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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

View the thread, titled "a monday pick me up contains adult humour" which is posted in UK Plumbers Forums on UK Plumbers Forums.

The mrs said to me last night in bed. . .

"If you turn off the bedside light . . I will take it up the arse . . ."

In hindsight I should have waited for the bulb to cool. . .
 
As my wife lay there, handcuffed to the bed, covered in ***** and with a buttplug hanging out of her arse, two things occurred to me.

Firstly, since I took her virginity all those years ago she had become more uninhibited in the bedroom than I could have ever anticipated.

Secondly, she had clearly forgotten that I was going to be home early.
 
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A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: ‘Don’t miss Bruce – The Amazing Scotsman‘. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign ’Don’t miss Bruce – The Amazing Scotsman‘.
He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
‘You’re incredible!’ he told the Scotsman. ‘But I have to know something. You’re older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts.
‘Well laddie,’ said the Scot, ‘Ma eyes are nae what they used tae be!!!!!!!!!
 
I was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back on my behaviour, I really should have run, but you don't get an offer like that every day.
 
My gay neighbour Pete has recently been taking hormone tablets to make him more feminine.

"How's it all going?" I asked him this morning, on his way to work.

"No difference yet, John," he replied, as he reversed into my car and drove off.
 
I saw my mate walking down the street hand in hand with some fat girl this afternoon.

I asked him, "Is she your girlfriend?"

Smiling, he said, "What gave it away?"

I replied, "A zoo, by the looks of it."
 
The technical term for a man that hates women is a misogynist.

A woman that hates men, on the other hand, is simply called a wife.
 
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law* said. "I am wearing my love dress."

"Love dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said
 
Tom Daley has said it's important to abstain from sex before a major diving competition.

As a gaping arse would whistle on the way down!
 
I saw 4 man utd fans playing football with a cat the other day
I was about to phone the RSPCA but then the cat went 1 nil up
 

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