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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers.

Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.
 
My mate's wife rang me at home today.

She said, "Have you seen my husband?"

I said, "No, not since yesterday."

"I knew he was lying!" she screamed, "He told me that he's been at your house all night!"

"Erm... he... has," I replied.

She said, "You're just sticking up for him now! You just said that you hadn't seen him since this yesterday."

"Er... I haven't," I replied. "We've been playing hide and seek."
 
Walking through the park today I saw a hot young girl in a short dress sat reading a magazine. I thought if I'm lucky I might be able to get a glimpse up her skirt as I pass.

Didn't turn out well though, I ended up putting my ear in some dog poo.
 
I didn't feel I could say much when I caught my son masturbating.

To be fair, neither of us should've been in his sister's wardrobe.
 
Wife ..I 'm taking Billy to the doc's this morning as I'm concerned his willy is not as big as it should be
Husband you worry too much see you later I'm off to work
Doc examines boy and tell his Mum don't worry feed him plenty of hot buttered toast 3 time's a day for two week's and you will soon see a change
so the boy come's home from school that day to be met with a tower of toast on the table.....cor is that all mine Mum
no Billy just the two slice's on the top ....the rest is for your father.......regards turnpin
 
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
 
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Aussie said, "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife ,y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ...wow! that's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
 
in case of emergencies


ws.jpg
​
 
I went on a date with a girl with a stutter.

The waiter asked what she would like to order.

She said, "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n..."

At that point, I decided to help her out and shouted, "BATMAN!"
 
a blonde drops off her black dress at the cleaners
on her way out the woman at the counter says 'come again'
the blonde says ' no its toothpaste this time you nosey pig'
 
A few years ago, my wife told me that the pain of childbirth was indescribable.

Fair play to her though, every chance she gets, she tries.
 
My new girlfriend and I had our 9th date last night. We've always gone out to eat previously so we decided for a change to watch the new movie. Our relationship so far can best be described as:

Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Batman!
 
peteheat said:
Make sure the kids, Mother In law, esteemed Clergy are not present when using this tool.

Emmm I'll leave the clergy warning to your own discretion, some may expect you to exchange site names, bookmarks etc 🙂
Click to expand...
thats why its in here
 

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