a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[on31ll]

WARNING to all those who shop at ASDA, TESCO, SAFEWAYS, MORRISONS, ROWANS or
FORSYTHS

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam
while out shopping. Simply dropping into Asda for a bit of shopping turned
out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't
happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
... Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year old girls come over to
your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start
cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy
T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and
instead ask you for a lift to the town centre.....

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to
remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling
all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against
you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th. On December 1st, 4th, 6th and twice yesterday. So
please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch, and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.

P.S. Sainsburys have cheap wallets on sale for £1.45 each but Asda wallets
are £2.25 and look better.

 

[on31ll]

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow !!!!!!!!!!!

 

[on31ll]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack...

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ..'

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'...'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

 

[on31ll]

no so much a joke but made me laugh ! email i got ! i am lucky

"
Mrs. Michelle Obama [email protected]

Good Day.
I am Mrs.Michelle Obama and i am here to inform you that
your SCAM VICTIMS COMPENSATION FUNDS from white house here
in Washington DC is the sum of $20.000.000 twenty million us
dollars. and the funds will be delivered to you as soon as
you get back to me with your home address and your cell
phone numbers.
bear in mind that i am the only one that has your funds in
regard to my husband Mr Barack Obama and you will have to
pay the sum of $180.00 before your funds will be delivered
to you today so get back to me with your home address.
Thanks

Regard To Mrs. Michelle Obama"

 

[on31ll]

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE…………

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****."

 

[on31ll]

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This TRUE interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said ? Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

Farmer: Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

Farmer: I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your **** twice a day .... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

 

[on31ll]

old but a funny one !

A guy can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his ***** are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgical procedure. The guy asks what the procedure is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of the ***** and hope for the best.

The guy thinks that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so tells the doctor to go ahead. The doctor performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to try out his new equipment.

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It becomes unbearable and since he figures no one can see him, he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this when his ***** pops out, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants!

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on he face.

"WOW!!" she says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says:

"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my A**!"

 

[TomLane]

Have you got any shorter ones?!?

 

[on31ll]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “**** YOU”

COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

 

[on31ll]

Have you got any shorter ones?!?

there !

 

[on31ll]

there all on emails so tend to be a bit longer ! sorry for the people that struggle reading like tom !

 

[on31ll]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

 

[on31ll]

The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"

Susie says, "We need a computer"

Wendy says, "We need a car"

Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"

Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"

"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"

 

[on31ll]

i went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"

 

[on31ll]

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft c**t !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

 

[on31ll]

I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.

She said, "Have you got a nickname?"

"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"

"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled

"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"

 

[on31ll]

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what f******g hit it.

 

[on31ll]

The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"

I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.

 

[on31ll]

A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.

 

[on31ll]

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

She says that it makes here sleepy and her bum sore.

 

[on31ll]

these short enough for you tomlane ?

 

[on31ll]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.
Barmanasks, "What's wrong with Stout?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was ****ing skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

 

[on31ll]

A man approaches a young woman in a shop.
He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a fewminutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with **** like yours, she appears out of ****ing nowhere!"

 

[on31ll]

Julia Gillard has announced she intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

 

[on31ll]

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the ****ing field were you before you realised it was caught?"

 

[on31ll]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil

 

[on31ll]

Sky news report.
The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack

 

[on31ll]

a blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[on31ll]

Mr Camoron was at a Scottish school and asking the children the difference between the words accident and tragedy and there meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Camoron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"Incorrect," said Camoron. "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not", explained Camoron, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Camoron searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, little Joe raised his hand and said: "If a plane carrying you and Mr. Clogg and Mr. Milliban', was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic" exclaimed Camoron, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well", said Joe,

"it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either!"

 

[on31ll]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[on31ll]

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

 

[on31ll]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

 

[on31ll]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[on31ll]

There was a very self-sufficient blind man, who did a lot of traveling alone. He was making his first trip to Texas and happened to be seated next to a Texan on the flight.
The Texan spent a lot of time telling him how everything is bigger and better in Texas. By the time the blind man had reached his destination, a large resort hotel, he was very excited about being in Texas.
The long trip had worn him out a little so he decided to stop at the bar for a small soda and a light snack before going up to his room to unpack this clothes.
When the waitress set down his drink, it was in a huge mug. "Wow, I had heard everything in Texas is bigger," he told her.
"That's right,"she replied. The blind man ate his snack and finished his drink. After drinking such a large amount, it was only natural his next stop was going to have to be the restroom. He asked the waitress for directions. She told him to turn left at the register and it would be the second door on the right.
He reached the first door and continued down the hall. A few steps later he stumbled slightly and missed the second door altogether and ended up going through the 3rd door instead. Not realizing he had entered the swimming area he walked forward and immediately fell into the swimming pool.
Remembering everything he had heard about things being bigger in Texas, as soon as he had his head above water he started shouting "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

 

[on31ll]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"