a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[on31ll]

A Manitoulin Island Indian picks up a hooker off the streets of Sudbury .
'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks.




'$100,' she replies.




He says 'You do Indian style?'




'No' she says.




'I pay you $200 do it Indian style'




'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.




'I pay you $300'




'No', she says.




'I pay you $400'




'No', she says.




So finally he says,
'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style..'




She thinks,
'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every
part of the world. How bad could Indian Style be?'




So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in
every kind of way and in every possible position.






Finally, after several hours, they finish.




Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and
disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style?'




The Indian replies "you send bill to government."

 

[turnpin]

A fella come`s home from the pub and say`s to his wife the old sex life is a bit stale and listening the other guy`s in the pub we need to try some different positions.. what do you suggest ..well we could try the wheelbarrow where you go on all fours and when I`m behind you, you place your legs under my arm pit`s we then engage and as I push you move along...O.k she say`s on two condition`s anything my sweet what are they 1.you must promise not to hurt me... never my love 2.you promise not to steer me past my mum`s house at the bottom of the street ....regards turnpin:tongue3:

 

[kay-jay]

 

[TomLane]

GAY TEST

Below you will see a picture of two identical dolphins.

If you see any differences, you are gay!!

 

[Leo21]

Your having us on, there identical.

 

[turnpin]

What difference`s?....regards turnpin:smilewinkgrin:

 

[turnpin]

A woman goe`s to her doctor`s and the Doc said you may be pregnant go home and come back tomorrow with a sample.She tell`s her hubbie but she is unsure what a sample is he suggest`s she ask`s the woman next door who has plenty of kid`s so off she goe`s 10 minutes`s later she come`s back looking like she`s done a few round`s with a boxer"what happened to you" he asked to which she replied " all I said to her was what is a sample ...and she told me to pish in a bottle so I told her to shyt in her hat and the fight started from there.....regards turnpin:uhoh2:

 

[SafeGasInstall]

GAY TEST

Below you will see a picture of two identical dolphins.

If you see any differences, you are gay!!

but i see 3

 

[Masood]

but i see 3

That means you like gay threesomes? :grin:

 

[on31ll]

Three aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said,

'I'll betcha a case of beer you are...'

 

[on31ll]

WARNING to all those who shop at ASDA, TESCO, SAFEWAYS, MORRISONS, ROWANS or
FORSYTHS

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam
while out shopping. Simply dropping into Asda for a bit of shopping turned
out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't
happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
... Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year old girls come over to
your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start
cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy
T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and
instead ask you for a lift to the town centre.....

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to
remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling
all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against
you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th. On December 1st, 4th, 6th and twice yesterday. So
please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch, and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.

P.S. Sainsburys have cheap wallets on sale for £1.45 each but Asda wallets
are £2.25 and look better.

 

[on31ll]

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow !!!!!!!!!!!

 

[on31ll]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack...

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ..'

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'...'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

 

[on31ll]

no so much a joke but made me laugh ! email i got ! i am lucky

"
Mrs. Michelle Obama [email protected]

Good Day.
I am Mrs.Michelle Obama and i am here to inform you that
your SCAM VICTIMS COMPENSATION FUNDS from white house here
in Washington DC is the sum of $20.000.000 twenty million us
dollars. and the funds will be delivered to you as soon as
you get back to me with your home address and your cell
phone numbers.
bear in mind that i am the only one that has your funds in
regard to my husband Mr Barack Obama and you will have to
pay the sum of $180.00 before your funds will be delivered
to you today so get back to me with your home address.
Thanks

Regard To Mrs. Michelle Obama"

 

[on31ll]

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE…………

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****."

 

[on31ll]

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This TRUE interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said ? Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

Farmer: Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

Farmer: I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your **** twice a day .... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

 

[on31ll]

old but a funny one !

A guy can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his ***** are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgical procedure. The guy asks what the procedure is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of the ***** and hope for the best.

The guy thinks that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so tells the doctor to go ahead. The doctor performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to try out his new equipment.

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It becomes unbearable and since he figures no one can see him, he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this when his ***** pops out, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants!

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on he face.

"WOW!!" she says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says:

"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my A**!"

 

[TomLane]

Have you got any shorter ones?!?

 

[on31ll]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “**** YOU”

COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

 

[on31ll]

Have you got any shorter ones?!?

there !