousers and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming:
'DE WRONG FEET MON! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!'
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the Jamaican, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his trousers, ripped down his own trousers and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming:
'DE WRONG FEET MON! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!'
T
TomLane
For the first time in hundreds of years the life expectancy in the UK has decreased.
Thanks to British Gas.
Thanks to British Gas.
D
Dotty
‘I just hate old people’ admits British Gas MD
The Managing Director of British Gas, Ian Peters, has today confirmed plans to ‘remove’ a record number of adorable grandparents in the lead-up to Christmas. His vision is that the plans will rid his home town and beyond of the aged, which he believes will make roads ‘less hazardous’, ‘shorten the queues’ in his local Post Office, and remove the ‘annoying obligation’ he has to visit his mother on Christmas Day.
‘I really dislike old people,’ confirmed Peters at a press conference today. ‘They’re, like, really forgetful; they wear old, brown clothes; I can never get a doctor’s appointment after November the 1st; and they smell. I’m doing us all a favour. We’re hoping for lots and lots of snow this year.’
Pensioners, who are now officially ‘too poor’ to survive in light of the November fuel price increases set by British Gas, are currently being supported by charities who distribute tins of tomato soup with portable stoves that can run on any available fuel, along with emergency leaflets offering advice on which items of furniture are ‘safest to burn indoors’, but many fear it won’t be enough to save them.
When questioned about the criticism British Gas has received, in particular accusations that price rises are exploiting the vulnerable in the name of profit, Peters countered: ‘This is absolute rubbish. I can promise you that this price increase will not make British Gas a penny more in profit, this is genuinely just a personal vendetta I have against everybody over the age of 65.’
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B
Billy Bob Bob
Supra drift blows girls top off on Vimeo
dont watch if your offended (or gay)
dont watch if your offended (or gay)
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