a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Billy Bob Bob]

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
---

A little ****ed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?

 

[Dotty]

[h=5]A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.

“Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?” he asked.

“Yes I do.” she replied.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes I remember.”

“Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.’Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail’?”

“Yes I do”, she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, ” You know I would have gotten out today.”[/h]

 

[Dotty]

I stopped a woman as she walked out of the supermarket today and said, "Excuse me, do you mind unzipping your jacket for me please?"

"I'm not a thief!" she replied.

"Nobody is calling you a thief," I said, "Just quickly unzip it and then you can be on your way."

"Happy now?" she huffed, holding it wide open.

"Totally," I said, "Your **** are ****ing amazing."

 

[Dotty]

The wife was asleep when I went to visit her in hospital, so I decided to relieve the boredom by pulling at a loose thread.

The next thing I know there's blood everywhere and people screaming. Turns out those Caesarian stiches are in for a reason.

 

[Dotty]

On my way to work this morning, I noticed the man driving next to me was texting whilst driving.

Knowing how dangerous that can be, I promptly rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

 

[Dotty]

I was installing a light in the loft today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the **** out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

 

[turnpin]

On a plane a man sit`s down next to a stunning blond interlectual type reading a book about men of the world ."excuse me but that look`s interesting" .."yes she say`s did you know that the red indian apache tribe were reknown for their long sexual organ`s and that Polish men actually have the most sexual stamina in the northern hemisphere..?" I`m Dr Mary Smith from Harvard university in the USA....Oh replie`s the man Tonto waskanski from the UK how do you do?.....regards turnpin:lol:

 

[Kyle87]

Paddy goes into Wetherspoons and asks how much is your lager?
The Barman says,
"£2 for a pint and £7 for a Pitcher"
Paddy replied
" i'll have a pint, **** the photo"!!!!

 

[Masood]

Hopefully I'm not the only one who panicked trying to shut the tab before SWMBO turned round and see that.......

All I could hear in my head was a high pitched shrieking and

I took my missus with me to a job once as we were going out, and I only had about 5 minutes work there. I'd forgotten that they had a picture of a naked woman on the kitchen wall. I turned round from repressurising the system to see her looking at it dreamily. She turned round and said "Maybe I'm not as straight as I thought I was - those nipples are sooooo suckable"

Gobsmacked is not a strong enough word! She still won't set up a threesome with her hot mate, though! :-(

 

[on31ll]

I was installing a light in the loft today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the **** out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

So thats how system3 injuried his ankle !

 

[Resolute]

Hopefully I'm not the only one who panicked trying to shut the tab before SWMBO turned round and see that.......

All I could hear in my head was a high pitched shrieking and

I took my missus with me to a job once as we were going out, and I only had about 5 minutes work there. I'd forgotten that they had a picture of a naked woman on the kitchen wall. I turned round from repressurising the system to see her looking at it dreamily. She turned round and said "Maybe I'm not as straight as I thought I was - those nipples are sooooo suckable"

Gobsmacked is not a strong enough word! She still won't set up a threesome with her hot mate, though! :-(

She obviously wants to keep her mate to herself then!

 

[Dotty]

Hopefully I'm not the only one who panicked trying to shut the tab before SWMBO turned round and see that.......

All I could hear in my head was a high pitched shrieking and

I took my missus with me to a job once as we were going out, and I only had about 5 minutes work there. I'd forgotten that they had a picture of a naked woman on the kitchen wall. I turned round from repressurising the system to see her looking at it dreamily. She turned round and said "Maybe I'm not as straight as I thought I was - those nipples are sooooo suckable"

Gobsmacked is not a strong enough word! She still won't set up a threesome with her hot mate, though! :-(

This post means nothing without pictures.........

 

[Masood]

She obviously wants to keep her mate to herself then!

I'd settle for the video... :grin:

 

[Masood]

This post means nothing without pictures.........

I'm not that brave....

 

[Dotty]

 

[Leo21]

Oh dear. I'm having a moment.

 

[TomLane]

I don't know what's bigger news...

George Michael was involved in a car crash

or...

He wasn't sucking someone off at the time.

 

[on31ll]

BATH NIGHT IN SCOTLAND


A Scottish couple took in a pretty girl as a lodger.


The girl asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath,
although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.


"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.


The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.


After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.


She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pub*c hair.


She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:


"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."


So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"


"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"


"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress
and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the pubic hair department --very generously indeed.


The girl finished her bath and went to bed.


Later that night when the husband came in the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"


"Sure," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"


"Why are you worried about that?" she asked, "You've seen it often enough before."


"I know," he said, "but the dart team hasn't!"

 

[on31ll]

The irish prostitute



THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'


The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'


'Ye what!!?
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'


'OK, Dad... As ye wish.
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .'


'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.


Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'




'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a PROTESTANT ! !
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'

 

[on31ll]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.


The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.


The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."


The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...


She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"


To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.


"There's no charge," she says.


"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.


"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."


"So... I just switched the heads."